And the Drama Continues

So, just as I was loading pictures earlier, there was a knock on the door. It was a little early, but I was expecting Davan's friend, so I thought nothing of it. I went to answer the door and who is standing there? Max.

It was 1:05. He usually gets home between 2:40-2:50. He didn't have his coat or books or anything. He was muddy. His face was muddy. His shirt was muddy. He was out of breath and upset.

Me: "Max! What's going on?!?!?"

Max: "I just came home. I hate school! I don't like school. I just came home."

Me: "Are you okay? What happened?"

Max: "I'm okay. I just came home. I hate school."

Me: "Did something happen?"

Max: "I hate being bossed around all the time at school. I don't like school. I just came home."

Me: "Okay....I'm glad you're okay. Does anyone know you left?"

Max: "I just left."

Me: "Was it recess?"

Max: "No."

Me: "Okay. I've got to call the school and then we'll probably need to go back up there."

Max, cheerful: "Okay."

I called the school. They didn't know he was missing.

I asked him what had happened. He said that he was doing writing when his teacher asked him to move his desk back. He sits with 5 other kids and often is asked to move his desk back because he talks when the are supposed to be working. Then she asked him to move his desk all the way to the wall and he didn't want to so he just left.

I sent Max to his room so I could call Anthony and figure out what to do. The school called on the cell phone, asking me to bring him back up. After figuring out something for getting Davan to her afternoon activity, I did.

His teacher mostly said the same thing that he did about what happened, adding that he was asked to move his desk because he was talking and moving around the group. After the first move, he was back to talking and moving around the group after a few minutes. Thus, he was told to move it more.

There was a substitute principal there today, which was too bad, but I felt like we got somewhere. Max is going to have a consequence for his action. He's also going to be spending time with the school counselor.

I also found out that he was AWOL for 20 minutes this morning, in addition to his afternoon disappearing trick. He wouldn't tell his teacher where he was. I found out on the way home that he was hiding amongst the coats in the class room coat area. He told me he just didn't want to go. I'm sure he was pissed off about this morning.

I also got a clue as to what the deal with the trying last couple of weeks has been. Max told his teacher that he was going to have an adoption party in February. He thought that was when the adoption was going to be finalized. I can only guess that as March went on and the finalization didn't happen, he was freaking out that we didn't want him after all.

In the last few weeks, he's talked about running away, wanting to live with his foster family again and has generally been a shit. More than usual, that is. And his good times seemed to be getting further and further apart. We'd asked him what was going on, but he kept saying that school wasn't going well. A little girl was bossing him around. It turns out she'd told him something like twice after winter break to do something. That didn't really seem to be the issue, but he wouldn't say and we couldn't guess.

After what his teacher said, though, I asked him if he was nervous about the adoption. He said he was. I asked what he was nervous about. He said he didn't want to be adopted. He wanted to go live with is foster family, but that if he did, we'd be mad and might hurt his foster family.

I told him that if he did go live with his foster family, we'd be sad, but would never hurt them. I also explained, though, that it wasn't possible for him to go live with them. For one, they've moved out of state. For two, they chose not to adopt him. I didn't explain the one and two to him, but that it wasn't possible for him to live there. I did let him know, though, that it wasn't our decision to take him away from his foster family.

Then I asked him if he was worried that the adoption wasn't going to happen because February was past and he thought it was going to be in February. Yes, he was thinking that. I reminded him that the last time Barbara was here we'd talked about that it would be in the spring, when the weather was warmer. I told him that, although it's been warm for the last few days, it wasn't really spring yet. I explained that things are still being worked on for the adoption and that we still do want to adopt him.

He complained that it seemed like it would never happen, but he seems to be relieved now. He's been doing well this afternoon. He got his week day list of stuff done (tidying his room, picking up his belongings, reading) with little fuss. He earned two stickers by helping Davan with making dinner, taking out the compost and being cheerful.

I guess we'll see.

More Pictures

A Picture

Here's a picture of Davan, Max and myself from this summer. We've finally upgraded from dial-up, so uploading pictures isn't so painful.

Two Steps Forward, Ten Back

I'd meant to post about Max yesterday. We had a good morning. He earned a sticker for getting dressed quickly. He was relatively cheerful and cooperative about getting ready for school. We chatted and sang amicably on the way to school. After school, I took him to Target where he'd been dying to go to spend some allowance money. He picked out a few things and then tagged along for a quick grocery store stop with me. It was all more or less pleasant. Nothing worse than typical little kid stuff. You know - forgetting things, jumping all around, making incredibly lame jokes, a little whining about the grocery store - that sort of thing.

This morning, he woke up and stuffed his new Lego car down his undies to try to smuggle it to school. The school has a no toy policy. I could care less about carrying a toy around, but choose to follow the school's rule on this. Perhaps I shouldn't. They don't actually seem to care, regardless of the policy, but I digress. Back to the car in the undies.

After our love you rhyme and book, we come into the kitchen/dinning room and Max starts to get dressed. I, being a savvy mom, had realized what he'd done with the car and I told him, "Max, remove the car from your underwear."

"The car?"

"Yes, the car, remove it from your underwear."

"Why are you looking at me?!?!?!?"

"Max. The car."

"Why are you looking at me?!?!?!? Why are you looking at me?!?!?!"

I went over and removed the car myself. He stood there and let the time run down on his getting dressed timer. I mentioned that I didn't really care if he went to school in his undies and pj top. He yelled at me to "just stop it!" Then he got dressed.

He didn't have time for his sweatshirt and tried to still get to wear it by throwing it on top of his coat. I told him that, as it wasn't his coat and it wasn't on, it wasn't going to school. I went to put it back into the blue bin. He blocked my path, then threw himself on top of the blue bin to prevent my putting the sweatshirt in it. I told him to have a seat on his bottom. He didn't. I counted. He still didn't.

I led him out to stand by the front door while I took care of the sweatshirt. He yelled over and over, "I hate you! You're a stupid Mommy!"

I discovered that, rather than take care of his dirty clothes, he'd shoved them into the blue bin.

I went to get him and he'd wrapped his chain necklace around the front door knob and was pulling, so I went to take it and put it in the black box. "It's mine!!!! I needed it for the party!!!!!" Then he hauled off and hit me. Yeah. It's been a while. Especially for a full no hiding it assault like that. Cocked his hand back and hit me right in the chest. Hard.

I said, "Oh, Max" and escorted him to his room.

After a few minutes, I went to let him know he could come out and eat his breakfast and that I was starting the timer for when breakfast ends. After a little bit, he came out and started eating his grapes. We always do a fruit first and then whatever else - cereal, toast with peanut butter, dinner leftovers, whatever.

I let him know that the things there were conflicts over today plus the stuff that was in the blue bin and shouldn't have been would all be going into the black box. He let me know that was no big deal because he only needs two more stickers anyway.

I also let him know that, due to the name calling and hitting, there would be an early bedtime tonight. That means he can't go to the dress rehearsal of a play I was going to take both kids to tonight.

He listened impassively. He opted not to finish his grapes - opted not to even eat up until the time limit. Then we were off to school. I got him up there and didn't yell or do anything aggressive. Victory for me.

I even told him when I turned to walk away that I hoped he had a good day and that I still loved him even though I was very angry.

I wish it didn't have to be so hard.

Hello, My Name is Nicholina and I'm a Sugar-holic

The post-Prozac initial weight drop didn't last. In fact, I'm now up a pound. I can't blame it on the Prozac anymore. I still feel like getting off the Prozac was a good idea (see previous post), but it wasn't what was causing the weight gain. Sadly. That would be an easy fix, no?

I've been skirting around the truth of being a sugar-holic for a while now. I keep saying I have an unhealthy relationship with sugar. I keep going back to eating it anyway.

Some people can eat sugar socially, just like some people can drink alcohol socially. Other people, like alcoholics, find themselves eating just one more piece of someone else's birthday cake. And then just one more. And then, that night, back at home, thinking about the cake and maybe some ice cream would be a good idea. I'll just run out, shall I? And then, if the sugar doesn't continue to come, there are withdrawals. Cravings, irritability, hunger without cause (say, after a large and satisfying meal). That's me, people.

This is not the first time I'm saying this, but I really think I need to just not eat sugar. No cookies, no ice cream, no cake, no candy. Before, though, I'll also say, except for when...it's someone's birthday...someone is offering me a homemade treat...it's Easter/Halloween/Christmas...I've had a really bad day. Not really on the last one, but, yeah, that's caused me to hop up on sugar even after I've said I won't do it.

I'm seriously contemplating a just say no policy. Period. I don't seem to be able to handle social sugar.

All this said, I'm not really into dieting, per say. I think it's more important to focus on eating healthy, nutritious foods. I don't worry about dried fruit (very high in natural sugars) or nuts (very high in fat). I do think, though, that these sugar cravings/needs/desires I have are unhealthy.

We get into dangerous ground here. I do think that being thin is healthy. I want to be healthy. That is the primary reason for wanting to stay slender. However, I also like the way I look when I'm thin. I also don't want to grow out of my clothes and have to buy new ones.

There's the whole movement about being happy with your body the way that it is. I think there's something to be said for that. Eating disorders abound if you focus too much on how you look. However, I must say that I think eating too much and becoming overweight is an eating disorder, too. It may not be as immediately life threatening as anorexia or bulimia, but it is life threatening to be overweight. The fact is that if you're overweight, your life span will, statistically, be shorter than if you're slender. Potentially a lot shorter. That sounds like a problem to me.

Back to sugar. I truly think I need to be done with it. However, I feel like I need to be really sure and strong about it before I make a definite declaration. Again. Or, is waiting not good, either? Perhaps it's best to keep saying, "I quit!" until it sticks one of these times.

Sugar is just such a socially acceptable habit. Like smoking used to be. It's hard to be the one who says no. To be different from everyone else.

I don't know, but I'm thinking about it a lot. For now, though, it's off to bed. And perhaps some "bed time activity" if Anthony is feeling well enough - the poor guy has an unpleasant cold. Fingers crossed!

Drug Free Update

It's coming up on two weeks with no Prozac. I realized a couple of things last night. While on Prozac, it was easier for me not to feel aggressive toward Max when he was really pissing me off. I also did not frequently feel close to tears. I have that to say in favor of Prozac.

However, also while on Prozac, I never once did a cartwheel on our balance beam, which I love doing. I never initiated "bed time activities" as Anthony ever so delicately put it, and I was very tired. I'm still tired, but not in the same yawing-my-way-through-the-day way.

Now I'm back to being enthusiastic about more things, having more energy and feeling more strongly. All-in-all, I think it's a a better way to live. I don't like being drugged.

As for weight, well, I have a whole other post in mind for that.

I really don't get it

Today when Max got up, he found a gift from the Tooth Fairy. It was a basketball video game. Granted, I got it for $1.99, but it is still very cool and something Max was very excited about. Max got in his 20 minutes of reading and then entertained himself while hanging out with Anthony, who was making pancakes. This is Max's favorite weekend breakfast.

After breakfast, Max wanted to play his new video game, which was totally fine. Anthony played a couple of games with him, then Max wanted to try on his own. I was out doing yard work, Davan was entertaining herself and Anthony joined me with doing yard work after his couple of games with Max.

I came in, put out a snacky type lunch, let Max know his two hours of video game time was up for the day and then played Cadoo with both kids. Davan declined a second round of Cadoo, but Max still wanted to play, so I played another with him and (not obviously) let him win. After which, Max freaked out, became defiant and semi-aggressive, got sent to his room, grabbed a toy on the way, refused to hand said toy over, finally threw the toy, laughed in my face, open and shut his door a few times and then finally settled in for his room time.

What I want to know is why? He'd had a good day with lots to do. He still had his basketball game to look forward to with it being his snack day (Cheeto's) and then open gym at Davan's gymnastics gym to look forward to. So, why become such an asshole?

Spring Break Plus

I found out last night that Max's spring break isn't just one week. It's a week and a half. They've accomplished this by having three days worth of parent teacher conferences the week before spring break. To say that I'm not thrilled about this would be an understatement. We'll just have to see if he makes it through the whole time or if the world has seen near to the last of poor little Max. I shudder to think about summer. And this is from a die hard homeschooler. My god, Man. What have I come to?

I've got Max signed up for a half day soccer camp for spring break. Of course, now we have three extra days to do something with. He'll just have to come along for our usual Wednesday stuff - swimming for me followed by swimming for Davan. That should be thrilling for him, doncha think? Actually, while Davan swims, he'll have a friend to play with, so it shouldn't be too awful.

Thursday will be game day, which will help the day move along. Maybe I'll take the kids skiing on Friday. We'll be fine, I'm sure.

I've started thinking about camps for the summer already. I'm not signing Davan up for any, as she's going to team and will be doing gymnastics three days a week all summer. Max, though, will need something. Many somethings, in fact. Sports camps are best for him. There is one outfit in the Portland area that does an unlimited sports camp deal, which would be great except that most of the camps are about a half hour drive away. I wouldn't be thrilled about that commute morning and evening.

And, again, I have to ask myself, where are my homeschooling values? Family time and down time are important, right? But the thought of Max home torturing me all summer is...unpleasant.

Back to the Gym and Other Thoughts

Davan and I go back to the gym this evening. We actually went for preschool play gym yesterday. (Shhh! Davan's not actually a preschooler, but we still go!) I talked to Linda - her coach and the main office person. Indeed, there was more to the story and the coach that quit was given previous instruction to find a sitter or make sure a mom would be available to watch her baby. Also, said coach responded to "You can't bring her anymore," with, "Okay. I was going to give my two weeks notice anyway."

Plus, and I had figured this before, kids were actually leaving because their families were unhappy her coaching. So, that's the gossip for the day and it's back to the hotbed of intrigue this evening.

Today was the last day of the book fair at Max's school. Yay! 20 more minutes of sleep tomorrow morning!

Max started off the day right by knocking on the wall. Yeah. While others were still sleeping. He thought it was cute. I did not. However, after that inauspicious beginning, he was very quick to get dressed and ready for school, earning himself two stickers. I had a heck of a time talking myself into giving him the first one after the knocking incident, but that was my hang up.

Off to grocery shop. We're out of apples and low on bananas. That just won't do. Although, I did get strawberries yesterday and am very much looking forward to them with lunch, even though they've been shipped in from California and will taste like a pale facsimile of a real live strawberry.

High Drama

Davan's gym is falling apart. At the end of summer, we had two coaches leave. One was a planned leave taking and she still sometimes fills in for classes. She was a recreational coach.

The other coached both the higher level recreations girls and team. That one...well, I don't know the details, but it was not an amicable leave taking. It was very sudden. The gym was left in an awkward position. Classes were scrambled and mixed. Things were in upheaval. It all more or less worked out, but they've been looking for a new coach ever sense and still haven't found one.

In September, the main compulsorily girls' coach had a baby. The agreement was that she could bring her baby to work with her. That's been going on for a while. She brings her baby, the baby stays until Dad is off work, then he picks her up.

Now, again, I don't know all the details. I've only heard one side of this story. Apparently, yesterday, the coach was informed that she could no longer bring her baby to work with her. As of right now. Last night was her last night. She quit.

I'd guess that there was some lead up to this, as opposed to just springing it with no warning, but I don't really know. What I do know is that this leaves the gym in a lurch, yet again and even more so.

We now have the head coach, who mostly coaches the optional girls - higher levels and one team coach who, right now, only coaches the level fours. There's no coach for level fives and sixes. I'm sure that it'll be covered somehow, but it might not be pretty.

Knowing all this last night, I've started to look into options for other gyms. After all, before she starts team would be the time to move. However, my main thought was to just ride it out. Gyms go through upheavals. It usually smooths out.

I found out this morning, though, that the compulsory girls (levels 4-6 and the bulk of the gym) are talking about a walk out for three months. The plan would be to put the head coach out of business so another coach can buy it and take over. I'm not overly thrilled about this idea. Davan doesn't want to miss gymnastics. She's only pre-team now, but would be team before the walkout was over.

Plus, I'm not totally convinced it's all Brandon's fault. I'm not sure running him out of business is a good thing. All-in-all, high drama.

On the plus side and on a completely different subject, Max and I had a decent morning. He wasn't overly motivated, earning no stickers, but he was on time and more or less pleasant to be around.

Apples and Carmen

Tonight was family reading night at Max's school. The book fair is open for those who wish to buy books. There's a free book for every family thanks to a partnership with our local library. They feed you (corn dog and tator tots) and there are activities.

Anthony and Max went over to the school, but Davan and I had to go to her gymnastics class this evening, so we, sadly, missed out on the corn dogs. Actually, I must say that I'm pretty glad I missed the corn dog.

Max told us this evening that the activity in his class room was going to be apples and Carmen.

The rest of us: What's that?

Max: Apples.

Us: We get the apples part, but what was the other word?

Max: Carmen.

Us, musingly: Apples and Carmen....

Finally my mother in law, who was over for dinner as she is every other Monday evening, said: Caramel?

Max: Yeah! Apples and caramel!

Us: Ahhhhh! Apples and caramel!

Drug Free

I've decided I'm done with the Prozac. I had planned on Prozac being a temporary measure, anyway, but I was going to do it for 6 months. It's only been 3. However, I have my reasons.

First, the logical ones. I don't really want to lead a drugged life. I like feeling the full range of emotion. I think I've been on it long enough to loose the strong negative feelings I was having toward Max. I have an exercise program in place that I'm doing pretty well with. Exercise, I've found in the past, is a great anti-depressant for me.

Now for the real reason I've decided now instead of later. I've been gaining weight. At first I was blaming it on the holidays. But, truly? Yeah, I ate some treat food, but not a ton. I've still been gaining, though, and it's significantly after the holidays. Not just maintaining extra weight, but gaining. Even though my eating patterns have not noticeably changed from how I've been eating in the last year. And even though I've increased my exercising fairly significantly.

I've been noticing this with some alarm, seeing as how my clothes are getting snug. Then, I remembered a story of a friend of a friend who gained a whole bunch of weight while on Paxil (same family of drugs as Prozac). Then I realized that when I was at my max weight ever, I'd just come off a six month course of Paxil. I'd been going through some depression after being in a fairly serious car accident. It's a whole separate story. After that, though, I fairly effortlessly shed some pounds and it was my highest weight ever.

So, I'm done. I took my last dose last Wednesday. So far, all is well. Nicely, even though it's that time of the month, I've even had a nice return of 'ye 'ol sex drive. And I'm down a pound. So there it is.

I'm a mean, mean mom

Of course, I've been told this more times than I can count in the last 14 months. Strangely, for the 9 years I was a mom before that, I'd never been told that before. Hun.

Any-ho, this morning I got Max up, did our little I-love-you finger rhyme, read him a story and then it was time to get dressed. You may remember that on Wednesday Max managed to get dressed in two minutes (I allot five for that activity). Today, however, even though he slept in his undies and socks (and, thus, didn't even have to take off his pjs), he was still working when the timer went off.

The only this he had left to adorn himself with was his stocking cap. He likes to wear it at breakfast. It was still in his bin (where he keeps the clothes and school stuff for the next day). I said, "Time's up, buddy. Close 'er up and come to breakfast."

Max looks me in the eye, reaches into the bin, pulls out his hat, and puts it on - all while looking me right in the eye.

I calmly went over, took the hat off and put it back in the bin. At this point, it's worth noting that it has been very warm here the last few days. Highs in the 60s. Not to mention that it was crazy hair day today and Max had wanted me to put colored gel in his hair. That would be hard with a hat on. Just saying.

Max starts yelling at me, "You are a mean mom!!!! You are such a mean mom!!!! Why are you so mean to me!?!?!?!"

I set the timer for breakfast and went on about getting his breakfast done and lunch packed.

Max comes to the counter and, not 30 seconds after the yelling, says in a perfectly cheerful voice, "Oh, Mommy, are you going to put hair color in my hair for me?"

"I'd love to, Max, but mean moms don't do that sort of thing."

"mumble, mumble"

I reviewed the day's happenings for him, mentioning that it was crazy hair day. I said, "It's a good thing we did your hair cut last night so you'll have some sort of crazy hair sense mean moms don't put in hair color and it seems that I'm still mean." I was trying to lead him to apologize, after which I'd have put in his hair gel.

He finished up breakfast, got ready to go out the door and then looked at me expectantly. I opened the door and walked out. His little face fell.

"Oh, you were still thinking up until the last minute you were going to get hair color. But you said I was mean and then never even apologized. I guess that means I'm still mean and mean moms don't do nice things like that."

He was pissed. I reached out to straighten his backpack strap and he wrenched violently away from me. Then he started yelling, "I! Well! I won't! Because of you!!!!!!!!"

After a half a block, the pissed wore off and he started crying. He held my hand. I said to him, "It's pretty disappointing, isn't it? You really wanted color in your hair. I'm disappointed, too. I wanted you to have color. Unfortunately, that's not something mean moms do."

Screaming, "Stop saying that! You're not mean! Just stop saying that!"

"Dude, you were the one who brought it up today."

Over the top of me, still screaming, "Just stop talking about it!!!!!!"

The rest of the walk was decent, actually. It's an odd life I lead these days.

Can't Have Two Good Days in a Row

Davan saved Max's bacon last night. Max, it must be said, did quite well yesterday. We had the super smooth morning and good swimming followed by an okay evening. All-in-all, he had a good day. However, he hadn't earned that last sticker to get the black box back with his shoes that he needed for basketball practice. I really wanted him to get it, but he just didn't give me a reason at all.

After dinner, as Davan and I were leaving for her gymnastics class, I said to Max, "Good-bye, Cutie-Pie and I really hope you get that last sticker so you can go to basketball."

Davan spoke up and said, "Max did something really nice for me yesterday. When we were at the homeschool group, some boys were chasing us (Davan and two of her friends) around. They were friends of Max's and he got them to stop. I think he should probably get a sticker for that."

I concurred and Max got his 10th sticker and, thus, had the proper shoes for practice.

Now, after the first 10 stickers, when Max earned the black box in time for his basketball game, I let him know we'd continue with the sticker program. I wrote up a reward list that he could choose from ever 10 stickers. Plus, ever 40 stickers earns a couple of hours out with either Mom or Dad. For 10 stickers, he can choose to get his stuff out of the black box, play with Mom or Dad for a set amount of time - whatever he wants, not have to clean his room for a day, or a chocolate -cherry smoothy for an after school snack.

Apparently, though, these things are not enough incentive unless he's lost all of his shoes because he hasn't bothered to try to earn more. In fact, he was a piece of work this morning. He took right up to the timer to get dressed. He cried because I wouldn't let him get something for show and tell - the rule being that he has to have it ready the night before. He fussed and fussed because I game him tangelo slices for his breakfast fruit. They were actually left over from his snack yesterday afternoon.

Yesterday afternoon, Davan was ravenously hungry after she swam for an hour and forty minutes. She was tearing through food and looking for more. I asked Max if he wanted to eat his tangelos or if he wasn't interested. He said, "I'm going to eat them!" So, Davan didn't get them and she'd have totally eaten them for him.

Thus, he got them this morning. Well, folks, it turns out that he hates tangelos, which is kind of funny as he was very keen to eat them yesterday instead of letting Davan have them.

So, he opted not to eat breakfast rather than have to face tangelos. He heaved big sighs and complained. He glared bitterly at me. He earned an early bedtime for being so grumpy in the morning, because, of course, if you're too tired to be co-operative in the morning, then you're obviously not getting enough sleep.

We left for school and he was pissed off most of the way there. He kicked some rocks out of a yard. We usually kick rocks on the way to school, but the rule is that you can only kick rocks already loose on the sidewalk. No kicking rocks out of yards. So, he had to put them back. We spent five minutes with him glaring at me before he finally did it and we were off to school again. Thanks to skipping breakfast, though, he was not late.

While he was glaring on the side walk, I put on my walkman headphones (I take them for listening to while I do my morning walk after he's dropped off), did some stretches and acted totally unconcerned about him just standing there. It worked for me!

We shall see how the afternoon goes...

Just an Update

I don't have anything earth-shattering to post about, but if I don't keep it up on a regular basis, I'll find I'm out of the habit and the blog will, again, go to seed.

We ended up having a fairly nice weekend after the Saturday of feeling like I hardly spent any time with Anthony. We did a lot of family time on Sunday. When we have time to spend together and neither of us adults are feeling too much like strangling a child (and, thus, in need of time apart from said child), we do what we call "family rotational fun."

Depending on how much time is available, we each come up with one to three activities for everyone to do together. Sometimes we mandate a time frame for each activity (10-15 minutes, for example). Sometimes we mandate that it has to be an active thing or that at least one of each person's choices has to be active. Everyone writes down their chosen activities on a separate piece of scrap paper. The we put all the papers in a hat and take turns picking out an activity. Then we all do it.

Things people have come up with before include board or card games, sit down dodge ball, sneak across, patoe, hallway bowling, indoor frisbee golf (played with a soft frisbee and a cat scratching post), croquette, a bike ride around the local park, tag, hide and seek and so on and so forth. It's mostly fun. One can't expect two kids and their not perfect parents to totally get along for the hours that it sometimes takes to do family rotational fun.

Monday was the start of a new week with all of it's busyness. I had to take Cinnamon (one of our four cats) into the vet. It turns out he had developed an allergy to fleas. So, we started in with the spring flea regime and Cinnamon also got an antihistamine shot to start the healing.

After the vet, Davan and I ran off to Girl Scouts. Then it was swimming for me, a post Girl Scout play session with a friend for Davan. Davan and I met up back home thanks to said friend's mom dropping her off for me. Then it was back to the pool for Davan's swim session and I had to go get Max from school and back to the swimming pool for his swim session. Whew.

Then there was finally time for lunch and chatting with friends who's kids also take swimming. After Max's swimming, it's off to home for Davan to make dinner (on Mondays and Wednesdays usually). My parents came to eat with us and to watch Davan do gymnastics. Davan went home with them to spend the night.

Tuesday was great. A break from the schedule for some adult time for Anthony and I. We went skiing just the two of us! It was very, very nice. We skied like maniacs and very much enjoyed our time together. Max, of course, was at school and Davan was spending the day with my parents before they brought her back home.

Max, sadly, lost his last pair of tennies when he hung on a door knob to take them off. However, the good news is that he's only one sticker shy of getting the black box back as of this moment. I can probably come up with a way for him to get one before basketball practice tonight. However, his streak of co-operative getting things done in an effort to get his shoes (and other assorted black box items) seems to be easing up greatly.

I was planning on giving him one for having his list done (room tidying, possession patrol, laying out clothes for tomorrow, reading) before dinner, but he's not going to have it done because he got side tracked. So now I have to come up with something else. But what? What that he can do before basketball? He's earned 5 today already. One for being dressed with three (out of five) minutes to spare, one for being 10 minutes early to get out the door to school, one for just having a good and cheerful attitude this morning, one for being co-operative about hurrying out the door after he got home from school, one for waiting well for his turn to swim (although, he did have kids to play with, so this wasn't a great stretch for him, but still), one for getting undressed promptly and cheerfully with clothes right side out when I told him it was time to get ready for swimming.

However, then he dragged about getting into the tub when we got back from swimming. And he didn't get in and do his list like he said he would. If he doesn't have the list done by dinner time (not at all likely), he won't earn a sticker for that. Then his only real hope is to volunteer to do a task for someone else. I might have to prompt him to move in that direction.

Sore Neck, Kind of Grumpy

It happened Wednesday morning. Early enough in the morning to be considered still night. 4:20am to be precise. I woke up just enough to roll over and yawn when, mid yawn, my neck spasms and clenches right on up. I laid there thinking, "Will it pass?" The answer to that one, folks, is no, not so much. My neck is still sore. Wednesday, though was the worst and I know it'll pass, but I'm still not happy about it.

I've been really tired a lot lately. Maybe not so much lately. For quite a while, really. I don't know why I'm so tired. I seem to be tired even when I'm regularly getting enough sleep. Enough for me is about 9 hours.

So, last night, I hit the hay early. Sadly, I didn't even wake up when Anthony came to bed and then he was up before me, so we didn't get in any good weekend morning cuddling, which is sad. All together, I'm feeling a bit grumpy.

I did cuddle with Davan this morning, though, which was nice, but not the same.

Max is having his basketball pictures done this morning. We have a game later, after which he's spending the afternoon with my parents - Oma and Tad-ku to the kids.

Pee, pee everywhere

After last night's incident of Max having to get out of bed to clean up the pee, we had an interesting night.

At about 4:00 this morning, Max started crying. Anthony went to see what was up. Max, apparently, was awake with bad images in his head. Now, Max does tend toward nightmares, but this wasn't a nightmare. He also used to do a lot of crying in the middle of the night because he would be awake and bored. Rather than lay down and go to sleep again, it was more interesting for him to wake everyone else up. He's mostly past that, but the 4am cry this morning seemed more like that than anything else.

Any-who, Anthony gets him calmed down and come back to bed for the half an hour he has left before his alarm goes off.

Then we hear Max get up to go to the bathroom. Max isn't big on middle of the night peeing. Pretty much, when he stopped with the bored night time crying, he also stopped with any night time peeing.

After a bit of bathroom time, Max knocks on our door. "I had an accident in the bathroom!" he announces.

Now, Max is usually quite upset with accidents. He cries and is visibly distraught. His announcement sounded down right proud.

Anthony got up to supervise the clean up. Max's story is that as soon as he felt the need to go, he got up. But, when he got into the bathroom and was standing in front of the toilet, he just started peeing. Without even pulling his pj pants down. He didn't want to just pull out his penis and pee int he toilet because "it might get on the wall" and then he's have to wipe that up, too. So, he just stood there and peed all of his pee. On the floor. Yeah.

Our theory? He realized when Anthony got him up last night that cleaning up pee was something he'd get to be out of bed for. And attention, too! What a deal.

So, we're thinking of an even earlier bed time this evening to make up for lost sleep.

I did manage to find two things to give him stickers for this morning, though. One for finishing getting dressed with a whole minute to spare. The other for being ready, backpack on and everything, a couple of minutes early. Although, I had a hard time giving him the first one, especially, because he'd also been thumping on the floor in the living room even after I'd asked him to stop. Davan was still sleeping or the thumping would not have been a big deal.

Max had a BAD night

Poor Max. He didn't have shoes to wear to basketball practice and he had to miss it. I did, however, start thinking again about rewarding behavior, as Violet suggested in the comments. Here's the thing. Well, the couple of things. One is how good Max is at sabotaging rewards. He tends to not earn them and then complain bitterly that I didn't give them to him.

The other thing, though, is that I'm pretty ambivalent about rewarding good behavior. I think Alfie Cohn has some very persuasive things to say about not rewarding kids. Check out the article titled "Five Reasons to Stop Saying, 'Good Job!'" if you're interested. It gives some incite into his thinking. To really check out what where he's coming from, one of his books is called "Punished by Rewards." Anyway, back to the ambivalence.

The fact is, though, that we do punish Max. Sure, we like to call it consequencing, but that's really just prettying things up. I tell him to go to his room when my blood pressure reaches the level that I'm afraid I'll do something I regret to him. We take toys (temporarily) that he either doesn't put away when he's supposed to or uses inappropriately (hitting someone or throwing the toy at the wall or whatever). We don't take him to fun events if he hasn't done the (granted minimal) chores and homework he is required to do. We are sure to let him know if he does something that annoys us. He gets a talking to.

So, maybe it's better to punish with rewards, or lack of them, than to punish with the above mentioned things. Or, at least, if I'm going to punish him, I might as well reward him, too. I try to avoid don't both with Davan as much as possible. I try hard to parent her unconditionally. I'm not always successful in this venturer, but much more so with Max, who seems to need the control. They like to call it a "structured environment" on the adoption blogs. Honestly, I didn't realize they meant consequences and rewards, but they do. I'd been thinking a time and place to do things - that sort of thing. Just one of those little misunderstandings, I guess.

Anyway, I told Max this morning that we were going to try out a new system. If it seemed to work well, we could keep it up. I let him know that he could earn the black box stuff early via good behavior. To quantify, I let him know that I'd give him a sticker for every time he did something particularly good. The idea here is that he wouldn't get one for mildly dragging his feet, but making it out the door on time in the morning. He would get one for a smooth morning plus an on time (or early) departure. 10 stickers on his sticker sheet = black box.

Then I went out of my way to find things to give him stickers for today. He did earn four. I didn't expect him to earn all 10 in time for basketball practice tonight, but it's looking like he may just get his shoes back in time to go to his game on Saturday. I just have to keep really digging to find those moments....

In addition to the no basketball practice deal, Max had to get out of bed to clean his pee off the toilet and floor. He'd totally sprayed all around, like he wasn't even trying. Anthony found it and got him up to clean it up. He never said anything or even tried to clean it up.

Max spent 10 long minutes crying and wailing and stalling before he finally got the toilet and floor wiped up. Sadly for him, we let him know that for every minute he was up tonight, he'd have to go to bed 5 minutes early tomorrow night. It looks like an early bedtime tomorrow. Again with the punishment. Sigh.

On an exciting and totally different note, Davan came off the gymnastics floor all pumped up and happy this evening. Her coach told her that she's going to test Davan's class for team next month! Davan is ready and very excited. It's only the preliminary test. The girls who make it won't move up until May or June, but the girls who look like they're going to team based on the results of the testing will get to go three days a week to practice. Davan is over the moon about more gym time. Linda has already told me on more than one occasion that Davan will move up this time, so we're kind of counting our chickens before they hatch. Still, it's not much of an emotional risk. Her skills are there.

I'm so bossy

I got Max up this morning, did an I love you finger rhyme, read to him and then it was time to get dressed. He usually has 5 minutes for this task. All of his clothes are picked out the night before, so it's just a matter of taking off his pjs and putting on said clothes. If he gets in and starts changing quickly, he does it in about 3 minutes and I don't' bother setting the timer. However, if he's dawdling, I do.

This morning, he got started fine, but then was busy standing around, so I set the timer for finishing up. This was the first time I was told I was so bossy.

Then it was breakfast time. I usually set the timer for breakfast, as well. Eat or don't eat, but breakfast is over when the timer goes off. I forgot to set it immediately when he sat down to eat, and didn't think of it until he had five minutes left and was sitting there, not eating at all. When I set the timer, he said, "What? Why are you doing that? I have so much left to eat. Why do you have to boss me all the time?" That makes two times for those keeping track.

Then he goes to wash his hands and plays in the water. And plays in the water. And splashes a bit. And sings a song. "Move on, Max, it's almost time to go." Yes, again a bossy complaint.

He then dries his hands. And stands there, playing with the towel. And sings a song. "Max, move along."

He goes and gets his sandals, moseying along, talking to himself, standing around for a bit, brings the sandals back across the house (rather than just making one trip), sits down and starts fidgeting with the sandals. "Max, we're out the door in one minute."

He starts to try to put them on. "But I'm having trouble with these! Why do you boss me around all the time?!?!!?" Wailing.

We go out the door with him giving a constant stream of whines, grumbles and comments on my bossiness.

It was lovely.

Oh, and why sandals in February? Because he's lost the use (temporarily) of all three of his pairs of tennies. He he's been having trouble with hanging on things while taking his shoes off - door knobs, the handle for the oven (which is bent now), drawer pulls, the end of the table, etc. So, we let him know that was not okay and, if he couldn't take his shoes off without hanging on something while standing up, he needed to sit down to take his shoes off. I also let him know that any shoes that were taken off while hanging would be put in the black box. He lost all three pairs of tennies in two days. Until the black box is opened (a few days), he has sandals and boots. I guess he didn't want to wear his boots today. Of course, the sandals and boots may well go, too and then he'd be down to slippers. I wonder if he'll stop hanging at some point.

Skiing!

We usually ski about once a week in the winter, but we haven't gone in a couple of weeks due to weather/illness. Today, though, Davan and I went skiing today with my parents. We had a really nice time. The weather was great...other than being too warm and thus, the snow was slushy and grabby by 11:30 or so. We left at 1:00 so that we would be home by the time Max got home from school, but we would have left by then anyway, as the snow conditions were to the point that it was not overly fun.

Plus, my parents had had enough skiing by then, as my step dad only skied once last year and my mom has only skied one other time in the last four years. Four years ago my mom did a number on her knee while skiing and had to have surgery. It is great that she is getting out there after that at all.

Max, though, had a rough morning. Lots of crying and fussing. He ended up having to go out the door with only one shoe tied because he delayed so much. He cried most of the way to school, even after I tied his shoe for him. Ah well. Can't win them all.