We thought we'd done a pretty through job of finding Max's belongings, but, of course, there are things we've missed. A Spiderman towel of his showed up in the laundry the day after we sent his things on. Yesterday evening, while playing croquette in the yard, we discovered a soccer ball of his. He had more than one and one definitely went with him.
At this point, we're probably not going to pass on the lingering items unless we find something with personal value to him. Neither of these items would fit in that category. If he were living locally, we'd pass them on through DHS, but, as he's not, we don't want to pass on more than small things unless they are important to him somehow.
I did make a disk of all the pictures we'd taken the whole time he lived here and will be passing that on, as I wasn't able to get it done before the good-bye meeting. I did have the life book and photo album done, though.
And as we come across this stuff? We're still okay. Davan, I still think, feels it more than anyone else because she worries about getting shipped off herself, even if she knows intellectually that won't happen. We just keep talking about it and giving her lots of extra love and attention. I have to admit that, whenever we disagree, I worry, "Will she think this means I don't love her and she'll have to leave?" I know that's not the case, but I don't know if she knows it bone deep anymore. That's sad. She shouldn't ever have to worry about that. It makes me wish we'd never gone down the adoption path for her to have to have those feelings.
Sunday, August 03, 2008
Saturday, August 02, 2008
Eating Plan
Learning from the past, Anthony, Davan and I have developed a plan for mostly healthy eating that we're going to try to stick to in a forever sort of way. We're going to eat healthy stuff at home, which means aiming for predominantly a veggie and fruit based diet with some whole grains, nuts and seeds thrown in. More nuts and seeds for those of us who are growing and/or very active. We will limit, but not totally eliminate added oils and sweeteners. We are allowing up to two food items with dark chocolate chips in them a week, i.e. pancakes on Sunday and bars that are otherwise healthy.
In addition, we will eat out once a month. When we eat out, we can eat whatever we feel like, including dessert, if we so choose. We will also walk over to our local TCBY one Wednesday a month for a waffle cone. They have 99 cent waffle cones on Wednesdays. We all enjoy the experience of walking over for "ice cream" and miss it greatly when we don't allow it at all.
We've also came up with several eating holidays throughout the year. The holidays include birthdays of immediate family members, Christmas, Halloween, Groundhog Day (yes, really - some friends of ours do a big Groundhog Day party every year), free cone day at Ben and Jerry's, Easter and Thanksgiving. On the holidays, we can eat whatever we like.
If we choose to eat out for a birthday or other holiday, then that's our one meal a month of eating out.
And there is still one more caveat. That is that whenever we are traveling or at another person's house for a meal or are invited out to eat (my parents take us out semi-regularly), we will also just eat as we like, which may be healthy choices or may not, but no judgment either way.
There are a lot of ifs, ands and buts in this eating plan, but we feel like it will work for us. Each of us wants to eat in a healthy manner, but we all have a harder time if there is no foreseeable splurge. Of course, sometimes we'll have a lot of splurges in a short period of time, but we may choose to not splurge as much because of it on those occasions. Or if we do, we do. We're still eating in a mostly healthy way overall.
Today we had yet another gymnastics picnic - this time for Devos rather than team and we had our first eating whatever we liked time. Boy we had to wait a long time for that - day 2! LOL Anyway, we took a large veggie tray to share and we all ate a lot off of it. I also ate some watermelon and then went wild with the chocolate chip cookies, one of my personal weaknesses, in addition to a few tortilla chips and a few bakery potato wedges. Anthony went wild with fried chicken, pizza and chips as well as chocolate chip cookies. Davan, meanwhile, only splurged on a slice of pizza with the cheese pealed off. She was contemplating a cookie when a friend dragged her off to swing and then it was out of her mind. That's what you get for being busy, I guess - a lot less recreational eating, which is what I was doing for sure, especially by the 4th chocolate chip cookie...
Davan received one of the awards the Devos coach handed out today. She was the hardest worker in her level. She was proud of that, but also shared with us after that she felt like she was one of the ones who'd improved the most, also, even though she wasn't chosen for that. I think she's right about that, but I also think the coach wanted to spread out who got what and Davan is a remarkably hard worker, making her a stand out in that category. No one got more than one award.
In addition, we will eat out once a month. When we eat out, we can eat whatever we feel like, including dessert, if we so choose. We will also walk over to our local TCBY one Wednesday a month for a waffle cone. They have 99 cent waffle cones on Wednesdays. We all enjoy the experience of walking over for "ice cream" and miss it greatly when we don't allow it at all.
We've also came up with several eating holidays throughout the year. The holidays include birthdays of immediate family members, Christmas, Halloween, Groundhog Day (yes, really - some friends of ours do a big Groundhog Day party every year), free cone day at Ben and Jerry's, Easter and Thanksgiving. On the holidays, we can eat whatever we like.
If we choose to eat out for a birthday or other holiday, then that's our one meal a month of eating out.
And there is still one more caveat. That is that whenever we are traveling or at another person's house for a meal or are invited out to eat (my parents take us out semi-regularly), we will also just eat as we like, which may be healthy choices or may not, but no judgment either way.
There are a lot of ifs, ands and buts in this eating plan, but we feel like it will work for us. Each of us wants to eat in a healthy manner, but we all have a harder time if there is no foreseeable splurge. Of course, sometimes we'll have a lot of splurges in a short period of time, but we may choose to not splurge as much because of it on those occasions. Or if we do, we do. We're still eating in a mostly healthy way overall.
Today we had yet another gymnastics picnic - this time for Devos rather than team and we had our first eating whatever we liked time. Boy we had to wait a long time for that - day 2! LOL Anyway, we took a large veggie tray to share and we all ate a lot off of it. I also ate some watermelon and then went wild with the chocolate chip cookies, one of my personal weaknesses, in addition to a few tortilla chips and a few bakery potato wedges. Anthony went wild with fried chicken, pizza and chips as well as chocolate chip cookies. Davan, meanwhile, only splurged on a slice of pizza with the cheese pealed off. She was contemplating a cookie when a friend dragged her off to swing and then it was out of her mind. That's what you get for being busy, I guess - a lot less recreational eating, which is what I was doing for sure, especially by the 4th chocolate chip cookie...
Davan received one of the awards the Devos coach handed out today. She was the hardest worker in her level. She was proud of that, but also shared with us after that she felt like she was one of the ones who'd improved the most, also, even though she wasn't chosen for that. I think she's right about that, but I also think the coach wanted to spread out who got what and Davan is a remarkably hard worker, making her a stand out in that category. No one got more than one award.
Friday, August 01, 2008
So, yeah
What to post about now, that is the question.
First, how am I doing with Max being gone and really gone at that? Okay, I think. When I see pictures of him or am reminded of him, I feel a little tug on my heart, but mostly, I'm still just really relieved. My days are so much calmer. I can focus on other stuff now. There isn't a weight over my head, just waiting to drop, as it was even when Max was off at day camp or something. He just never truly became a part of the family, so I still feel like my family is intact.
I've been walking a lot, as it's what I'm doing while Davan is in gymnastics (other than watch her) and because Davan and I are walking places together - such as to the library and Boarders today.
We're looking at getting back on track food-wise. I can make dinners that are iffy and not have to worry about it. Anthony and Davan will either choke it down or find something else. They won't complain because I'm trying new stuff.
We'd written off the month of July food-wise. Between the disruption, company and going out of town, we ended up doing a lot of eating out, emotional eating and convenience eating. I'd given up on the not eating sugar thing a couple of months ago. So much for that.
We have a new plan, though, which seems like it should work. I'll perhaps post about it another day, as Anthony is waiting to watch an episode of Buffy with me.
First, how am I doing with Max being gone and really gone at that? Okay, I think. When I see pictures of him or am reminded of him, I feel a little tug on my heart, but mostly, I'm still just really relieved. My days are so much calmer. I can focus on other stuff now. There isn't a weight over my head, just waiting to drop, as it was even when Max was off at day camp or something. He just never truly became a part of the family, so I still feel like my family is intact.
I've been walking a lot, as it's what I'm doing while Davan is in gymnastics (other than watch her) and because Davan and I are walking places together - such as to the library and Boarders today.
We're looking at getting back on track food-wise. I can make dinners that are iffy and not have to worry about it. Anthony and Davan will either choke it down or find something else. They won't complain because I'm trying new stuff.
We'd written off the month of July food-wise. Between the disruption, company and going out of town, we ended up doing a lot of eating out, emotional eating and convenience eating. I'd given up on the not eating sugar thing a couple of months ago. So much for that.
We have a new plan, though, which seems like it should work. I'll perhaps post about it another day, as Anthony is waiting to watch an episode of Buffy with me.
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Thinking, Chilling
I've been thinking that maybe I need to change the picture on my blog now. I will eventually. Probably when I find a new good one that's just the three of us. I'm kind of working on letting things naturally phase out rather than getting rid off all things Max right away.
For example, we still have his art work up on the wall of our toy room. I've told Davan that, as she wants to put new pictures up, she can take down any old ones she wants. The rule before was that you had to take down one of your own pictures if you were putting up a new one.
We still have our family portrait up in the living room. We'll replace it at some point, but the one with Max won't get put away in a drawer or where ever, either.
Our screen saver on the computer is all family pictures. Eventually there will be more that don't have Max than that do, but for now he's still showing up.
This is as it should be. He's been a part of our family for a long time. He's made his mark. I'm okay with that.
Now for the chilling part. Davan is off to Blue Lake Park for a few hours with friends shortly. Do you know what that means? It means I have time to myself for a few hours! Who-hoo! Davan, of course, also has gymnastics and I could take that time to myself, but she likes it when I stay, I enjoy watching, I can read my book just as easily there as at home (mostly) and it saves gas not to be dropping her off. So, the gymnastics time isn't really the same as her being picked up and taken someplace.
As it happens, though, I won't be staying at home and chilling the whole time. I have library needs, so I'm thinking I'll walk over there and then I also have Marionberry needs. Our local farm stand is selling them for $14 for a full flat this week, which is about half price. Who-hoo! Of course, that would be a little difficult to carry home, so I'm trying to decide if I need to take the car or bike/trailer out for that or if I can, indeed carry them home. It's about a half mile probably.
Okay. I'm off to help Davan with any last minute preparation for her outing.
For example, we still have his art work up on the wall of our toy room. I've told Davan that, as she wants to put new pictures up, she can take down any old ones she wants. The rule before was that you had to take down one of your own pictures if you were putting up a new one.
We still have our family portrait up in the living room. We'll replace it at some point, but the one with Max won't get put away in a drawer or where ever, either.
Our screen saver on the computer is all family pictures. Eventually there will be more that don't have Max than that do, but for now he's still showing up.
This is as it should be. He's been a part of our family for a long time. He's made his mark. I'm okay with that.
Now for the chilling part. Davan is off to Blue Lake Park for a few hours with friends shortly. Do you know what that means? It means I have time to myself for a few hours! Who-hoo! Davan, of course, also has gymnastics and I could take that time to myself, but she likes it when I stay, I enjoy watching, I can read my book just as easily there as at home (mostly) and it saves gas not to be dropping her off. So, the gymnastics time isn't really the same as her being picked up and taken someplace.
As it happens, though, I won't be staying at home and chilling the whole time. I have library needs, so I'm thinking I'll walk over there and then I also have Marionberry needs. Our local farm stand is selling them for $14 for a full flat this week, which is about half price. Who-hoo! Of course, that would be a little difficult to carry home, so I'm trying to decide if I need to take the car or bike/trailer out for that or if I can, indeed carry them home. It's about a half mile probably.
Okay. I'm off to help Davan with any last minute preparation for her outing.
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Good-Bye
We had our good-bye meeting with Max yesterday. The wait was hard, anticipating what it would be like. The good-bye itself? Well....we were glad to see Max walk in and come over and hug us right away. The first few minutes of seeing him and seeing how he was doing were sweet.
A (therapist) came over and took Davan to a different room while we cuddled a bit. Then, when A came back, she reminded Max of what was happening. He held onto me and cried. He'd been told the day before what was happening and had helped A write a letter to us. I offered to read him the letter we'd written to him. He wanted that and stopped crying right away and smiling and laughing at the pictures and the memories. He was also his usual fidgety self and moved so quickly past the crying...It wasn't long before he was bored with the pictures and wanted us to all go upstairs so we could play. That was when A took him to see Davan.
They drew a picture together and Davan tells us that Max was acting up and silly, but it was okay because she hadn't expected him to be otherwise.
When they came back up, we gave Max the good-bye cards and things that people had given us to give him. Then it was time for good-bye. A took Davan out of the room so we could say our final good-bye and then get Max into Barbara's car. Max, at this point, was mostly concerned with his snack and juice and sticker. He had no trouble getting into the car. He did look a little hang-dog, but it really felt like it was a "practice" emotion, as A would say - something he felt like he was supposed to feel rather than really did.
Davan really broke down when we were getting him out to the car, great big sobs. It was so sad to see.
Anthony and I mostly felt like we'd let Max and Davan down, but that it was the right decision and we were okay. When we were processing after, we both agreed that Max mostly seemed scared by the future rather than upset about leaving us.
We talked with Davan over the course of the evening about how she was feeling. She said she missed Max and was sad for him. We talked about that she was thinking he was feeling the way she would if she had to leave, but he didn't feel the way she would. We asked if she could undo him moving away, would she? It was a very fast, emphatic no for that one. We hugged her and reassured her that it would never happen to her. We stayed for her gymnastics practice, as she was feeling a little fragile. I also read to her extra long at bed time last night.
This morning, she's been back to normal so far. As I was typing in the last paragraph, Max's case worker and new foster mom showed up to get his things. We loaded up and they were gone in about 15 minutes. Davan helped carry out. Davan and I were hugging when his new foster mom came up to us and gave us both a hug and said, "Don't worry about him. He's going to be okay. Take care of yourselves."
His case worker said, "Okay. Thanks. Take care." And they were off.
Davan and I came back in the house and I said to her, "Kind of awkward, no?"
"Yeah. A stranger hugging us. Weird." Then she was back to enthusiastic play with Ari (her rat).
So, that seems to be that. They only thing I'd wanted to get done and didn't was making a disk or two of all the pictures we took when Max was living with us. I'd hand picked some, which still totaled nearly 100 pictures, but there were a lot more. Unfortunately, there were technical difficulties. I'll still do it and give it to Barbara who will be able to pass it on.
What it all seems to boil down to is that it was the right decision for us. The only thing that might have been better would have been to do it sooner, like when we'd first met and knew it wasn't right. That would have been better for all of us, probably. Although, my mom pointed out that, by hanging on as long as we did, we've probably cleared ourselves of "What ifs" - What if he was just wiggy about meeting new people when we first met? What if he would have settled into our family given a few months? What if we'd tried homeschooling? What if we'd sent him to school? What if we'd tried medication? What if we'd gone to therapy? What if I'd tried this technique or that technique for parenting troubled kids?
Well, we have our answers to those questions. It still didn't work. We were still a poor match. I hope, really, really hope that he finds what he needs. Good-bye Max.
A (therapist) came over and took Davan to a different room while we cuddled a bit. Then, when A came back, she reminded Max of what was happening. He held onto me and cried. He'd been told the day before what was happening and had helped A write a letter to us. I offered to read him the letter we'd written to him. He wanted that and stopped crying right away and smiling and laughing at the pictures and the memories. He was also his usual fidgety self and moved so quickly past the crying...It wasn't long before he was bored with the pictures and wanted us to all go upstairs so we could play. That was when A took him to see Davan.
They drew a picture together and Davan tells us that Max was acting up and silly, but it was okay because she hadn't expected him to be otherwise.
When they came back up, we gave Max the good-bye cards and things that people had given us to give him. Then it was time for good-bye. A took Davan out of the room so we could say our final good-bye and then get Max into Barbara's car. Max, at this point, was mostly concerned with his snack and juice and sticker. He had no trouble getting into the car. He did look a little hang-dog, but it really felt like it was a "practice" emotion, as A would say - something he felt like he was supposed to feel rather than really did.
Davan really broke down when we were getting him out to the car, great big sobs. It was so sad to see.
Anthony and I mostly felt like we'd let Max and Davan down, but that it was the right decision and we were okay. When we were processing after, we both agreed that Max mostly seemed scared by the future rather than upset about leaving us.
We talked with Davan over the course of the evening about how she was feeling. She said she missed Max and was sad for him. We talked about that she was thinking he was feeling the way she would if she had to leave, but he didn't feel the way she would. We asked if she could undo him moving away, would she? It was a very fast, emphatic no for that one. We hugged her and reassured her that it would never happen to her. We stayed for her gymnastics practice, as she was feeling a little fragile. I also read to her extra long at bed time last night.
This morning, she's been back to normal so far. As I was typing in the last paragraph, Max's case worker and new foster mom showed up to get his things. We loaded up and they were gone in about 15 minutes. Davan helped carry out. Davan and I were hugging when his new foster mom came up to us and gave us both a hug and said, "Don't worry about him. He's going to be okay. Take care of yourselves."
His case worker said, "Okay. Thanks. Take care." And they were off.
Davan and I came back in the house and I said to her, "Kind of awkward, no?"
"Yeah. A stranger hugging us. Weird." Then she was back to enthusiastic play with Ari (her rat).
So, that seems to be that. They only thing I'd wanted to get done and didn't was making a disk or two of all the pictures we took when Max was living with us. I'd hand picked some, which still totaled nearly 100 pictures, but there were a lot more. Unfortunately, there were technical difficulties. I'll still do it and give it to Barbara who will be able to pass it on.
What it all seems to boil down to is that it was the right decision for us. The only thing that might have been better would have been to do it sooner, like when we'd first met and knew it wasn't right. That would have been better for all of us, probably. Although, my mom pointed out that, by hanging on as long as we did, we've probably cleared ourselves of "What ifs" - What if he was just wiggy about meeting new people when we first met? What if he would have settled into our family given a few months? What if we'd tried homeschooling? What if we'd sent him to school? What if we'd tried medication? What if we'd gone to therapy? What if I'd tried this technique or that technique for parenting troubled kids?
Well, we have our answers to those questions. It still didn't work. We were still a poor match. I hope, really, really hope that he finds what he needs. Good-bye Max.
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Comfort from the Dark Side
Barbara stopped by yesterday evening to drop off a few things. She told us how the telling of Max had gone yesterday (he was shocked and sad, but she said it went okay) and a little feedback from the psychologist (the initial word is that Max has frontal lobe problems, which makes processing new information difficult) and generally chit-chatted for a while.
Now, as I think that Barbara is rather a ditz and has a strange filter on how she sees the world, I probably shouldn't let myself be comforted by her. She, though, also told us that A, Max's therapist, says emphatically that we fostered so much growth in Max and that he gained so much from being in our family for a year and a half. That felt good to hear because I think of A as being totally anti us these days.
Barbara said that she understands that we will need to take a break and process, but then, if we want to try again to adopt, she would be happy work work with us. Wow. We totally didn't expect that. However, we, well, Anthony mostly who has put his foot down about this issue, will not be going that route again. Mostly I think he's right, but I'm also sad about it.
Barbara suggested that if we didn't want to try to adopt again that maybe we'd be interested in doing teen foster case, something else we'd been talking about before adopting Max as something we might do when the kids were out of the house. Yeah, well, I guess you never know, but I'm thinking probably not on that, as well.
Anthony said, after Barbara left, that they are just hard up for adoptive and foster parents and that's why she's still willing, but she seemed very genuine about it. She said she felt like we had a lot to offer a child and that it was really just a poor match with Max, which, of course, rings true because that's how I feel!
This morning, I'm working on burning pictures to a disk and I have two pictures to paste into Max's life book. Then I'm done and we'll be off to lunch with Tad-ku (my step dad) and then to the good-bye meeting. I'm a little anxious, but doing okay. Keeping busy is helpful, I guess.
Now, as I think that Barbara is rather a ditz and has a strange filter on how she sees the world, I probably shouldn't let myself be comforted by her. She, though, also told us that A, Max's therapist, says emphatically that we fostered so much growth in Max and that he gained so much from being in our family for a year and a half. That felt good to hear because I think of A as being totally anti us these days.
Barbara said that she understands that we will need to take a break and process, but then, if we want to try again to adopt, she would be happy work work with us. Wow. We totally didn't expect that. However, we, well, Anthony mostly who has put his foot down about this issue, will not be going that route again. Mostly I think he's right, but I'm also sad about it.
Barbara suggested that if we didn't want to try to adopt again that maybe we'd be interested in doing teen foster case, something else we'd been talking about before adopting Max as something we might do when the kids were out of the house. Yeah, well, I guess you never know, but I'm thinking probably not on that, as well.
Anthony said, after Barbara left, that they are just hard up for adoptive and foster parents and that's why she's still willing, but she seemed very genuine about it. She said she felt like we had a lot to offer a child and that it was really just a poor match with Max, which, of course, rings true because that's how I feel!
This morning, I'm working on burning pictures to a disk and I have two pictures to paste into Max's life book. Then I'm done and we'll be off to lunch with Tad-ku (my step dad) and then to the good-bye meeting. I'm a little anxious, but doing okay. Keeping busy is helpful, I guess.
Monday, July 28, 2008
Letter, Take 2
Dear Max/Judea,
We found out that we'd been chosen to be your family on November 28th, 2006. It was just two days after Nicholina's birthday and it was such a great gift. Nicholina, Mom, was so excited to find out that you were going to come and be her little boy. She and Anthony, Dad, had been hoping to be your parents for a long time! Davan was very excited about having a little brother, too, and all three told everyone they knew.
Two weeks later, Anthony and Nicholina got to meet you. We came to see you at the Knowlton's house, were you had lived for more than two years. You gave Anthony a big hug the moment we walked in the door. We'd brought a football, which you loved, and we played catch outside with your new football. It was exciting to get to know each other.
After 10 days of getting to know each other and visits back and forth, you moved in and, as far as we were concerned, became an O'Donnell. We were very happy to be a family of four. There were some rough times, though. You missed your foster brothers and were angry a lot. Sometimes you told us that we'd kidnapped you from the Knowlton's.
Over the next year and a half, we all – you, Anthony, Nicholina and Davan - tried very hard to be a family together. Sometimes we did a good job and sometimes we didn't. We did a lot of fun things together. We went to the park often. We camped and did some hiking. We played a lot of Family Rotational Fun, where everyone got to chose 1-3 things for the family to do all together. We had pizza and movie nights. We played games together. We read books together in the mornings and at bed times, most every day. Sometimes we read more. We played basketball in the driveway. We played a lot of catch. We went to lots of your basketball, soccer and football games. You love sports and do really well at them!
There were some highlights to your year and a half as an O'Donnell, in addition to the everyday sorts of things.
We had our first Christmas together just after you moved in, which was hard because we’d just met and now were having a big holiday together. We were so happy to have you, our new son, with us for Christmas, though. You got a lot of Legos from friends and family. You loved the Legos, but they proved to be a frustration, as well. You were not ready to build them yet, hated it when other people worked on them for you (even though you wanted the finished product) and were very annoyed when they would fall apart when you were playing. We realized other toys would have been better, but you were so new as part of our family that we didn't know!
You also got a bike that first Christmas and it was only a couple of months before you were riding it with no training wheels. One day, Nicholina and you were working on learning to ride and you got it! It was very exciting. Davan took some pictures of you riding, with just a little help getting started from Nicholina. You really enjoyed riding your bike around for fun once you got the hang of it.
You lost four teeth while you were here. The first one was lost at basketball practice. Practice had to be stopped so that we could find your tooth! The forth one was lost at a football game. You picked it up off the grass and ran to the sidelines, yelling, “I lost my tooth! I lost my tooth!” Everyone gasped until Anthony let everyone know it had been loose for a while and then everyone laughed. The tooth fairy brought you a toy each time you left a tooth for her. One of the things she brought you was a Batman grapple hook.
We went to Disneyland twice while we were a family of four. You liked Disneyland well, although the first time we went, the traveling was difficult for you. We were visiting family, too, and you were nervous about staying at other people's houses. Even so, you loved the rides. For you, the roller coasters and the bumper cars were the best. You didn't like the Tower of Terror, though!
After you'd lived with us for a year, we talked with you about maybe changing your name to something other than Judea. You were hesitant, at first, which was understandable. After all, you'd been Judea all your life so far and didn't know what it would be like to be called something else. We were in the middle of a trip to Disneyland when we brought up being called by a new name. You, Anthony, Davan and Nicholina decided to play a game and call each other something new for a day. Dad (Anthony) chose to be called Wally. Nicholina was Jenica and Davan was Jessica for the day. You were Michael Jordan! We had fun playing the game and you decided to give Max a try for a few days after Nicholina suggested it.
For quite a while (months!), you liked being called Max, but still wanted to be called Judea at school, so that's what we did. After a few months, you sometimes said you wanted to be called Judea, but when we offered to, you said we should still call you Max. We were really hoping to go forward with your adoption and planned for it the whole time you lived here. We planned to make both Max and Judea part of your name when you were adopted so you could be called either name as you so choose.
While you lived here, you went to Highland Elementary for some of Kindergarten and all of first grade. Your first grade teacher's name was Mrs. McAllister. You enjoyed school most of the time and were a very bright student. We had homeschooled you for part of Kindergarten, but you really loved going to school, so that's what you did for first grade.
After a year and a half had gone by, things were still very difficult for the four of us as a family, even though we’d all been trying hard. We, along with Barbara (our adoption worker, who also acted as a caseworker for you while you lived with us), Lisa (your caseworker) and Alison (your therapist) finally came to the decision that we were unable to provide you with a safe and happy place to grow up. It was very sad for us to realize this. We really had wanted you to grow up with us. We were very sorry that we'd said we would be your growing up family, but then it had to be otherwise. We really had worked toward adoption the whole time we were a family of four.
When you first moved in, you were angry a lot. After a couple of months, you started hitting Nicholina when you were mad. You looked for reasons to fight. We went to therapy. Nicholina and Anthony read a lot of books to try to figure out how to help. We worked very hard to help you overcome your anger and violence and you worked very hard, too. After a while, the hitting got better. You were still angry often, but not all the time. Things were a little easier for a while, although getting along as a family continued to be a challenge. There was still a lot of anger and hostility. Sometimes Nicholina and Anthony would loose their temper and yell, too. Sometimes we had to wrestle you into your room to give everyone a chance to cool down. It was a hard way for everyone to live.
A little over a year after you moved in, you started being angry most of the time again. You started having trouble with being angry at school. You started trying to hurt Nicholina again sometimes. You were very angry and confused. You told us that you hadn't understood that you were not going to live with the Knowltons forever. You started threatening to run away when you didn't like what was happening at home. Then you did leave out of your bedroom window a few times. Meanwhile, Anthony and Nicholina did not always do a good job of managing their anger, either. It was very difficult for everyone.
We, along with the caseworkers, realized that we were not the best family for you to grow up with. We hope that the family that you do grow up with feels more like a family to you. We hope you understand that your caseworker will do the best job she can of finding you the right family. We know that you have a lot of love and caring in your heart and can do well in a family. You are a really special little boy.
During the good times, of which there were many, you loved to cuddle with Anthony or Nicholina. You always enjoyed a lap to sit on. One of the things you told us you liked best about Nicholina was sitting on her lap, reading a book and hearing about what was planned for the day as you were just getting up in the mornings. We enjoyed cuddling with you, as well.
You and Davan enjoyed playing together sometimes, too. Davan wrote up “Max cards” for you with things for you and her to do together. You would ask her to do Max cards with you. You and she also liked to play the chocolate game where she’d chase you, looking for chocolate to eat (you for pretend) and you’d trick her with things like shoes, telling her they were chocolate. She’d pretend to taste it, say, “Yuck, that’s not chocolate!” and the chase would be on again. You’d just giggle and giggle.
You liked to wrestle and were very happy when Nicholina or Anthony would get down on the floor and wrestle or play “get off the couch” with you. You really liked being tickled, as well, and would invite tickling by laying down, hunching over like you were trying to protect your ticklish spots, giggling and looking at us like you were saying, “What are you waiting for?”
You and Anthony enjoyed playing video games and soccer together. You and Nicholina had fun times with the aerobe (like a Frisbee) at the park together and reading with Nicholina reading to you. You liked that Nicholina made your meals for you, but really loved when we all ate out together.
While you were an O’Donnell, you enjoyed drawing and made some pretty great pictures. You also got interested in paper airplanes when some friends showed you how to do it and made lots of them. And, of course, there was your love of sports and video games throughout!
You also enjoyed both the morning and bedtime finger rhyme Nicholina did with you. The morning one went like this:
There was an old woman who lived in a shoe.
She had so many children, she knew just what to do.
She hugged them and rocked them and tucked them in bed.
I love you, I love you, is what she said.
The evening one went like this:
This little finger was very tired.
This little finger was, too.
This little finger said, “Good night!”
This little finger said, “Me, too.”
The thumb said, “Look out, make some room for me!” and jumped into the bed.
They all cuddled and rocked and rested their sleepy little heads.
We are sad to say good-bye. We think of you all the time and hope that you are doing well. We hope you find a growing up family where you are cherished, safe and happy most of the time.
Love,
Nicholina and Anthony
We found out that we'd been chosen to be your family on November 28th, 2006. It was just two days after Nicholina's birthday and it was such a great gift. Nicholina, Mom, was so excited to find out that you were going to come and be her little boy. She and Anthony, Dad, had been hoping to be your parents for a long time! Davan was very excited about having a little brother, too, and all three told everyone they knew.
Two weeks later, Anthony and Nicholina got to meet you. We came to see you at the Knowlton's house, were you had lived for more than two years. You gave Anthony a big hug the moment we walked in the door. We'd brought a football, which you loved, and we played catch outside with your new football. It was exciting to get to know each other.
After 10 days of getting to know each other and visits back and forth, you moved in and, as far as we were concerned, became an O'Donnell. We were very happy to be a family of four. There were some rough times, though. You missed your foster brothers and were angry a lot. Sometimes you told us that we'd kidnapped you from the Knowlton's.
Over the next year and a half, we all – you, Anthony, Nicholina and Davan - tried very hard to be a family together. Sometimes we did a good job and sometimes we didn't. We did a lot of fun things together. We went to the park often. We camped and did some hiking. We played a lot of Family Rotational Fun, where everyone got to chose 1-3 things for the family to do all together. We had pizza and movie nights. We played games together. We read books together in the mornings and at bed times, most every day. Sometimes we read more. We played basketball in the driveway. We played a lot of catch. We went to lots of your basketball, soccer and football games. You love sports and do really well at them!
There were some highlights to your year and a half as an O'Donnell, in addition to the everyday sorts of things.
We had our first Christmas together just after you moved in, which was hard because we’d just met and now were having a big holiday together. We were so happy to have you, our new son, with us for Christmas, though. You got a lot of Legos from friends and family. You loved the Legos, but they proved to be a frustration, as well. You were not ready to build them yet, hated it when other people worked on them for you (even though you wanted the finished product) and were very annoyed when they would fall apart when you were playing. We realized other toys would have been better, but you were so new as part of our family that we didn't know!
You also got a bike that first Christmas and it was only a couple of months before you were riding it with no training wheels. One day, Nicholina and you were working on learning to ride and you got it! It was very exciting. Davan took some pictures of you riding, with just a little help getting started from Nicholina. You really enjoyed riding your bike around for fun once you got the hang of it.
You lost four teeth while you were here. The first one was lost at basketball practice. Practice had to be stopped so that we could find your tooth! The forth one was lost at a football game. You picked it up off the grass and ran to the sidelines, yelling, “I lost my tooth! I lost my tooth!” Everyone gasped until Anthony let everyone know it had been loose for a while and then everyone laughed. The tooth fairy brought you a toy each time you left a tooth for her. One of the things she brought you was a Batman grapple hook.
We went to Disneyland twice while we were a family of four. You liked Disneyland well, although the first time we went, the traveling was difficult for you. We were visiting family, too, and you were nervous about staying at other people's houses. Even so, you loved the rides. For you, the roller coasters and the bumper cars were the best. You didn't like the Tower of Terror, though!
After you'd lived with us for a year, we talked with you about maybe changing your name to something other than Judea. You were hesitant, at first, which was understandable. After all, you'd been Judea all your life so far and didn't know what it would be like to be called something else. We were in the middle of a trip to Disneyland when we brought up being called by a new name. You, Anthony, Davan and Nicholina decided to play a game and call each other something new for a day. Dad (Anthony) chose to be called Wally. Nicholina was Jenica and Davan was Jessica for the day. You were Michael Jordan! We had fun playing the game and you decided to give Max a try for a few days after Nicholina suggested it.
For quite a while (months!), you liked being called Max, but still wanted to be called Judea at school, so that's what we did. After a few months, you sometimes said you wanted to be called Judea, but when we offered to, you said we should still call you Max. We were really hoping to go forward with your adoption and planned for it the whole time you lived here. We planned to make both Max and Judea part of your name when you were adopted so you could be called either name as you so choose.
While you lived here, you went to Highland Elementary for some of Kindergarten and all of first grade. Your first grade teacher's name was Mrs. McAllister. You enjoyed school most of the time and were a very bright student. We had homeschooled you for part of Kindergarten, but you really loved going to school, so that's what you did for first grade.
After a year and a half had gone by, things were still very difficult for the four of us as a family, even though we’d all been trying hard. We, along with Barbara (our adoption worker, who also acted as a caseworker for you while you lived with us), Lisa (your caseworker) and Alison (your therapist) finally came to the decision that we were unable to provide you with a safe and happy place to grow up. It was very sad for us to realize this. We really had wanted you to grow up with us. We were very sorry that we'd said we would be your growing up family, but then it had to be otherwise. We really had worked toward adoption the whole time we were a family of four.
When you first moved in, you were angry a lot. After a couple of months, you started hitting Nicholina when you were mad. You looked for reasons to fight. We went to therapy. Nicholina and Anthony read a lot of books to try to figure out how to help. We worked very hard to help you overcome your anger and violence and you worked very hard, too. After a while, the hitting got better. You were still angry often, but not all the time. Things were a little easier for a while, although getting along as a family continued to be a challenge. There was still a lot of anger and hostility. Sometimes Nicholina and Anthony would loose their temper and yell, too. Sometimes we had to wrestle you into your room to give everyone a chance to cool down. It was a hard way for everyone to live.
A little over a year after you moved in, you started being angry most of the time again. You started having trouble with being angry at school. You started trying to hurt Nicholina again sometimes. You were very angry and confused. You told us that you hadn't understood that you were not going to live with the Knowltons forever. You started threatening to run away when you didn't like what was happening at home. Then you did leave out of your bedroom window a few times. Meanwhile, Anthony and Nicholina did not always do a good job of managing their anger, either. It was very difficult for everyone.
We, along with the caseworkers, realized that we were not the best family for you to grow up with. We hope that the family that you do grow up with feels more like a family to you. We hope you understand that your caseworker will do the best job she can of finding you the right family. We know that you have a lot of love and caring in your heart and can do well in a family. You are a really special little boy.
During the good times, of which there were many, you loved to cuddle with Anthony or Nicholina. You always enjoyed a lap to sit on. One of the things you told us you liked best about Nicholina was sitting on her lap, reading a book and hearing about what was planned for the day as you were just getting up in the mornings. We enjoyed cuddling with you, as well.
You and Davan enjoyed playing together sometimes, too. Davan wrote up “Max cards” for you with things for you and her to do together. You would ask her to do Max cards with you. You and she also liked to play the chocolate game where she’d chase you, looking for chocolate to eat (you for pretend) and you’d trick her with things like shoes, telling her they were chocolate. She’d pretend to taste it, say, “Yuck, that’s not chocolate!” and the chase would be on again. You’d just giggle and giggle.
You liked to wrestle and were very happy when Nicholina or Anthony would get down on the floor and wrestle or play “get off the couch” with you. You really liked being tickled, as well, and would invite tickling by laying down, hunching over like you were trying to protect your ticklish spots, giggling and looking at us like you were saying, “What are you waiting for?”
You and Anthony enjoyed playing video games and soccer together. You and Nicholina had fun times with the aerobe (like a Frisbee) at the park together and reading with Nicholina reading to you. You liked that Nicholina made your meals for you, but really loved when we all ate out together.
While you were an O’Donnell, you enjoyed drawing and made some pretty great pictures. You also got interested in paper airplanes when some friends showed you how to do it and made lots of them. And, of course, there was your love of sports and video games throughout!
You also enjoyed both the morning and bedtime finger rhyme Nicholina did with you. The morning one went like this:
There was an old woman who lived in a shoe.
She had so many children, she knew just what to do.
She hugged them and rocked them and tucked them in bed.
I love you, I love you, is what she said.
The evening one went like this:
This little finger was very tired.
This little finger was, too.
This little finger said, “Good night!”
This little finger said, “Me, too.”
The thumb said, “Look out, make some room for me!” and jumped into the bed.
They all cuddled and rocked and rested their sleepy little heads.
We are sad to say good-bye. We think of you all the time and hope that you are doing well. We hope you find a growing up family where you are cherished, safe and happy most of the time.
Love,
Nicholina and Anthony
I'm Back
I'm glad to be home after my visit with Chris. We had a great time with a lot of walking and playing cards. And a lot of eating. We also got in a visit with a high school friend and a yoga class that was really good.
While I'm glad to be home, it's also bitter sweet. I was very glad to see Davan and Anthony and be home in time to see Davan's gymnastics routine she'd been working on over the weekend (very Cir 'de Sole-ish), read to her at bedtime and watch an episode of "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" (our current after Davan is in bed indulgence) with Anthony before bed.
However, it's also the day that Max is told that he's not coming back. I have to finish my pages for his life book and get his photo album together. Tomorrow we have to say good-bye. His case worker will be coming to get his belongings on Wednesday. At least, I think she will be. We haven't had a finalization about that or a time set yet. This will all be hard. Today is hard already. Many thanks to my friend and commenter, ami, who will be spending some time with me and her daughter with Davan this afternoon while I work on the life book and photo album.
I've made some changes to the letter and will post it again.
While I'm glad to be home, it's also bitter sweet. I was very glad to see Davan and Anthony and be home in time to see Davan's gymnastics routine she'd been working on over the weekend (very Cir 'de Sole-ish), read to her at bedtime and watch an episode of "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" (our current after Davan is in bed indulgence) with Anthony before bed.
However, it's also the day that Max is told that he's not coming back. I have to finish my pages for his life book and get his photo album together. Tomorrow we have to say good-bye. His case worker will be coming to get his belongings on Wednesday. At least, I think she will be. We haven't had a finalization about that or a time set yet. This will all be hard. Today is hard already. Many thanks to my friend and commenter, ami, who will be spending some time with me and her daughter with Davan this afternoon while I work on the life book and photo album.
I've made some changes to the letter and will post it again.
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
Going Visiting
I'm off today to see my best friend, Chris. Yes, she was just here. Yes, it's only been a couple of months since I last went to see her. We planned two trips close together because she's in Colorado, ostensibly house sitting for her parents (turns out they will be there, rather than traveling, but that's another story), which makes the trip much faster and cheaper.
I have to admit to feeling a little guilty about planning it when we did. I felt like it was maybe too much time away from my family. And Max was still here when it was planned. And Davan kind of freaked out about the last time I left, even though she thinks it's great that I get to visit my friend. However, I won't go again for a while after this....and I made it a bit shorter than I might have if I hadn't been feeling guilty.
I don't leave until this evening and I get back Sunday evening well before bed time.
After Max left, I felt guilty about the timing. We have to plan his move around this trip, in part. Would Davan be okay with me leaving when we'd just had this major disruption?
Well, it seemed she would be. Yesterday afternoon at gymnastics, I was telling a friend how calm and collected she seemed to be about the whole affair. We were speculating about what a difference a calm home life can mean. Gee, what's the difference between this visit and the last one? A lack of a disturbed brother. All felt okay in regards to the trip and I let my guard down to enjoy our last evening together before I go.
Fast forward to about an hour after Davan fell asleep while I was still reading, but very close to turning out the light. She showed up in our room, crying. She'd had a dream that I'd left and not come back. I comforted her, hugged her and she went on back to bed.
She came back about a half an hour later, with me well into trying to sleep myself, crying because she couldn't fall back asleep and kept thinking about me leaving. Now, during the day, I'd have a lot of patience for this. She's going through a rough time right now, after all. And I'm leaving. Temporarily, of course, but still leaving.
At night, though? Well, night time parenting isn't where I shine. I have sleep fixations. I have a hard time falling asleep myself. The hardest thing about her 0-3 years or so was the sleep deprivation. I was always, always tired.
Davan used to sleep with us. She was four when we moved into our new-to-us house and started mostly sleeping in her own room. She still joined us many nights, but not in our bed, as we'd gone down to a double with the move. She'd sleep on a mat on the floor in her sleeping bag. This worked for a while...
Anthony really wanted her in her own room, so we worked on it. She'd go back for a stretch, then have a bad night and come back. That would have been okay - every now and then coming for a night, but one night would lead to the next and the next and it'd be an issue again.
When Max moved in, we finally put our foot down. Davan needed to be in her own room. By this time, she'd been in her own room to sleep the vast majority of the time anyway. Anthony was adamant about Max not getting any ideas about sleeping in our room. I found that when I did sleep in the same room as the kids, I slept very poorly now. I couldn't sleep though the night time breathing, shifting, talking in sleep. Sometimes, though, I think the bonding of all sleeping in our room might have been beneficial. Or maybe it would have driven me completely bonkers - being sleep deprived on top of all the day time behaviors.
Back to last night. Davan is there, crying, "I don't know what to do! What should I do, Mom?" Now, as open as I am to giving advice, whenever I've done so at night like this, no matter how calmly delivered, I get grief, "I can't think about good things! I hate counting! I can't lay still and breath deeply!"
So, last night, at our second encounter, I said, grumpily, "I don't know what you should do, Davan. Whatever I say, you'll tell me you can't do it. I'm sorry you're having a hard time. I hate not being able to sleep. Yes, I'm leaving, but, yes, I'm coming back. Wild horses couldn't keep me away from you. I'd never leave and not come back. Good luck with the sleep."
She left, crying even louder. I temporarily felt badly about this, but, it didn't last. She was asleep very shortly there after and so was I. Sometimes these night time episodes have lasted hours....maybe being grumpy is the way to go. Or maybe I shouldn't make a habit out of it. Whichever.
This morning, Davan just woke up with a smile on her face and, after our morning hug and song, is off to tackle chores. I should join her.
I have to admit to feeling a little guilty about planning it when we did. I felt like it was maybe too much time away from my family. And Max was still here when it was planned. And Davan kind of freaked out about the last time I left, even though she thinks it's great that I get to visit my friend. However, I won't go again for a while after this....and I made it a bit shorter than I might have if I hadn't been feeling guilty.
I don't leave until this evening and I get back Sunday evening well before bed time.
After Max left, I felt guilty about the timing. We have to plan his move around this trip, in part. Would Davan be okay with me leaving when we'd just had this major disruption?
Well, it seemed she would be. Yesterday afternoon at gymnastics, I was telling a friend how calm and collected she seemed to be about the whole affair. We were speculating about what a difference a calm home life can mean. Gee, what's the difference between this visit and the last one? A lack of a disturbed brother. All felt okay in regards to the trip and I let my guard down to enjoy our last evening together before I go.
Fast forward to about an hour after Davan fell asleep while I was still reading, but very close to turning out the light. She showed up in our room, crying. She'd had a dream that I'd left and not come back. I comforted her, hugged her and she went on back to bed.
She came back about a half an hour later, with me well into trying to sleep myself, crying because she couldn't fall back asleep and kept thinking about me leaving. Now, during the day, I'd have a lot of patience for this. She's going through a rough time right now, after all. And I'm leaving. Temporarily, of course, but still leaving.
At night, though? Well, night time parenting isn't where I shine. I have sleep fixations. I have a hard time falling asleep myself. The hardest thing about her 0-3 years or so was the sleep deprivation. I was always, always tired.
Davan used to sleep with us. She was four when we moved into our new-to-us house and started mostly sleeping in her own room. She still joined us many nights, but not in our bed, as we'd gone down to a double with the move. She'd sleep on a mat on the floor in her sleeping bag. This worked for a while...
Anthony really wanted her in her own room, so we worked on it. She'd go back for a stretch, then have a bad night and come back. That would have been okay - every now and then coming for a night, but one night would lead to the next and the next and it'd be an issue again.
When Max moved in, we finally put our foot down. Davan needed to be in her own room. By this time, she'd been in her own room to sleep the vast majority of the time anyway. Anthony was adamant about Max not getting any ideas about sleeping in our room. I found that when I did sleep in the same room as the kids, I slept very poorly now. I couldn't sleep though the night time breathing, shifting, talking in sleep. Sometimes, though, I think the bonding of all sleeping in our room might have been beneficial. Or maybe it would have driven me completely bonkers - being sleep deprived on top of all the day time behaviors.
Back to last night. Davan is there, crying, "I don't know what to do! What should I do, Mom?" Now, as open as I am to giving advice, whenever I've done so at night like this, no matter how calmly delivered, I get grief, "I can't think about good things! I hate counting! I can't lay still and breath deeply!"
So, last night, at our second encounter, I said, grumpily, "I don't know what you should do, Davan. Whatever I say, you'll tell me you can't do it. I'm sorry you're having a hard time. I hate not being able to sleep. Yes, I'm leaving, but, yes, I'm coming back. Wild horses couldn't keep me away from you. I'd never leave and not come back. Good luck with the sleep."
She left, crying even louder. I temporarily felt badly about this, but, it didn't last. She was asleep very shortly there after and so was I. Sometimes these night time episodes have lasted hours....maybe being grumpy is the way to go. Or maybe I shouldn't make a habit out of it. Whichever.
This morning, Davan just woke up with a smile on her face and, after our morning hug and song, is off to tackle chores. I should join her.
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
Letter to Max
Dear Max/Judea, We found out that we'd been chosen to be your family on November 28th, 2006. It was just two days after Nicholina's birthday and it was such a great gift. Nicholina, Mom, was so excited to find out that you were going to come and be her little boy. She and Anthony, Dad, had been hoping to be your parents for a long time! Davan was very excited about having a little brother, too, and all three told everyone they knew. Two weeks later, Anthony and Nicholina got to meet you. We came to see you at the Knowlton's house, were you had lived for more than two years. You gave Anthony a big hug the moment we walked in the door. We'd brought a football, which you loved, and we played catch outside with your new football. It was exciting to get to know each other. After 10 days of getting to know each other and visits back and forth, you moved in and, as far as we were concerned, became an O'Donnell. We were very happy to be a family of four. There were some rough times, though. You missed your foster brothers and were angry a lot. Sometimes you told us that we'd kidnapped you from the Knowlton's. Over the next year and a half, we all tried very hard to be a family together. Sometimes we did a good job and sometimes we didn't. We did a lot of fun things together. We went to the park often. We camped and did some hiking. We played a lot of Family Rotational Fun, where everyone got to chose 1-3 things for the family to do all together. We had pizza and movie nights. We played games together. We read books together in the mornings and at bed times, most every day. Sometimes we read more. We played basketball in the driveway. We played a lot of catch. We went to lots of your basketball, soccer and football games. You love sports and do really well at them! There were some highlights to your year and a half as an O'Donnell, in addition to the everyday sorts of things. We had our first Christmas together just after you moved in. You got a lot of Legos from friends and family. You loved the Legos, but they proved to be a frustration, as well. You were not ready to build them yet, hated it when other people worked on them for you (even though you wanted the finished product) and were very annoyed when they would fall apart when you were playing. We realized other toys would have been better, but you were so new as part of our family that we didn't know! You also got a bike that first Christmas and it was only a couple of months before you were riding it with no training wheels. You really enjoyed riding your bike around for fun once you got the hang of it. You lost four teeth while you were here. The first one was lost at basketball practice. Practice had to be stopped so that we could find your tooth! The forth one was lost at a football game, but ended up in your bite plate, so it wasn't hard to find. We went to Disneyland twice while we were a family of four. You liked Disneyland well, although the first time we went, the traveling was difficult for you. We were visiting family, too, and you were nervous about staying at other people's houses. Even so, you loved the rides. For you, the roller coasters and the bumper cars were the best. You didn't like the Tower of Terror, though! After you'd lived with us for a year, we talked with you about maybe changing your name to something other than Judea. You were hesitant, at first, which was understandable. After all, you'd been Judea all your life so far and didn't know what it would be like to be called something else. We were in the middle of a trip to Disneyland when we brought up being called by a new name. You, Anthony, Davan and Nicholina decided to play a game and call each other something new for a day. Dad (Anthony) chose to be called Wally. Nicholina was Jenica and Davan was Jessica for the day. You were Michale Jordan! We had fun playing the game and you decided to give Max a try for a few days after Nicholina suggested it. For quite a while (months!), you liked being called Max, but still wanted to be called Judea at school, so that's what we did. After a few months, you sometimes said you wanted to be called Judea, but when we offered to, you said we should still call you Max. We were really hoping to go forward with your adoption and planned for it the whole time you lived here. We planned to make both Max and Judea part of your name when you were adopted so you could be called either name as you so choose. While you lived here, you went to Highland Elementary for some of Kindergarten and all of first grade. Your first grade teacher's name was Mrs. McAllister. You enjoyed school most of the time and were a very bright student. We had homeschooled you for part of Kindergarten, but you really loved going to school, so that's what you did for first grade. After a year and a half had gone by, things were still very difficult for the four of us as a family. We, along with Barbara (our case worker), Lise (your case worker) and Alison (your therapist) finally came to the decision that we were unable to provide you with a safe and happy place to grow up. It was very sad for us to realize this. We really had wanted you to grow up with us. We were very sorry that we'd said we would be your growing up family, but then it had to be otherwise. We really had worked toward adoption the whole time we were a family of four. When you first moved in, you were angry a lot. After a couple of months, you started hitting Nicholina when you were mad. You looked for reasons to fight. We went to therapy. Nicholina and Anthony read a lot of books to try to figure out how to help. We worked very hard to help you overcome your anger and violence. After a while, the hitting got better. You were still angry often, but not all the time. Things were a little easier for a while, although getting along as a family continued to be a challenge. There was still a lot of anger and hostility. Sometimes Nicholina and Anthony would loose their temper and yell, too. Sometimes we had to wrestle you into your room to give everyone a chance to cool down. It was a hard way for everyone to live. A little over a year after you moved in, you started being angry most of the time again. You started having trouble with being angry at school. You started trying to hurt Nicholina again sometimes. You were very angry and confused. You told us that you hadn't understood that you were not going to live with the Knowltons forever. You started threatening to run away when you didn't like what was happening at home. Then you did leave out of your bedroom window a few times. We, along with the case workers, realized that we were not the best family for you to grow up with. We hope that the family that you do grow up with feels more like a family to you. We hope you understand that your case worker will do the best job she can of finding you the right family. We know that you have a lot of love and caring in your heart and can do well in a family. You are a really special little boy. We are sad to say good-bye. We think of you all the time and hope that you are doing well. We hope you'll find a growing up family where you are cherished, safe and happy most of the time. |
Canceled!
Gee, I'm so sad to report that Skyhawks canceled flag football camp for next week. I reined in my disappointment, though, and called to get my refund started this morning.
I also spent this morning drafting up a letter to include in Max's life book. I tried to be both positive about him, but realistic about his time here, as well. I'll post it and see if anyone has feedback for me.
I also spent this morning drafting up a letter to include in Max's life book. I tried to be both positive about him, but realistic about his time here, as well. I'll post it and see if anyone has feedback for me.
Monday, July 21, 2008
Weekend Report
I didn't end up actually being sick, even though I had a couple of hours of sneezing, stuffy and sore throat plus being very tired on Friday. I think, mostly, I was just very tired. The last month or so has not been conducive to sleep.
We had a busy weekend with two different parties to attend and a breakfast visit with my parents.
My parents had been out of town for over a month, road tripping up to Alaska in their RV. We'd actually seen my step dad once after they got back, but my mom had to turn around right away and go away for work. So, it was nice to see them.
It was my step dad's birthday weekend, so we had a bit of a special breakfast for him and he opened presents.
After the birthday stuff, we had another memorial for Max. All five of us did some sharing about him our time with him. Davan was missing him and was kind of out of sorts after the memorial. I figure, though, that that just means she needs those opportunities to talk/process.
Davan is going through a bit of a rough time. She's more shy than even usual. She was all hunched up when we went to the first party on Saturday, which was with people Anthony works with. I haven't seen her all hunched like that in quite a while, although she used to do it a lot. I think, in part, she must feel conflicted. She's very glad he's gone...but she misses him...but she didn't want him in the house when he was here...but is he okay...but thank goodness we are not under the stress of Max...but, but, but. It's a lot to deal with for a 10 year old little girl. Especially with hormones kicking in....
While she's shown no body signs of puberty yet, she has started cycling with me. Which sucks because we're both irritable at the same times of the month and we feed off of each other.
We got almost all of Max's stuff packed up. The only things left are a some clothing items that are still working their way through the laundry. Davan found a pair of his socks jammed into the springs of the trampoline just a couple of days ago, for example. It's odd to have all of his stuff in boxes just waiting.
I still need to work on a couple of pages for his life book about his time with us. And I ordered a bunch of pictures from Snapfish that just today got printed finally. When those come, I'll put them in a photo album for him. Davan is working on a memory box for him to remember her by. She also has a scrap book type book she made for him for his adoption finalization (sigh) that can be modified a bit and still given to him.
Today is meeting friends at the park, swimming and my MIL over for dinner.
We had a busy weekend with two different parties to attend and a breakfast visit with my parents.
My parents had been out of town for over a month, road tripping up to Alaska in their RV. We'd actually seen my step dad once after they got back, but my mom had to turn around right away and go away for work. So, it was nice to see them.
It was my step dad's birthday weekend, so we had a bit of a special breakfast for him and he opened presents.
After the birthday stuff, we had another memorial for Max. All five of us did some sharing about him our time with him. Davan was missing him and was kind of out of sorts after the memorial. I figure, though, that that just means she needs those opportunities to talk/process.
Davan is going through a bit of a rough time. She's more shy than even usual. She was all hunched up when we went to the first party on Saturday, which was with people Anthony works with. I haven't seen her all hunched like that in quite a while, although she used to do it a lot. I think, in part, she must feel conflicted. She's very glad he's gone...but she misses him...but she didn't want him in the house when he was here...but is he okay...but thank goodness we are not under the stress of Max...but, but, but. It's a lot to deal with for a 10 year old little girl. Especially with hormones kicking in....
While she's shown no body signs of puberty yet, she has started cycling with me. Which sucks because we're both irritable at the same times of the month and we feed off of each other.
We got almost all of Max's stuff packed up. The only things left are a some clothing items that are still working their way through the laundry. Davan found a pair of his socks jammed into the springs of the trampoline just a couple of days ago, for example. It's odd to have all of his stuff in boxes just waiting.
I still need to work on a couple of pages for his life book about his time with us. And I ordered a bunch of pictures from Snapfish that just today got printed finally. When those come, I'll put them in a photo album for him. Davan is working on a memory box for him to remember her by. She also has a scrap book type book she made for him for his adoption finalization (sigh) that can be modified a bit and still given to him.
Today is meeting friends at the park, swimming and my MIL over for dinner.
Friday, July 18, 2008
Spoke with Barbara
Barbara and I touched base this morning. We have a schedule for a good-bye meeting. 2:00 on Tuesday the 29th at Kinship House (where he has therapy). Anthony and I will meet with him first, then Davan will join us so she can say good-bye, too. Max will have been told by Barbara and A (his therapist) the day before.
His case worker will come get him on Wednesday. I don't know when, but she'll come by and get his stuff from us that day, as well.
I've been working on some of his packing. I've got most of his clothes packed and have been working on making sure I get all of his laundry done. There are still the toys to pack, but it won't take long. It's a sad process, though, and hard to spend too much time on it at once.
I'll have to decide which of his paper things (school work, drawing and such) to keep for him and which to recycle. We've already set aside some. Some of his art work will stay on our wall in the toy room where we display anything the kids want to. Some, though, he'll want, like a "Book of Me" he did in kindergarten before he moved in.
I'll want to have it all done before going to visit Chris next week, rather than having it hang over my head to do when I get back.
The good-byes will be difficult. While he didn't have what was a very healthy attachment to us, he did have an attachment. I don't like being the cause of more suffering for him. It'll be harder on Anthony and Davan than me, though, because they are both more conflicted about the disruption, I think. Neither wants him back, but both are doing some grieving.
Meanwhile, I feel like I'm coming down with a cold. Bummer. I'm thinking of putting in some time in Max's room and then laying down with a book for the afternoon. Maybe I'll send Anthony out to pick up some take out, even. That sounds luxurious and lovely.
His case worker will come get him on Wednesday. I don't know when, but she'll come by and get his stuff from us that day, as well.
I've been working on some of his packing. I've got most of his clothes packed and have been working on making sure I get all of his laundry done. There are still the toys to pack, but it won't take long. It's a sad process, though, and hard to spend too much time on it at once.
I'll have to decide which of his paper things (school work, drawing and such) to keep for him and which to recycle. We've already set aside some. Some of his art work will stay on our wall in the toy room where we display anything the kids want to. Some, though, he'll want, like a "Book of Me" he did in kindergarten before he moved in.
I'll want to have it all done before going to visit Chris next week, rather than having it hang over my head to do when I get back.
The good-byes will be difficult. While he didn't have what was a very healthy attachment to us, he did have an attachment. I don't like being the cause of more suffering for him. It'll be harder on Anthony and Davan than me, though, because they are both more conflicted about the disruption, I think. Neither wants him back, but both are doing some grieving.
Meanwhile, I feel like I'm coming down with a cold. Bummer. I'm thinking of putting in some time in Max's room and then laying down with a book for the afternoon. Maybe I'll send Anthony out to pick up some take out, even. That sounds luxurious and lovely.
Thursday, July 17, 2008
Money, Money, Money
I'm feeling a bit of concern over finances this week. It's not that we're near to destitute or anything. It's more that we were hoping to do a largish project like a deck or some sort of wood-type floors in the main part of the house (thanks in large part to cats peeing where they should not - thanks, cats). But, money is just kind of drifting away.
First, we had IRS troubles this year. We still got a refund, but they owed us more. They asked for a form that we seem to have forgotten to send in the first time. We sent it, but then they wrote again, saying that, because they hadn't received the form, they were just going to make the refund as they figured it without said form. What the heck? We'd sent it in right away. So, we called them and said, "Hey! We did send it!" They said, "Well, we don't have record of it. Send it again." So we did. The latest is that they sent us a letter saying that the investigation into this matter is pending and we need not do anything more. Great. We'd be happy to not do anything more if they'd give us our money - a significant amount, or we wouldn't be bothering with it all.
Then there is the small matter of no longer being reimbursed for the expenses associated with Max's adoption. When you adopt through the state, they pay your expenses. As the adoption did not finalize, no reimbursement for us. We went into this whole thing with the best of intentions, but we don't begrudge this money. It's just that it would have been nice to have.
Next, still associated with Max, is his camps. We'd signed him up for 5 different weeks of Skyhawks sports camps. So far, none of them have gone through. We did get refunds for those two camps, but there are three more. I called today to pull him out. They have a no refund policy, but they'd be glad to credit my account. That does me basically no good, as they aren't camps that Davan would do. Although, Davan did say that she'd maybe do the baseball one if we couldn't get a refund. Now I'm hoping that the rest of the camps won't go through, either, and I'll still be able to get a refund.
Even without those camps, though, we've dropped a bundle on camps for Max this summer already. More than I would have spent under any other circumstance because I think kids should be fine at home and doing family-type activities most of the time.
Davan, meanwhile, has moved up to team for gymnastics. This is great for her, not so great for the pocketbook. My parents were generous in helping out by buying her team leotard for her. But, we also have an increase in monthly tuition and, next month, team fees to pay plus warm ups, gym bag and a sweat shirt to buy. Yikes! Team fees, just so you know, will cost us the same as tuition. They cover meet fees and coach fees/travel for the meets.
And now? The stuff gets stolen off of the bike. Davan and I walked over to Joe's (a local sporting goods store) this morning and got new helmets and goggles. Only because we found them on clearance did my price estimate pan out on those items. Just for helmets and goggles, I dropped $60.
Davan is saying she'll buy her own replacement for her Sigg water bottle, but I don't even know if she has the money to do it right now. I feel horrible for her to have to at a price tag of nearly $30 a pop.
Then, of course, we're still expected to pay our bills and there is food to buy and all of that jazz. Like I said, though, we're far from destitute, but our projects may have to wait a longer. Like until Davan is done with gymnastics! That's one expensive sport! LOL
First, we had IRS troubles this year. We still got a refund, but they owed us more. They asked for a form that we seem to have forgotten to send in the first time. We sent it, but then they wrote again, saying that, because they hadn't received the form, they were just going to make the refund as they figured it without said form. What the heck? We'd sent it in right away. So, we called them and said, "Hey! We did send it!" They said, "Well, we don't have record of it. Send it again." So we did. The latest is that they sent us a letter saying that the investigation into this matter is pending and we need not do anything more. Great. We'd be happy to not do anything more if they'd give us our money - a significant amount, or we wouldn't be bothering with it all.
Then there is the small matter of no longer being reimbursed for the expenses associated with Max's adoption. When you adopt through the state, they pay your expenses. As the adoption did not finalize, no reimbursement for us. We went into this whole thing with the best of intentions, but we don't begrudge this money. It's just that it would have been nice to have.
Next, still associated with Max, is his camps. We'd signed him up for 5 different weeks of Skyhawks sports camps. So far, none of them have gone through. We did get refunds for those two camps, but there are three more. I called today to pull him out. They have a no refund policy, but they'd be glad to credit my account. That does me basically no good, as they aren't camps that Davan would do. Although, Davan did say that she'd maybe do the baseball one if we couldn't get a refund. Now I'm hoping that the rest of the camps won't go through, either, and I'll still be able to get a refund.
Even without those camps, though, we've dropped a bundle on camps for Max this summer already. More than I would have spent under any other circumstance because I think kids should be fine at home and doing family-type activities most of the time.
Davan, meanwhile, has moved up to team for gymnastics. This is great for her, not so great for the pocketbook. My parents were generous in helping out by buying her team leotard for her. But, we also have an increase in monthly tuition and, next month, team fees to pay plus warm ups, gym bag and a sweat shirt to buy. Yikes! Team fees, just so you know, will cost us the same as tuition. They cover meet fees and coach fees/travel for the meets.
And now? The stuff gets stolen off of the bike. Davan and I walked over to Joe's (a local sporting goods store) this morning and got new helmets and goggles. Only because we found them on clearance did my price estimate pan out on those items. Just for helmets and goggles, I dropped $60.
Davan is saying she'll buy her own replacement for her Sigg water bottle, but I don't even know if she has the money to do it right now. I feel horrible for her to have to at a price tag of nearly $30 a pop.
Then, of course, we're still expected to pay our bills and there is food to buy and all of that jazz. Like I said, though, we're far from destitute, but our projects may have to wait a longer. Like until Davan is done with gymnastics! That's one expensive sport! LOL
Thinking About Max
I still have to say that I primarily feel relieved that Max isn't here anymore. Whew.
I do, however, wonder about him and hope he's doing well. I'd kind of like to call over to where he's staying and see how he's doing, but I'm not sure it's appropriate. Plus, well, if he's doing badly, what good would it do to know that?
Still, I wonder. Has he found a way to play with the younger kids? Is he doing something other than watching TV all day? Has he convinced L (the foster mom there) that he doesn't eat any fruits or veggies as it seemed like he was working on that first day? Did she get him vanilla soy milk and is he drinking it? Does that family do anything outside of the home that's fun?
I want to know the results of the psychiatric evaluation that was done. They usually don't come out for a while, but when they do, I want to know. Will I? I don't know.
I'll want to know how he's doing with his new foster family in Eugene, too, but I don't know if I'll know that, either. I'll want to know if he's adopted and how that's going.
But. I'm willing to give all that up for not having to be his mom anymore. Really and truly. No question.
Even with the steeling of the panniers yesterday. Even with Anthony being kind of sad. Even with Davan being emotional. Even with all of that, our house is peaceful, while still being active. We're all pretty nice to each other (even though Anthony was kind of mad about the latest in bike stuff theft and I was kind of mad back at him for being mad at me). Every one helps out in accordance with their age, ability and time spent at home, which is all I ever wanted in respect to that. No one is violent. No one is looking to pick fights. No one is running away. No one is threatening to kill me. Everyone is happy to spend time with each other. Plus many other small things, that all add up to a greatly increased quality of life.
The relief is huge. It was a year and a half of living the other way. I'm very lucky to have my family and that we all love each other and get along (most of the time, of course). We'd hoped that we could bring another person into that fold, but it didn't happen. Instead, we were in danger of loosing what we loved about each other. It's the right choice.
But, still, I wonder.
I do, however, wonder about him and hope he's doing well. I'd kind of like to call over to where he's staying and see how he's doing, but I'm not sure it's appropriate. Plus, well, if he's doing badly, what good would it do to know that?
Still, I wonder. Has he found a way to play with the younger kids? Is he doing something other than watching TV all day? Has he convinced L (the foster mom there) that he doesn't eat any fruits or veggies as it seemed like he was working on that first day? Did she get him vanilla soy milk and is he drinking it? Does that family do anything outside of the home that's fun?
I want to know the results of the psychiatric evaluation that was done. They usually don't come out for a while, but when they do, I want to know. Will I? I don't know.
I'll want to know how he's doing with his new foster family in Eugene, too, but I don't know if I'll know that, either. I'll want to know if he's adopted and how that's going.
But. I'm willing to give all that up for not having to be his mom anymore. Really and truly. No question.
Even with the steeling of the panniers yesterday. Even with Anthony being kind of sad. Even with Davan being emotional. Even with all of that, our house is peaceful, while still being active. We're all pretty nice to each other (even though Anthony was kind of mad about the latest in bike stuff theft and I was kind of mad back at him for being mad at me). Every one helps out in accordance with their age, ability and time spent at home, which is all I ever wanted in respect to that. No one is violent. No one is looking to pick fights. No one is running away. No one is threatening to kill me. Everyone is happy to spend time with each other. Plus many other small things, that all add up to a greatly increased quality of life.
The relief is huge. It was a year and a half of living the other way. I'm very lucky to have my family and that we all love each other and get along (most of the time, of course). We'd hoped that we could bring another person into that fold, but it didn't happen. Instead, we were in danger of loosing what we loved about each other. It's the right choice.
But, still, I wonder.
Replacement
I'm figuring that, between the goggles ($20 min for two pairs), the helmets ($40), Davan's Sigg water bottle ($29), the Performance water bottle ($5) and assorted hair care/shower stuff ($15+), we're looking at over $100 in replacement costs without even getting new panniers. And that's with just writing off our swim suits (luckily, we were both wearing older ones), the swim bag itself (we'll use another bag we already own), the two towels (we can probably make due without them), the locker lock (which we don't use at our current pool), and the extra bike lock that were in there.
Then there are the panniers themselves...
This pretty much sucks.
Then there are the panniers themselves...
This pretty much sucks.
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
All Right, All Right
Not all people suck. For instance, we had a very nice swim with our friend, Zoe, today.
I like Davan and Anthony pretty well. You know. Most of the time. (joking)
My mom and step dad are good people.
We've got lots of friends who are stand up sorts of folks.
But some people still suck.
I like Davan and Anthony pretty well. You know. Most of the time. (joking)
My mom and step dad are good people.
We've got lots of friends who are stand up sorts of folks.
But some people still suck.
People Suck
I have not had the best luck with bikes and stuff on them staying where I put them, as long time readers will know. Our tandem bike was stolen from outside of Winco one day while my daughter and I were shopping for, literally, about 8 minutes. In addition to the bike being gone, our helmets, a bike light and various other attached items were gone, as well. On other occasions, I've had numerous water bottles stolen, a couple of bike lights and...well, that might be it up until today, but it's enough, no?
Today, at the library, Davan and I came out to find that our panniers had been stolen. Crap. In one of them was our bag of swim stuff (we'd just finished swimming with a friend) - a suit each, two towels, shampoo, conditioner, body wash, hair gel, pony tail holders, deodorant, lotion, not to mention the bag it's all in - and, in the other, our helmets, a spare lock (which didn't have a key with it, so that's completely useless to the thief), and two water bottles, one of which was a Sig that Davan had purchased for herself.
And there we were, with an arm load of books from the library with no good way to get them home. A police officer was walking back and forth, patrolling the front of the library. She was nice enough, but there wasn't anything she could do. She did get a bag from the library for us, which made it possible to get our books home.
I'm fairly sure I know who did the deed, too. A man and woman came up on bikes just as we did. The man had a basket for his rack, which had their books in it. When we came out, the basket was laying there by the bike racks. I think they found something better. I'm so angry.
Why can't people leave stuff alone that isn't their's? Why do they want someone else's water bottles? Why couldn't they have at least emptied them out before taking them? There wasn't anything in there that would be of value to them, but it's important to us.
People suck.
Today, at the library, Davan and I came out to find that our panniers had been stolen. Crap. In one of them was our bag of swim stuff (we'd just finished swimming with a friend) - a suit each, two towels, shampoo, conditioner, body wash, hair gel, pony tail holders, deodorant, lotion, not to mention the bag it's all in - and, in the other, our helmets, a spare lock (which didn't have a key with it, so that's completely useless to the thief), and two water bottles, one of which was a Sig that Davan had purchased for herself.
And there we were, with an arm load of books from the library with no good way to get them home. A police officer was walking back and forth, patrolling the front of the library. She was nice enough, but there wasn't anything she could do. She did get a bag from the library for us, which made it possible to get our books home.
I'm fairly sure I know who did the deed, too. A man and woman came up on bikes just as we did. The man had a basket for his rack, which had their books in it. When we came out, the basket was laying there by the bike racks. I think they found something better. I'm so angry.
Why can't people leave stuff alone that isn't their's? Why do they want someone else's water bottles? Why couldn't they have at least emptied them out before taking them? There wasn't anything in there that would be of value to them, but it's important to us.
People suck.
Issues to Deal With
Davan has taken the disruption in stride. She's had some times where she's cried and some times where she's been just very matter of fact about it. We've been working on keeping the lines of communication about it all open. I've reassured her many times that she will never leave the family. I've explained that Max has a sort of sickness that doesn't let him attach properly to people and that is a big part of why he couldn't live here with us. I've explained that she could never get that sickness. She has soaked up the reassurances and been open with her feelings.
Yesterday evening, though, she was teary. She couldn't say why. She said she just felt very anxious. I gave some suggestions about what might be causing it. She's not worried about having to leave the family. She doesn't miss Max. She, is though, worried about Anthony's and my stress. I don't feel awfully stressed, though. I feel a lot less stressed than I did when Max was still here.
She said that she feels like, because Anthony is sad about Max leaving, that he loves her less.
I feel like, if that's her concern, she probably is worried about us loving her and, at least subconsciously, is worried about being kicked out, as well.
She was teary again this morning and a little overwhelming with deep eye gazing in a rather needy way. I know I need to be patient and reassuring with her. And I am. But, I'll be glad when she and Anthony have worked through these strong initial feelings, although I know we'll all be dealing with backlash for a long time to come.
Yesterday evening, though, she was teary. She couldn't say why. She said she just felt very anxious. I gave some suggestions about what might be causing it. She's not worried about having to leave the family. She doesn't miss Max. She, is though, worried about Anthony's and my stress. I don't feel awfully stressed, though. I feel a lot less stressed than I did when Max was still here.
She said that she feels like, because Anthony is sad about Max leaving, that he loves her less.
I feel like, if that's her concern, she probably is worried about us loving her and, at least subconsciously, is worried about being kicked out, as well.
She was teary again this morning and a little overwhelming with deep eye gazing in a rather needy way. I know I need to be patient and reassuring with her. And I am. But, I'll be glad when she and Anthony have worked through these strong initial feelings, although I know we'll all be dealing with backlash for a long time to come.
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
Telling People
The main issue of the day seems to have been telling people. Of course, those who know us best already know. However, there are lots of people that we interact with who aren't up on the whole story.
First, though, before the telling people I took Max to his psychiatric evaluation this morning. Barbara was going to do it, but had a dentist appointment she'd forgotten about. So, I picked him up from the foster family where he is staying and took him.
Let me say here a few things about the foster family. A very nice seeming lady in maybe her 60s is the foster mom. There is no dad in the home. The other kids are two 2 year olds and a 4 year old. Max is not thrilled about being there. Although, he did get pizza for dinner last night and get to watch TV in a marathon from being dropped off yesterday until I picked him up this morning, minus sleeping time. I could wish for a better "resting" place for him, but I don't get to say and another move probably isn't in his best interest. I just hope that he says calm there for all their sakes.
Max was his usual sort of self for going and testing. I think he'll come out of this assessment with a RAD diagnosis of some level. Why? I just got those vibes from the psychiatrist. Plus, A, his therapist, didn't want him to go see this guy. She wanted him to see another guy. I'm thinking this is because this guy diagnosis RAD, which she doesn't like.
I must say that I was so happy that I was able to just walk away, rather than take him back home. Barbara did come during the assessment and took him back to the foster family.
I picked Davan up from Denny's where she'd been hanging out with my step dad and off we went, after a quick stop at home for lunch, to book group, where there were many people to tell. I sort of don't want to, but people will eventually ask where he is. Although, for now, most would assume he's in camp. But, getting it over with seemed best.
Everyone reacted in an understanding and sympathetic manor. It took me a little by surprise, given stories I've heard from other people who've disrupted. I think one person maybe thought we'd messed up by doing so, but he just stayed quiet, rather than comment.
My mom also told my extended family on her side and all were very supportive.
I can't tell you how good it feels for the majority of our friends, family and acquaintances to not be judgmental.
Anthony is still sad. He still feels like he let Max down by not being a good enough dad for him. He thinks we made the right choice, but he feels like it was his lack of ability to be a good parent that was the reason for it, I think. I'm being as supportive as I can. I understand that he needs to work through all of this and grieve.
He, also, understands, though, that I've already done a lot of grieving and am feeling mostly relief. It's still difficult, though, to be feeling some opposite feelings about the same matter.
First, though, before the telling people I took Max to his psychiatric evaluation this morning. Barbara was going to do it, but had a dentist appointment she'd forgotten about. So, I picked him up from the foster family where he is staying and took him.
Let me say here a few things about the foster family. A very nice seeming lady in maybe her 60s is the foster mom. There is no dad in the home. The other kids are two 2 year olds and a 4 year old. Max is not thrilled about being there. Although, he did get pizza for dinner last night and get to watch TV in a marathon from being dropped off yesterday until I picked him up this morning, minus sleeping time. I could wish for a better "resting" place for him, but I don't get to say and another move probably isn't in his best interest. I just hope that he says calm there for all their sakes.
Max was his usual sort of self for going and testing. I think he'll come out of this assessment with a RAD diagnosis of some level. Why? I just got those vibes from the psychiatrist. Plus, A, his therapist, didn't want him to go see this guy. She wanted him to see another guy. I'm thinking this is because this guy diagnosis RAD, which she doesn't like.
I must say that I was so happy that I was able to just walk away, rather than take him back home. Barbara did come during the assessment and took him back to the foster family.
I picked Davan up from Denny's where she'd been hanging out with my step dad and off we went, after a quick stop at home for lunch, to book group, where there were many people to tell. I sort of don't want to, but people will eventually ask where he is. Although, for now, most would assume he's in camp. But, getting it over with seemed best.
Everyone reacted in an understanding and sympathetic manor. It took me a little by surprise, given stories I've heard from other people who've disrupted. I think one person maybe thought we'd messed up by doing so, but he just stayed quiet, rather than comment.
My mom also told my extended family on her side and all were very supportive.
I can't tell you how good it feels for the majority of our friends, family and acquaintances to not be judgmental.
Anthony is still sad. He still feels like he let Max down by not being a good enough dad for him. He thinks we made the right choice, but he feels like it was his lack of ability to be a good parent that was the reason for it, I think. I'm being as supportive as I can. I understand that he needs to work through all of this and grieve.
He, also, understands, though, that I've already done a lot of grieving and am feeling mostly relief. It's still difficult, though, to be feeling some opposite feelings about the same matter.
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