Normal; Normal Plus!

I was reading over what I just posted and I thought, "I bet a lot of people would read that and say, 'Oh, that's normal for a six year old.'"

Here's the thing, though, with adopted kids with a troubled background, normal behaviors are taken to an extreme. Yeah, being defiant is normal. But, other parents are meaning every now and then - a few times a week of on-going defiant behavior. I mean hours at a time. Some times most of the day for months - although that was more common in the beginning than it is now. Now it's hours at a time for a few days and then we'll usually have a good one. And it's only hours at a time, rather than all day.

And Max isn't just defiant. He's also aggressive. He's also rude. He's also trying to piss us off (he admits to this).

I see the difference in him between a day that he's just being a kid and and day where he's being pissed off kid plus. Yes, we still sometimes get defiance, sometimes there's misbehavior (kicking a ball where he shouldn't or whatever), but it's not the same. I can totally handle normal kid days.

Mantra: some days are good, some days are good

I'm having a not fun day with Max today. Yesterday wasn't a bowl of cherries, either, but better than today.

Today Max is....well, I don't know. Some days he just seems pissed off. Which, considering his life to date, I can understand, but I still would rather it didn't happen. I don't like his behavior on pissed off days. Sometimes the pissed off days stretch into a week or more and that really sucks.

Right now he's in the bathroom, screaming loudly enough to be more piercing than the music that's playing. (Putumayo Kids - we really like them) And that's about the most mild thing today so far.

The kids both had swimming this afternoon - back to back. Max spent Davan's time swimming torturing me. Blocking the stairs with his body and toys so it was difficult for people to get by. Passive aggressively moving them an inch when I asked him to clear the steps. Asking me over and over for grapes when he had is own right in front of him. On and on. Spreading his clothes out over three bleachers. Not finishing undressing (stood there with one sock on for 5 minutes) until he was late to class. Yeah. On and on - every little minute.

Some days are good. Some days are good. And there hasn't been any hitting. Some days are good. Some days are good.

Violence

One of the biggest symptoms of Max's distress about moving in here and his worries about permanence was violence. Max had been living with us for about two months when he started hitting me. Now I want to be clear that all was not peaches and cream up until then. We did not have a honeymoon. This was simply an escalation.

Max first started hitting when I was physically trying to do something he didn't want me to do - removing him from a store when he was having a tantrum, for example. But, once the floodgates were open, he started to be more overtly violent in other ways.

Before the hitting, Max would be physically aggressive by invading my personal space in a very angry/provoking manor. He'd scowl, set his shoulders and then lean on me, quite literally. He would stand in the hall, legs spread and hands on hips to block my path. He'd yank on my arm when holding hands.

The more overt violence included kicking me repeatedly one time when I was sitting with my back to a door in the room we were both in for time out. It was hard shoves and pinching.

One of the worst times was him flying at me in a rage and pummeling every square inch he could reach while I tried to collect up an item and then just leave the room.

Another bad time was when he attacked me with his basketball trophy, managing to break it on me before I stopped him. He'd hit the wall with the trophy and I was trying to take it away to put in the black box (where things can be retrieved after a week or so).

Some of the worst offenses, though, were under the guise of affection. He was mad when I was saying goodbye to him for the day at school. He turned to "hug" me, but instead whacked me in the side with his arm. The next morning, he ran to me, supposedly to hug me, but then just strong armed me in the stomach instead. These were awful to me because it's just so wrong to offer hurt instead of affection. And those were planned out, rather than loosing control in a rage.

I am happy to say that it's been months sense the last time Max has physically attacked me. He still will sometimes do the leaning trick or the blocking of the way deal. But, it's less and less.

I hated being his punching bag. It made me feel like I was staying, voluntarily, in an abusive relationship, even though it was rare that Max was effective in hurting me. It made me worry about Davan's safety. If his violence had been directed at Davan in the same way it was at me, he wouldn't have been able to stay in our family. I harbored bad feelings toward Max for a long time, even when the hitting had ebbed. Those bad feelings, in addition to his day to day on going behaviors and his and my personality conflicts, led us to consider disrupting.

I felt like a failure for considering it. However, I sometimes wondered if Max would be better off with a different family - perhaps a family that would appreciate his personality more. Perhaps a family with more patience. I admit to loosing mine. He was so effective at pushing my buttons that I sometimes reacted violently to him. I was worried about myself and what I might do.

I yelled a lot. I picked him up by his shirt front in anger. I shoved him down a couple of times. At one point, we'd started trying to restrain him when he was getting violent, but I found myself being too aggressive and had to stop doing that. Plus, Max seemed to enjoy those physical conflicts and escalate things to try to get there.

In the midst of all of this, I hated Max. I really hated him. I hated him for his treatment of me. I hated him for the changes he'd brought to the family. I hated him for my reactions to him. And, thus, disruption loomed large.

We kept chugging along, though. Now I'm glad we did. I'm glad because Max needed to get through all of that and get to stay, still. I'm glad because Davan learned that you don't just throw people away. I'm glad because I don't have to live with the huge guilt I'd have had. I'm glad because I love Max and some days even am starting to like him.

My family is okay. I had my doubts about us getting to the point where I'd feel that, but we have. It's still not what I dreamed of (I was really hoping school wouldn't be part of the picture), but it is was it is and it's okay. I'm not unhappy. Maybe that's the Prozac talking, but I'll let it talk for a while and see if I can't get past the pent up bad feelings from the first traumatic year. Then we'll see about facing life undrugged. Hopefully, I'll still feel okay. I think I will.

The Weekend Moves on Anyway

So, we, indeed, did not go to Max's basketball game Saturday morning. After breakfast on Saturday, though, Max said, "So, when is my game? If I get my chores done..."

Yeah. We'd been really clear that everything needed to be done before bedtime on Friday. Not to mention that by then the game was more than half over.

Max did finally get his stuff done and was able to move on with fun stuff. He called to invite a friend over for the afternoon, but his friend was busy. So, he played video games. And he got to join in on family movie night. And we all went to the park to test out our new Aerobee boomerang that I got for a couple bucks on clearance from Target.

Anthony is working on our shower, which means our bathroom is a mess and I'm brushing my teeth in the kitchen for a while.

I spent yesterday afternoon running errands while Davan had her first playdate with a friend from gymnastics.

This morning found us sleeping in and then going out to breakfast with my parents. The kids are switching things up this afternoon with Max having a playdate while Davan is just hanging out at home. She won't be playing video games, though. That's really not her thing.

Hopefully the basketball game happens next week.

----------------

I wrote all that on Sunday and then didn't post. Ah well. Now it's Monday and the weekend if over, having gone by too fast. I wasn't ready for Anthony to go back to work today. I wanted another day to wake up slowly, snuggling.

Not that today was a bad day. Mondays are busy, but good. I'm enjoying my swimming.

Davan's Girl Scout troop had their Valentine's Day party today. Davan made these great elephant Valentines pretty much all by herself. She even made them for the various adults who stay at the meetings.

However, she didn't make one for a girl who almost never comes to meetings. So, there was a snatch back from one of the moms (a friend) and a quick make over of the card. Luckily, she'd written in pencil.

Max chose to make these Valentines. Of course, at his age, that means that he and I made them together. We did it Sunday because his teacher asked for them all to be at school by the 12th. The only thing I can figure is that she wants to have a buffer for those who forget. Max took his in today, but apparently, he's the only one who's delivered so far. It'll be interesting to hear if everyone produces tomorrow.

Meanwhile, though, Max and I had an excellent day today as far as our interactions go. He even offered to help with dinner when he saw I was rushed to get it done. We laughed together at dinner, particularly, and I don't think we really had a negative interaction today. Who-hoo! Now to just not expect that all the time....

No Basketball Tomorrow

Max decided to test the "if you don't have your chores and homework done by the time you go to bed Friday night, there will be no basketball game on Saturday" rule. We announced this rule after the last minute rush out of the house and letting things slide last week.

Max, fully aware of this rule, chose not to clean his room (about a 2 minute job), do possession patrol (another couple of minute job), take the blue bin he keeps his school stuff in to his room (yeah, that's about 30 seconds) and do his reading homework and whatever other reading he likes to make a total of 20 minutes of reading.

This choice also meant that he didn't get to play video games today. It also meant that he didn't get to join in when the rest of the family played games after dinner.

It was definitely a test. Probably because we let it slip last week (we let him go to his game even though he wasn't totally done with the windows), he felt the need to see if we really mean what we say.

On the up side, it is a 9:10am game tomorrow. Not going means I can sleep in a bit and shower at my leisure.

I wonder if he'll get in and get stuff done tomorrow or if, come Sunday, he won't be able to go play at his friend's house as is currently planned. We shall see.

Also the up side, I did not let his bad mood effect my mood. I still had a good day. I didn't get mad. I still gave him hugs and told him I loved him at bed time.

Kisses

Max has been affectionate from the first day we knew him. That isn't, actually a good sign in kids with attachment issues. It means they aren't discriminating when it comes to bestowing affection.

Max, though, as willing as he was to wrestle, snuggle, hug, be carried, hated to watch people kiss on TV/in movies and hated to hear about kissing in books. He'd groan and cover his face. He'd turn away and be very theatrical.

It got to be a joke. "Look away, Max! They're going to kiss!" At first, he heeded these warnings. He looked away. He hid his eyes. He covered his ears.

Lately, though, I've noticed he doesn't. He looks at us like we're kind of crazy and then looks back at the show. Hmmm. It's interesting.

Lovely Day - so there was crying, of course

Davan and I had a lovely day today. I took her to open gym at her gymnastics center. In the past, that hasn't always been the most fun thing ever. She started asking me to spot her and give her coaching at open gym. Yeah. That turned ugly. She would become defensive and get mad that she wasn't perfecting her skill fast enough. I told her I'd have to stop coaching or we'd have to stop going to open gym. But...she'd give me a pleading look and my one comment would turn into more. Or I'd refuse to say anything and then she'd start crying because I "disapproved" - pure fabrication on her part.

So, I finally really laid down the law about it and she has responded beautifully. We've had two really good open gyms sense we last talked about it.

Anyway, we then went off to do some errands before meeting my parents for lunch at the Paradox Cafe, which is totally yummy. We lingered for nearly two hours, chatting and eating. Then, after a quick stop at Trader Joe's, we came home just a few minutes before Max. Whew.

Then Max, though, had a good after school cry. It'd been a week sense his last one. Basically, the after school cry is some sort of cry with the flimsiest of reasons. He tried and tried to escalate it into some sort of conflict with me, but I just refused to engage. Then it passed. Yay me.

He's still having a bit of edgy behavior this afternoon, but yeah. He's been pretty decent to be around all week. So, really, I can handle a little edgy this afternoon. It is Friday. A whole week of school does seem to stress him out, even though he loves school.

Food

Food has been a major issue for Max sense arriving on the scene. It's lessening quite a lot now, as he's gotten used to eating what we have. However, he'd still be happy to live on french fries, chicken nuggets, hot dogs, Kraft macaroni and cheese and cookies and to never, ever see a fruit or veggie again in his life.

Max's foster family did not eat fruit and veggies beyond a little bit of corn or canned green beans in casseroles. They ate a lot of processed foods - crackers and cheese packets, Kraft, canned foods, instant sugary oatmeal. The only fruit he ate when he moved in was bananas.

We try to eat lots of fruits and veggies, beans, whole grains, raw nuts - that sort of thing. We do stray and we do enjoy having junk food from time to time, but most meals are drawn from those food items. And we believe that fruits and veggies are the most important part of one's diet.

That was quite a change for him. Huge. He is fine with whole grains. He does like beans - out of a can, that is. If I make a bean dish myself, he's pretty darn not excited. The main things, though, was we seriously expected him to eat fruits and veggies. Wow. It was a shock.

He now eats grapes, apples, orange type fruits (we usually eat Clementines or such) and some melon in addition to his bananas. He also eats steamed green beans, carrots (both cooked and raw), corn, peas, broccoli, a little bit of cabbage, a little bit of lettuce and a little bit of other veggies. And he loves raw nuts. Of course, anything is better than fruits and veggies.

Max loves it when we eat out and he can eat whatever junk he wants. He loves it when I open a can of beans for dinner rather than making them in the crockpot. And yet. He tells me I'm the best cook ever. Sweet? Yes. But does it ring true? Well, not so much.

Lately I've noticed that his talk is coming around. He says things that are along the party lines - "We don't like McDonald's, right?" "You're the best cook ever, Mommy!" "I'd choose apples over cupcakes!" - but he doesn't actually choose those things if he doesn't have to. I still give him credit, though. "You sure are talking the talk, Max."

And the whole cupcake vs apples thing? Well, it depends on the situation. I do choose apples over cupcakes on a day to day basis, but put a cupcake and some apple slices in front of me and I'm betting I'd eat them both. LOL

My Sick Day

The mild cold I had last week escalated into a not so mild cold this week. Yesterday was probably my worst day. I'm better, although not well, today.

I still had to get Max up and off to school yesterday. When I came home, though, and got Davan up, she was the sweetest kid ever. She told me that sense I wasn't feeling well, I should just go back to bed and she would take care of chores. And she did. She cleaned both bathrooms (hers and Max's was her chore - mine and Anthony's was mine). She made smoothies and brought mine to me in bed. She brought me tea. I had the sort of sick morning that I've dreamed of ever sense she was born. It was my best sick day in a really long time.

Of course, I did have to drag myself out of bed to shower and get together snacks before Max got home (early release day) so I could take the kids to swim lessons.

I laid back down when we got home, after getting Max into the bath. Post bath, Max came and read to me. He's supposed to read for 20 minutes a day, but up until this month, we've counted time that we read to him. He's a strong reader, though, and we want him to practice his skills - plus, that's what the school has in mind. We still read to him, but he has to do his 20 minutes himself, as well.

He started on a Little Bill book last night, which he thought at first that he wasn't going to be able to read. He did really well with it, though. He only needed help with one or two words per page.

After dinner of leftovers, which I'd planned anyway, but was good for being sick, as I didn't have to cook, I took Davan to gymnastics. 2 hours of sitting on a metal chair. Yay. Actually, I usually really like going to gymnastics. I like to watch Davan, but also the more advanced girls. And, for that matter, it's fun to watch the beginners flop around, too. Anthony would have taken her, but both kids had sports last night, so it wasn't like I was going to get to just lay about if I didn't take her. Max had basketball practice.

I've promised to take Davan to the Children's Museum today - I can just sit around and read, which isn't as good as laying in bed, but I'm not as sick as I was yesterday either - and I'd better get us on the road.

Let's Trade

I called my mom up today to ask her if she and my step dad would like to move in here for a week while Anthony and I go live at their place. She said no. Can you believe it? I mean, really. It's just a week. We'd move back after that. Probably. Mom just says that I'll have my turn to be the grandma sometime. Hmpf.

We've had some heavy duty pre-teen hormonal angst going on around here. As just an example, we have this morning. I go in to wake her up at 8:30 by crawling into bed with her, singing a song about loving her, then read to her for about a half an hour. Then we talk about our day and I let her know what's coming.

Today that included Girl Scouts, spending time with a few of her friends, swimming, making dinner and going to gymnastics. These are all things she loves. However, after I tell her about the day, she's pouting. Why? Turns out she's mad because she's going to have to wait for Max to finish his swim class - about 20 minutes after she's done with her shower. Usually, there are friends about, but even so, it's 20 minutes. It's not like she doesn't enjoy reading and such.

I chastised her about it not too harshly, but let her know I didn't think it was okay to pout about such a small part of an otherwise great day. She bursts into tears. "I'm sorry, Mom! I'm sorry, Mom!" she wails. Sheesh.

Then there's Max. Surprisingly enough, he's being pretty darn good around the house today. However, he was not what you'd call a model student at swimming today. That's quite a juxtaposition for him. Still, I don't want him having trouble at swimming, either. Sigh. I must say I'm enjoying his home behavior, though.

Basketball or no basketball, that is the question

Max should have a basketball game today. It starts in just under an hour. Will we be able to go, though? This I don't know.

Max messed up and didn't take proper care of his basketball jersey after the game last week. I discovered it wadded up on the shelf of his closet Thursday afternoon. Now, Max had a hell of a day on Thursday. Usually, an item that is not properly taken care of (when it's time to clean up, -not just any 'ol time) gets put in the black box. The black box is available for emptying every other week.

If I'd put Max's jersey in the box, it would not have been available for his game today. So, I told him that instead of putting in the box, I'd give him an opportunity to earn it. This involved washing some windows - just the inside. He didn't do it and didn't do it and didn't do it. He's now frantically washing windows. Will he make it? I don't know. It'll be close.

I'm letting him slide on quality and I'll slide a little on the deadline for leaving for the game. He's supposed to be there early, but I'd let him go if we can just make it in time for the start of the game. Should I let these things slide? I don't know.

Davan had team photos for gymnastics last night. We made a bit of a fuss over it - she took an afternoon shower, I did her hair, I'd made soup in the crockpot for dinner so that I'd be available to help her prepare and so on.

So, Max says, or rather whines, "When will I get my pictures taken?"

Now, Max has played seasonal sports sense moving in. He's had pictures taken for basketball and soccer so far. We've made a bit of a fuss about them - making sure his hair has been freshly cut, making sure his outfit is ready, etc. He's also had school pictures done twice. Also sense he's moved in, Davan has never had pictures done, other than for our new family photo, which he participated in, as well.

I do understand the feeling of she's special today and I'm not (even if it's not accurate), but I also would like him to be able to see what good things have happened for him. So, I asked him, "Hey, how many times have you had your pictures taken sense you moved in?"

"None."

"Really?"

"Yup."

"Sports pictures?"

"Oh, yeah. Once for soccer."

"What about the picture above the stereo in the living room?"

"Picture in the living room?"

"..."

"Oh, right! For basketball!"

So, then, again to get him to think about it, I say, "How many times has Davan had her picture taken sense you've lived here?"

"Twice?"

I shake my head.

"Three times?"

"Nope."

"Four?"

"Zero, dude."

"..."

Yeah.

Sick and Tired, Sick and Grumpy as Heck

Max, when he gets sick, is a lot different than Davan. Davan has always gotten kind of hyper when sick, rather than sleep extra and want to rest and all of that. When Max first moved in, it seemed like he was the same. However, as he's gotten more comfortable and less hyper vigilant, he's showing a new side when sick.

On Max's worst sick days, he's very, very easy to be around. He lays down a lot and even falls asleep. He's pretty quiet. When he must be up, he doesn't have enough energy to be annoying. When we were in Disneyland in December, he really, really wanted to still go to Disneyland, even though he was sick - with a fever, even. So, we let him go. I mean, other than this year for us, thanks to annual passes and a near-by relative, how many times does one get to go to Disneyland in one's life? Anyway, he was able to drag himself around, but didn't have enough energy to be oppositional or attach himself to other groups of people or intentionally misbehave. It was lovely.

However, as he starts to feel better, but not totally well, it's hell on wheels. Major regression. As if to make up for the easy days before. Sigh.

Max is sick this week. Davan and I also have colds, but I'd label them as mild. Neither of us is too miserable and both still managed to swim/do gymnastics/go grocery shopping all without feeling too sorry for ourselves. Max, though, has been a different story. The first part of the week was all about taking voluntary naps. Lovely. Then, starting on Wednesday, but really blowing up on Thursday - major grump.

We had a hell of a day yesterday about chores, cleaning up after one's self, wasting food that others want (a homemade slice of pizza!), being oppositional and generally being annoying all hell.

What was nice about this nasty day, though? Was that it's not our everyday anymore. And it wasn't even as bad as the worst days were before. Days that included him hitting/kicking/pinching me. Days that included having to lock his door to get him to take a time out (never for more than a few minutes). Days that included being defiant about absolutely every little detail (instead of about half of the little details). Days that included locking both Davan and myself in my bedroom to keep everyone safe. Judea (I think if him as Judea when I think if his early days) would try to start a fight every time I'd come out of my room. If I went in my room and didn't lock my door, he just open it up and follow me in. I'd get so freakn' mad that I was in danger of harming him.

Yes. Even with Max sick and grumpy as heck, things are better. It's good to see that. Is it so awful that I wish it were even better?

Long Time No Write

Wow. It's been over a year sense I posted anything. Wow.

At first, I didn't post anything because we were just too busy getting things ready and transitioning. Davan ended up going to California with my parents while Anthony and I went to Eugene to meet Judea. We did get to meet him the next Wednesday! We were very excited about that.

We had about a week and a half of transition and then Judea moved in on the 17th of December, right after Davan's birthday. It was a heck of a month.

Then, the reason I never got back to blogging is that I was just too unhappy. Things were so, so, so not easy. It was all just too disappointing to even write about.

Now, though, things are getting better. I've been feeling like blogging again. Partially, I've been inspired by miserablebliss, a blog written by a recent adopter. I've really enjoyed reading Violet and Coffee's adoption process, right through to now, with the actual placement of kids, which is the part I never got around to here.

A quick overview of the year: Judea moved in. Christmas was a bit of a nightmare. We enrolled Judea in kindergarten. Judea got deeper and deeper into negative behavior, culminating in his use of me as a punching bag. We started therapy with a therapist who specializes in working with foster/adoptive kids. We pulled Judea out of school to homeschool and work on bonding with the full support of his therapist. Davan became unhappy and saw the therapist a few times herself. Judea slowly got better, but I was still miserable about things. We actually considered disrupting. I got therapy for me personally, in addition to seeing Judea's therapist. We put Judea back in school for first grade, which he was very happy about. I finally went on Prozac and am getting into a good exercise routine. I hope to come off of the Prozac in a couple of months. Judea, Anthony and I decided on a new name for Judea, which is working out well. It's Max and it really fits him.

Judea, it turns out, does have attachment issues and, probably, some mild fetal alcohol effects, as well as a history of violence. We did not know any of this when we started out. Much of his behavior issues were glossed over or not mentioned at all.

We've also gone to Disneyland as a family twice this year, plus Davan and I went one additional time. We are all Disneyed out, I tell ya!

Davan discovered that a passion of hers is gymnastics and is close to being on the competitive team already! It usually takes about 2 years! Davan has also discovered swimming (for more than just play) and occasionally mutters about swim team.

Anthony has been riding like a madman, even in the winter this year. Work is going well for him and he's been an amazing support for me.

Max has played basketball , soccer and flag football (in a week long summer day camp), as well as trying out gymnastics and swimming. He loves his sports.

I've adapted a lot and learned a lot. I've rejoined a master's swim team (I'd been on a team briefly about 6 years ago).

We're on our way to being a fairly functional family, although it's so much different than I'd hoped it would be, it is what it is and I'm okay with it.

I plan on writing regularly again. I'm thinking of going more into depth about the past year, as well as writing about current happenings.

It's a Boy!

The waiting for a match is over and now we move on to the fun (and hard) stuff! We were selected unanimously at committee today for Judea! Of course, as we were the only family, this wasn't too much of a surprise, but it was still an anxious day because, of course, you just never know with committees.

I was on pins and needles all day. The committee started at 1pm and was scheduled to go until 4pm, but Barbara said she expected it would end early, as we were the only family being represented. As 3:00 approached and there was still no phone call, I got quite anxious, as if I wasn't already. At 3:30 and still no call, I'd have been near to panic if I'd been alone. Luckily, I was with friends who did a very nice job of distracting me. Barbara finally called at 3:45ish.

We have a 7 day wait, after which we can start transitioning. Hopefully Anthony and I will go to Eugene to meet him next Wednesday or Thursday and stay for a couple of days. Then, sometime in the next week, his foster parents will bring him up to us. They'll stay for a visit, but then they go and Judea stays! He'll definitely be here for Christmas. I've got lots of gift ideas floating through my head!

Davan and I are starting room decorations for him tomorrow. We know what he'd like - sports theme - so we're going to have it done for him when he moves in so he feel welcome.

We're very, very excited!

Happy Thanksgiving

Sorry I didn't actually update before we left for the holiday, but I did find out on Wednesday that we will be going to committee for Judea on Tuesday. The day after tomorrow! Wow!

Barbara talked to her supervisor on Wednesday and was excused from the mandatory training so she can go to committee for us on Tuesday. She really seemed like she wasn't overjoyed by the change in plans. I think she felt like we were letting Thorn down. She was definitely mad about Lisa (Judea's worker) contacting us directly. If Lisa hadn't, we'd have never known that we could have gone to committee for him before Thorn nor that we were the only ones scheduled for committee.

I have been feeling some pangs about Thorn. It's hard to be in a position to choose. I sort of which we weren't, but then I also really think that Judea is a good match for us and will be an easier blending. Not that I expect things to be easy, but easier. Keeping in mind the health of our family, it seems the better way to go.

Of course, we're not really able to choose - committee can still go either way for either boy, but it feels like we'd be chosen at either committee. Judea's because we're the only family and Thorn's because we're the local family.

I just hope that Thorn finds a good match, as well. Anthony joked that we should just take them both, but even if we did want to, it's not allowed. You are not allowed to bring more than one child into your family at a time unless they are siblings. Anthony had a solution to this, too, though. He said, "Well, we'll just transition Judea now and Thorn later." But, it can't really be.

Meanwhile we had a nice Thanksgiving weekend at Beverly Beach, where Anthony, Davan and I stayed in a yurt while my parents stayed in their RV right at the yurt with us. It was a nice combination, given the weather (cold and wet most of the time), as we had the space in the yurt, but a place to cook indoors in the RV. Their RV is a very small one, so it's not like we could all stay in it.

We played lots of games, went for walks both on the beach and at the campground, prepared food, ate the food and visited the aquarium. It was a good trip, except that I was tired most of the time. We had raccoons being loud under the yurt at night for the first two nights, after which Anthony blocked the hole they'd been using. Also, each time it rained at night, it was very loud. I could usually go back to sleep after being woken up by the rain, but it was hard to sleep with the raccoons being so loud. Plus, whenever I woke up, I'd start to think about Judea's committee (and a bit about Thorn) and transitioning and, and, and....

It'll be good to sleep in my own bed tonight. I hope I don't find myself mulling things over too much!

Barbara! ARG!

Everything is humming along just fine and smooth. We're excited about Judea, but also remembering that there is uncertainty with everything in the system. Pretty much, though, we're thinking, okay, let's get ourselves ready for Judea.

Bam. This morning, Barbara calls to let me know that she can't represent us at committee on Tuesday. In the meantime, sense she'd told Judea's case worker she was available, something has come up for her and now she's not. She matter of factly says that she's asking for a reschedule to the next week.

Now, normally, a delay of a week wouldn't mean a lot, but, as it is, it means a great deal because Thorn's committee is on the 1st of December, which is next Friday. With a reschedule, that means that we'd be considered for Thorn first. And we're very strong candidates for Thorn. Our first choice, though, is Judea. It's hard to rank kids like that, but it's how we feel.

I'm doing everything I can to try to get Judea's committee to happen before Thorn's, but I have very little control. I even called back Judea's case worker (even though in Oregon there is only supposed to be case worker to case worker contact) to let her know where we stand. She was very glad to hear from me. She also really wants us to go to committee for Judea first, as she really wants us to adopt him. Wheels are turning, but without me at this point. I haven't had contact with anyone in several hours now. There is only one more work day this week. I have my fingers crossed for news soon.

I may be wrong, but it feels like Barbara is being obstructive in this manner. Perhaps it's really just disorganization, but it's our lives that are being messed with here.

I will keep the blog updated as I know more.

What a Day!

So, as I wrote, we have a date for Thorn's committee - the 1st of December. Barbara had told me that the first day, chronologically, that had been tossed around for Thorn's committee was the 28th of November. I didn't think much when she said it was on the 1st instead, as things seem to always be in flux. Today, though, something happened that makes me think that she was confusing children and committee dates.

I got a call from Judea's case worker this morning. She'd tried to call Barbara, but Barbara wasn't in the office today. This is because Mondays are Barbara's day off. Thus, she called me directly to ask if we were still interested in Judea.

She asked, "Has Barbara told you that committee is tentatively scheduled for the 28th of November?" No, she hadn't. Judea's case worker said that she was concerned because after having sent Judea's updated homestudy, she hadn't heard anything back. She and Barbara had emailed back and forth about what days would work and Barbara had said that the 28th would work for presenting us at committee. Okay, well, we're going to committee for another little boy on the 1st of December, but we are interested in Judea and have been for a long time.

Then Judea's case worker dropped the bomb. We're the only family scheduled to go to committee for Judea on the 28th. Wow. How could this happen, you may ask. Well, Judea has been waiting long enough that it's possible to skirt around the 3 family for committee rule. It's not due to any adverse thing about Judea, it's just because they put recruitment on hold while checking out the biological family member that didn't work out. Rather than take the time to put out a fresh bulletin and find more families, his case worker decided to just go to committee with only us. She says she thinks we're a great match for Judea. Wow.

I asked for 15 minutes to regroup before we spoke again. I called Anthony at work and talked with him. The dilemma is that we feel like we're in pretty deep with Thorn and sort of feel like we're leaving him in the lurch. They waited for us to go to committee for him. However, there are no guarantees that we'll be chosen for Thorn. Committee could very well go a different way than expected. It doesn't make sense for us to not try for Judea, whom we've actually been interested in for longer.

Plus, truth be told, Judea does seem to have fewer issues than Thorn. It's a tough thing, but we've decided to go for it with Judea. It should be an interesting conversation I have with Barbara in the morning.

Just to be clear, even though we're the only family going to committee for Judea, that's not a guarantee that we'll get him, either. It's possible that the committee could say, "No, we don't think this family is a good match. Recruit more families and try again." That would be a blow to our self esteem as a family, but it could happen.

I spoke with Judea's foster mom today, after hearing about committee next week, and she spoke as if this is a done deal. We discussed what Judea would be bringing with him, what transition might look like, what he wants for Christmas...

Wow. It's been an intense day and tomorrow might well be, as well. I wonder what Barbara will say.

We Have a Date!

We've got a date for Thorn's committee. It's the 1st of December in the afternoon. Committee starts at 1pm. That's less than two weeks! We just found out yesterday, when I called Barbara, again.

Barbara also said that another little boy we put in for, Zachary, is going to committee soon and his case worker is interested in us. We're supposed to get his adoption child summary early next week. Zachary just turned 6.

So, to sum up: We're going to committee for Thorn, 4, on the 1st of December. We're waiting for a committee date for Judea, 5, whom we were supposed to go to committee for about 6 months ago, but it was cancelled due to the "need" to check out a biological family member for possible adoption. Now we're being considered for Zachary, 6. A plethora of boys.

I really do have a feeling about Thorn, though, so the rest may be academic. If we're not chosen for Thorn, though, it's nice that there are other possibilities developing for us.

I imagine this time the two weeks will go fairly quickly. We have Thanksgiving this week, for which we're going to Beverly Beach with my parents. The three of us are yurting. The two of them are RVing.

On Monday my mom is coming over to do our shopping together and do food prep. It actually won't be too difficult, as we're getting a premade Thanksgiving dinner from Wild Oats and plan on there being leftovers. Davan also has gymnastics, as usual, Monday evening.

Tuesday is an all morning playdate with two friends, followed by book group in the afternoon and dinner out. Yes, we eat out so rarely that it's a scheduled event. I'm really looking forward to it. We also need to pack, as we're leaving sometime on Wednesday after picking up our premade Thanksgiving dinner.

We come home from our adventure on Sunday. Monday is back to the usual with Girl Scouts and Gymnastics. Some time that week, maybe even twice, we'll be going skiing! We're very excited about this, too! Timberline is open and we have our passes and are ready! Unfortunately, the first day we can make it up there will be that week after Thanksgiving. Maybe twice, though.

The News, Such as It Is

I finally spoke with Barbara yesterday, having called her back. She said she was going to call me sometime yesterday, but... There is still no set day for Thorn's committee, but it'll either be on the 29th of November or in early December. So much for a few weeks from 4 weeks ago. Barbara also indicated that they may only be one other family going to committee for Thorn. Hmmm.

She'd gotten updated information from Judea's case worker and said I could come in and pick it up yesterday afternoon, but when I got there, she was out of the office and hadn't left it at the front desk for me. I called her when we got home and left a message, letting her know and asking her to call me to set up a new time to pick it up. I haven't heard back yet.

She also said she'd check our file (yesterday) and let me know any information from other case workers she'd gotten, but, that doesn't seem to have gotten done either.

There are no new bulletins, which seems odd, as it's been a couple of weeks sense I last looked, but they do seem to come in spurts.

I ended up opting not to do the respite care that I wrote about earlier, as I was just feeling like it would be too much. I didn't want to cancel game day again. Thanks, Stephanie, for the offer to help, by the way. And I didn't really want to try to incorporate preschoolers into game day. I'd do it another day, though. Or even on a Thursday when I hadn't just had a recent game day cancellation. And, frankly, although it's not this foster mom's fault, I was feeling angry with DHS for being so slow and frustrating.

Nothing New, Feeling Bummed

I did not hear from Barbara at all this week. I finally broke down and called her Friday afternoon, but only was able to leave a message and never heard back. So, still no committee date for Thorn. Nor any new information on any kids she said she'd check into for us.

Chris left on Monday after a really nice visit. I enjoyed having her and miss her. Davan's continued to recover from her cold this week, while Anthony also succumbed and felt mildly crappy for most of the week. Tonight, the house is hopping because Davan's three cousins are over for the evening while their mom is out. Four kids 9 and under in a house used to only one is a big change!