Wednesday, December 02, 2009

I Need to Rant

Two posts in one day because I just have to rant. I've had to watch my kid's heart break today and I'm angry and sad myself.

Davan has a few friends, not a huge circle of friends, but a few. She considers two to be best friends. Those two she decided to invite to her birthday party. She just wants to go play in the snow and then have a sleep over with her two best friends. We talked about all sorts of other options, some of which would include more friends, but this is what she wanted.

She told friend H about her plans at least a month ago via email. H is a friend that, now that she's not swimming, she really only keeps in touch via email. They email back and forth sometimes several times a day, though, showing that the interest to be in touch is on both sides, it seems to me.

However, every time Davan asks about getting together, H is busy or forgets to plan it or some such thing. Now, some families are better than others about getting their kids together with friends to play. This is a definite thing. We've noticed that it isn't easy for H's family for whatever reasons, so Davan wasn't taking this personally, although she wanted to see H. Still, we both thought that, for her birthday, H's family would make an effort.

H had been rather non-committal when Davan, who in part picked the snow birthday party because it's the one H said she'd like the best out of the various ideas Davan had, asked if she'd be able to come. Well, today, I finally took the bull by the horns and emailed the mom. I explained that Davan was only inviting two girls and that it meant a lot to her for H to be there. I got a reply back that they are volunteering all week at a local homestead type farm for their Christmas program, so H couldn't come. I'm sorry, but they couldn't do without H for a day? Davan was even willing to have the party on a different day so that H could come, but that won't work because H is booked all week.

I'm so angry at the mom for not helping to make this happen. However, then, I start to doubt. Is it actually that Hanna doesn't want to come? Sadly, I've seen Davan loose friends before for what seem to be unknown reasons. As I've mentioned on this blog before, Davan has some autism spectrum type behaviors, so maybe that's the problem.

One previous friend, In, was a really good friend for over a year. They both pursued the friendship and wanted to spend as much time as possible together. Then, In just kind of stopped returning Davan's calls. We thought it was just because she was busy (which she is - gymnastics 3 nights a week, voice lessons, piano lessons and drama on Saturdays all fill her non school time), but then we saw them at a restaurant the other evening and it rather seemed like In was trying to avoid Davan. So, did something happen? What? Davan doesn't seem to know.

Another, L, we kind of figured the girls just started going in different directions. Davan and L were best of friends, again, wanting to spend lots of time together, as much as possible. They had a lot in common, including great imaginations on both parts. Then there were a couple of awkward interactions and pretty soon Davan didn't want to spend time with L anymore. It seems like they just were growing in different directions. Davan still wants to be a little kid in a lot of ways, enjoying playing and being silly. L is more into wearing the right clothes and the cool shows on TV. But, is it more? Did Davan do something that made L push her away?

I wish I knew how to help her. I wish I knew if it was even her problem. I wish she had a friend she could count on. My heart is breaking for her. Of course, her other best friend, K is still coming. K is a good friend and they still seem to like each other...but they don't get together as often as Davan would like. Again, I think it's because K's family is busy and doesn't live conveniently close, but maybe K just doesn't want to get together too often. I wish I knew for sure. She does seem to enjoy being with Davan, but, yeah, there are reasons to doubt, given Davan's friendship record. Sigh.


  1. That just stinks.
    I'm sorry.

    Davan is a good person and I doubt that all or even any of the blame lies with her. I think kids just grow in different directions, really.

    And it sounds like that one mom isn't very easy to work with.


  2. Anonymous4:36 PM

    I am sorry too. I don't think anyone tells you how much your heart will hurt when you are raising kids.
    I don't want to sound mean, but your family is very much not like the typical family with tvs blaring, myspace rotting, and Papa Murphy's pizza going while the kids drink as much soda as possible. It could very well be that they are getting to the age where they sense something is just different at your house. It won't be until these girls are adults that they can appreciate what they missed out on. Poor Davan.
    Screw 'em.
    Maybe you should let her open the nutcracker surprise early?

  3. I don't take it as being mean to say we aren't like the typical family. That's certainly true and we're all happy that's the case.

    I'm pretty darn sure that's what happened with her friend, L. However, many of Davan's friends walk a different walk themselves. Most are homeschoolers, which, by definition make us a little different. H's family, in particular, also don't do a lot of TV/soda/fast food type stuff. So, in that case, I don't think it's about that.

    Davan, though, is nothing if not resilient. She's looking forward to her day with K and we had a very nice time going to the Festival of the Trees today - just the two of us. She'll be fine. I just wish she could find the best friend she'd so like to have.