I don't know if I can do this. Really. I know I must. I know I will. But I am loosing myself. I am so tired of dealing with the drama.
I am loosing my patience, my tolerance, my humor. My enjoyment of kids in general is sharply down. I don't want to be the person I'm becoming. It turns out that I wasn't strong enough for this.
I don't want to face all the years ahead with Max. I want the kid who was in his teacher's class for the first half of the school year to come and live with us. I want the kid who doesn't have OOD or FAE or attachment issues that we were told we were getting. I want the state to step up and say, "Oh, gee, there's a better home for him. One where he'll be loved and accepted and even appreciated for who he is. One where the family is brown like him." I'd like to be kept up to date on how he does there. I'll give up on the adoption dream now that I know I'm not cut out for it.
That's the only thing he asked for in a family, that they be "brown like me." They didn't give that to him. I think it was a mistake.
I want to enjoy my kids. At least most of the time. I know I enjoy Davan less, too. And that's sad. There is so much that is sad.
I don't want to finalize. I will, though. I have no choice.
How great would it be if I could offer some comment that'd make you feel better, make the situation better, and solve all the problems?
ReplyDelete*hug* I've got nothing but sympathy and empathy and an ear (eyes?) if you need to talk more...
forgive my ignorance on this process.
ReplyDeleteYou always have choices.
Why must the finalization happen now?
Is there an option to wait?
What would be the worst thing that happened if you waited?
What would be the best?
I'm not able to be as supportive as violet - she is living a life much closer to yours than I.
But I have read your life with great interest.
Do you legitimately not want to face all the years ahead with Max?
If you "fail" this....what would be the outcome?
I too wish I could make this better. But for me, knowing that I'm not actually in a corner, knowing that I do have a say, or a vote, or another option can be very freeing. Even if I go forward with what I didn't really want to do. At least if would be my choice.
What does Anthony think?
Those questions are ones I wanted to ask, too.
ReplyDeleteYou do have choices.
Of course you know that whatever choices you make, your friends will still be your friends and back you up.
I'm sorry this has been so hard for you, and so much different that your dreams.
If you have time, I would love to hear why you don't think you have a choice. If you are having these feelings and you don't really think things will get better, now is the time to disrupt rather than later. I'm not saying to disrupt, I don't even know you, but I would like to read more and try to offer any advice that I can. How long has Max been with you?
ReplyDelete