It's late and I wish I were sleeping, but, once again, there are too many thoughts running through my head.
Max got picked up at 2:20 and we were pretty frazzled by then. Max chose to spend his last time here playing video games while the rest of us played card games. He was invited, but chose not to join in.
It was hard. He was nervous about going, saying he wanted to stay here with Mom and Dad. He was somewhat resistant, but went without a huge fuss. It was hard to go through, though, especially for Anthony.
We did have a little memorial type ceremony. I talked a lot. Anthony talked quite a bit. Davan talked a little. Davan cried some in the beginning, but Anthony surprised me by crying while we were all cuddling after. I've only ever seen him cry one other time.
After a while, we decided to go for a hike together, which was a good thing to do. Anthony had a hard time all day. He was thinking about Max, hoping he was okay, that he liked what was for dinner, that he'd be able to sleep well tonight. He's a good man. He feels badly, though, like he should have done more, been more patient, been super human.
I was surprisingly okay most of the day, post Max leaving. However, come evening, I started to feel badly. I feel like we've pawned our kid off on someone else. I still feel like it's the right decision, but I'm feeling guilt and a sense of responsibility. It's odd to just not be responsible for this child anymore. A relief, but it goes against my sense of parenthood.
Max was a champion button pusher and a champion at being unhappy. It's okay that we were overwhelmed by him and unable to cope. But it doesn't feel good. He's still just a little boy, who is no more to blame for all of this than anyone else. That doesn't mean that I'm not grateful that we were able to stop the adoption and that we'll have a more normal life with more normal problems, once we've come through the other side.
I wish him and us peace, safety and happiness.
Monday, July 14, 2008
Churn, Churn, Churn
My stomach, that is. I had a hard time with breakfast and suspect a hard time will be had with lunch, as well. Lunch is fast approaching and then Barbara will be here to pick Max up. I hope she's on time. I don't know if everyone's nerves can take her being late today.
bottoms partially because they keep Anthony stayed home today. We got up and did chores (except Max, who played video games and complained about Anthony not playing with him), got Max almost all packed up (out of the pile of clothes he made on the floor from emptying out his dresser last night), ate breakfast, went to Target to fill his prescription, pick up some pj bottoms for him (he's short on summer pjs mostly because they keep disappearing - go figure - but we didn't want to send him without and look worse than we already will for sending him in the first place) and give him a chance to spend more of his birthday money. Once back home, Anthony and Max built the Lego kit that was purchased and are now playing video games.
Max seems to be his more or less usual self - sometimes angry, sometimes pestering, sometimes anxious to go to his "take a break" home, sometimes seeing what he can get away with and sometimes saying things like, "You're the best dad ever!" Max does say this sort of thing, when he's happy with us, i.e. Anthony is going to play a video game with him or I announce that we're eating out. He's usually very extreme in his emotions - he either thinks we're the best or the worst. It's hard to hear today, though. Anthony told me he thinks he will cry. I don't know if I will. Maybe. Probably.
We are going to have a ceremony of some sort after Max leaves today. Sort of a memorial for the three of us. I'm thinking of having another this weekend for us plus my parents. And perhaps a third later this evening for just Anthony and I.
bottoms partially because they keep Anthony stayed home today. We got up and did chores (except Max, who played video games and complained about Anthony not playing with him), got Max almost all packed up (out of the pile of clothes he made on the floor from emptying out his dresser last night), ate breakfast, went to Target to fill his prescription, pick up some pj bottoms for him (he's short on summer pjs mostly because they keep disappearing - go figure - but we didn't want to send him without and look worse than we already will for sending him in the first place) and give him a chance to spend more of his birthday money. Once back home, Anthony and Max built the Lego kit that was purchased and are now playing video games.
Max seems to be his more or less usual self - sometimes angry, sometimes pestering, sometimes anxious to go to his "take a break" home, sometimes seeing what he can get away with and sometimes saying things like, "You're the best dad ever!" Max does say this sort of thing, when he's happy with us, i.e. Anthony is going to play a video game with him or I announce that we're eating out. He's usually very extreme in his emotions - he either thinks we're the best or the worst. It's hard to hear today, though. Anthony told me he thinks he will cry. I don't know if I will. Maybe. Probably.
We are going to have a ceremony of some sort after Max leaves today. Sort of a memorial for the three of us. I'm thinking of having another this weekend for us plus my parents. And perhaps a third later this evening for just Anthony and I.
Sunday, July 13, 2008
Can't Sleep
I'm sure it'll come as no surprise to anyone that I'm having trouble sleeping tonight. I imagine it won't be my last sleepless night, either, but it's been a long time since I've really slept well. Last night, at the Girl Scout sleep away, was no exception, of course. So, I'm really tired. But, I keep thinking about tomorrow. And the next day. And all week.
I'm thinking about the best thing to do after Max goes tomorrow afternoon. I'm thinking a little ceremony between Anthony, Davan and I might be the best thing. A little remembrance of our time, giving permission to talk about the good and the bad and the in-between, a way to be together. I'm also thinking about just a simple way to be together - a short and easy hike, maybe? I don't know, but it doesn't feel right to just leave it to chance or to all go our separate ways as if it's a normal day. Not that we all go our separate ways on normal days, either, at least not all the time, but still.
But still.
I'm thinking about the best thing to do after Max goes tomorrow afternoon. I'm thinking a little ceremony between Anthony, Davan and I might be the best thing. A little remembrance of our time, giving permission to talk about the good and the bad and the in-between, a way to be together. I'm also thinking about just a simple way to be together - a short and easy hike, maybe? I don't know, but it doesn't feel right to just leave it to chance or to all go our separate ways as if it's a normal day. Not that we all go our separate ways on normal days, either, at least not all the time, but still.
But still.
The Plan - Really
I did find out on Friday what the final plan was for Max moving. However, there are still some details that will be worked out this week.
Barbara was able, after all, to find a place for Max to go temporarily, without us having to pay $50/day for respite. He is going Monday - tomorrow - afternoon. Anthony is coming home early and having lunch with us and to be here when Max goes.
The plan was for us to tell him that, because things have been so difficult for us as a family, we're going to take a break for a little while. We did just tell him that. We explained that it wasn't because he was bad or stupid (both things he says about himself), but because we were having troubles being safe and happy as a family.
He took it...interestingly. He says he doesn't want to go, but almost seemed more excited about having "chicken" nuggets and tator tots for lunch tomorrow than upset about going. He kind of whined a bit and looked like he was trying to work himself up to crying, but it just wasn't coming.
I think he's mostly nervous about going to a new family that he hasn't met before. He mentioned two other families we know, saying he'd want to go to one, but not to the other.
He then went to brush his teeth and Anthony is reading to him. He cried a bit because we told him that he could either have a light on or a book on tape (neither of which he's had for over a month now at bedtime), but not both because there is only one plug. He chose a book on tape. It is still light out, after all.
I feel...I don't know. I was really worried about telling him, but it went as well as could be expected.
Next, he'll have his evaluation on Tuesday, which Barbara will take him to. I'll be there, as well, because they need me to do some forms, which is standard for children doing physiological evaluations.
Sometime after that - Tuesday afternoon, Wednesday, I don't know for sure - his therapist, A, and Barbara will tell him that he isn't going to come back here. The day after that, we'll have a good bye meeting with him. At some point, Davan will also have a good bye meeting with him, which may or may not happen at our house.
Once the good byes are done, his case worker from Lane County will come and get his stuff from us (with a van, supposedly) and pick him up to take him down to a waiting foster family. The foster family is one that his case worker has found for him and is a very experienced foster family where they hope he'll do well. This will probably happen by the end of the week.
So, there are still some questions, but the main structure is in place. I know there is hurt in his future. The good bye meeting will be painful. At least for Anthony and I and, of course for him, even if he doesn't show it. I don't know how he'll be about it. His and Davan's good bye meeting will be painful, as well. It'll be a tough week for all.
I hope Max will be safe and happy in his life. Or, at least safe. He may not be capable of true happiness. But, I hope I'm wrong about that.
Barbara was able, after all, to find a place for Max to go temporarily, without us having to pay $50/day for respite. He is going Monday - tomorrow - afternoon. Anthony is coming home early and having lunch with us and to be here when Max goes.
The plan was for us to tell him that, because things have been so difficult for us as a family, we're going to take a break for a little while. We did just tell him that. We explained that it wasn't because he was bad or stupid (both things he says about himself), but because we were having troubles being safe and happy as a family.
He took it...interestingly. He says he doesn't want to go, but almost seemed more excited about having "chicken" nuggets and tator tots for lunch tomorrow than upset about going. He kind of whined a bit and looked like he was trying to work himself up to crying, but it just wasn't coming.
I think he's mostly nervous about going to a new family that he hasn't met before. He mentioned two other families we know, saying he'd want to go to one, but not to the other.
He then went to brush his teeth and Anthony is reading to him. He cried a bit because we told him that he could either have a light on or a book on tape (neither of which he's had for over a month now at bedtime), but not both because there is only one plug. He chose a book on tape. It is still light out, after all.
I feel...I don't know. I was really worried about telling him, but it went as well as could be expected.
Next, he'll have his evaluation on Tuesday, which Barbara will take him to. I'll be there, as well, because they need me to do some forms, which is standard for children doing physiological evaluations.
Sometime after that - Tuesday afternoon, Wednesday, I don't know for sure - his therapist, A, and Barbara will tell him that he isn't going to come back here. The day after that, we'll have a good bye meeting with him. At some point, Davan will also have a good bye meeting with him, which may or may not happen at our house.
Once the good byes are done, his case worker from Lane County will come and get his stuff from us (with a van, supposedly) and pick him up to take him down to a waiting foster family. The foster family is one that his case worker has found for him and is a very experienced foster family where they hope he'll do well. This will probably happen by the end of the week.
So, there are still some questions, but the main structure is in place. I know there is hurt in his future. The good bye meeting will be painful. At least for Anthony and I and, of course for him, even if he doesn't show it. I don't know how he'll be about it. His and Davan's good bye meeting will be painful, as well. It'll be a tough week for all.
I hope Max will be safe and happy in his life. Or, at least safe. He may not be capable of true happiness. But, I hope I'm wrong about that.
Friday, July 11, 2008
The Plan Take 7498 (or so)
I talked to Barbara and expressed my concerns about the whole respite deal. She had new news which did effect how I felt about respite.
Max's case worker has found a foster family for him. She found one that would be ready in about a week and another, that is, apparently, going to happen, early next week. So, the respite (and our being still the responsible party) would be quite limited. We were willing to do this.
So, we called up the respite family who told us it would be $50 a day, starting with today when he'd be dropped off around 7:00pm. Yeah. That's a little out of our budget, which is already strained due to camp and such.
We called Barbara back and said, "We're happy to do this if you come up with the funds." She did not think that was feasible. Whatever.
This was sort of crushing because I thought we were going to be all done today. And now we won't be. However, it does look like Max will move on early next week.
And why? Because his case worker picked up the ball and ran with it while Barbara was still standing around, not making things happen.
So, Max will be here with Anthony over the weekend, playing lots of video games. Then, either Monday or Tuesday morning, I'm still taking him to be evaluated. Then he leaves. Directly from here to foster care. Or, at least, that's the plan of the moment.
How will that look? I have no idea. Barbara seems to think it'll by her, Max's case worker and us telling Max here at our house, after which Max's case worker will take Max back to Lane County and settle him in with his new foster family.
I'm wondering...how will we pack him up without his knowing? How will his case worker get his stuff down there? He has a bike, for one. It's not going to fit into a car with him and the rest of his stuff.
There are lots of unanswered questions at this point, including exactly what early next week means.
Max's case worker has found a foster family for him. She found one that would be ready in about a week and another, that is, apparently, going to happen, early next week. So, the respite (and our being still the responsible party) would be quite limited. We were willing to do this.
So, we called up the respite family who told us it would be $50 a day, starting with today when he'd be dropped off around 7:00pm. Yeah. That's a little out of our budget, which is already strained due to camp and such.
We called Barbara back and said, "We're happy to do this if you come up with the funds." She did not think that was feasible. Whatever.
This was sort of crushing because I thought we were going to be all done today. And now we won't be. However, it does look like Max will move on early next week.
And why? Because his case worker picked up the ball and ran with it while Barbara was still standing around, not making things happen.
So, Max will be here with Anthony over the weekend, playing lots of video games. Then, either Monday or Tuesday morning, I'm still taking him to be evaluated. Then he leaves. Directly from here to foster care. Or, at least, that's the plan of the moment.
How will that look? I have no idea. Barbara seems to think it'll by her, Max's case worker and us telling Max here at our house, after which Max's case worker will take Max back to Lane County and settle him in with his new foster family.
I'm wondering...how will we pack him up without his knowing? How will his case worker get his stuff down there? He has a bike, for one. It's not going to fit into a car with him and the rest of his stuff.
There are lots of unanswered questions at this point, including exactly what early next week means.
Other Stuff
As I was driving Davan home from gymnastics today, I was thinking about how I hadn't posted about anything other than the disruption, really. I did talk about Chris' visit some, but mostly in the context of the disruption. Then I came home to the message from Barbara and, again, posted about the disruption.
Davan is doing well in gymnastics. She looks forward to going again, doesn't get worked up if I'm going to drop her off and feels like she is mostly doing well. And she is - especially on bars. She's almost kipping, which is amazing for a new level 4.
She and I are going on a Girl Scout trip to the beach this weekend. I'm looking forward to it! Well, mostly, when I'm not worked up about the logistics of the disruption, but there I am again, talking about IT. The moms and girls that are going are all great people and it'll be fun. I still have to pack, but as it's only for one night, that should not be a problem to get done. Although, I do have some food to pack, also, and that might need a little thought.
Anthony has been riding up a storm on his bike. He rode four hours today. Okay, so it was only supposed to be about three, but he got lost. Still, he's logging some amazing miles and it makes me think I need to have more agressive exercise goals. I want to be in shape, too!
Our cats are wandering around, doing cat like things such as eating, puking, howling, snuggling, constantly wanting in and out.
You know. Life. It's still going on.
Davan is doing well in gymnastics. She looks forward to going again, doesn't get worked up if I'm going to drop her off and feels like she is mostly doing well. And she is - especially on bars. She's almost kipping, which is amazing for a new level 4.
She and I are going on a Girl Scout trip to the beach this weekend. I'm looking forward to it! Well, mostly, when I'm not worked up about the logistics of the disruption, but there I am again, talking about IT. The moms and girls that are going are all great people and it'll be fun. I still have to pack, but as it's only for one night, that should not be a problem to get done. Although, I do have some food to pack, also, and that might need a little thought.
Anthony has been riding up a storm on his bike. He rode four hours today. Okay, so it was only supposed to be about three, but he got lost. Still, he's logging some amazing miles and it makes me think I need to have more agressive exercise goals. I want to be in shape, too!
Our cats are wandering around, doing cat like things such as eating, puking, howling, snuggling, constantly wanting in and out.
You know. Life. It's still going on.
The "Plan"
Now I'm even more aggravated. Barbara called and left a message, saying that she has a plan in place. What's the plan? For us to pay for respite care. We have to call the respite family and negotiate with them for respite care. WTF?!?!?!
He's supposed to be going to a foster care family! Even when the plan was "respite" that was just a polite name for a temporary foster care placement. That's what we decided at the meeting. This is not a temporary respite from our family. This is him moving on.
How long are we supposed to be paying for respite!?!?!?! How long will he still really be our responsibility!?!?!?!
I'm so angry and upset. As we never finalized, I could just dump him on their doorstep, but instead, I'm suppose to now organize respite care for him!?!?!?!?!?
I feel like calling her back and saying, "Just come get him. We're done." But, that's not in his best interests. However, if there is much more of this BS, we might have to do that. Give them a kick in the pants to get things going. Because it's not in his best interests to stay here, either.
He's supposed to be going to a foster care family! Even when the plan was "respite" that was just a polite name for a temporary foster care placement. That's what we decided at the meeting. This is not a temporary respite from our family. This is him moving on.
How long are we supposed to be paying for respite!?!?!?! How long will he still really be our responsibility!?!?!?!
I'm so angry and upset. As we never finalized, I could just dump him on their doorstep, but instead, I'm suppose to now organize respite care for him!?!?!?!?!?
I feel like calling her back and saying, "Just come get him. We're done." But, that's not in his best interests. However, if there is much more of this BS, we might have to do that. Give them a kick in the pants to get things going. Because it's not in his best interests to stay here, either.
Frustrations Galore
We're having more Barbara moments. Arg! That woman drives me absolutely nuts! This morning, she calls and asks if we can get him to a psychological evaluation either on Monday or Tuesday morning.
Yes, but what about a placement for him? Tuesday is two weeks from when we had our meeting and two weeks was how long they were thinking he'd be in respite care so a foster family could be found.
She's done nothing - NOTHING! - to find him a foster family. She wanted to wait for the results of the evaluation to know what we're dealing with here. So he was supposed to just hang out in respite for months while the appointment was made and the results came back?!?!?! Really!?!?!?
Well, he can't hang out here that long. It just won't work. We're all pretty done here. Things are escalating - the basketball attack, for example - and we're in a "we're done" mind set. Things here aren't pretty. In addition, we're spending $175 every week he's here for camp and after care.
We were willing to do all this because we thought we were buying him time to move directly to a foster family instead of having to go through respite first. But, apparently nothing has been done to make that happen. So, now, we're talking respite anyway.
Barbara was even saying he needed to go to Lane County - his county of origin - which we'd discussed at the meeting and it was decided that they'd see about getting him into foster care locally so he could keep working with A, his therapist. Now, I don't know if that's best for him. Maybe he should go to Lane County. His half sister is down there, for one. For another, I don't know that continuing to work with A is in his best interests. However, it was what was decided at the meeting and Barbara didn't remember that until I reminded her.
She said that it was very emotional at the meeting and she's not surprised that different people came out of it with different ideas about what would happen next. I'm pretty sure she's the only one with different ideas. I'm willing to bet that the rest of us understood just fine. Anthony and I did kind of change our minds about if respite was best for him after, but we still understood and remembered the results of the meeting. Unlike Barbara, apparently. Arg!
Yes, but what about a placement for him? Tuesday is two weeks from when we had our meeting and two weeks was how long they were thinking he'd be in respite care so a foster family could be found.
She's done nothing - NOTHING! - to find him a foster family. She wanted to wait for the results of the evaluation to know what we're dealing with here. So he was supposed to just hang out in respite for months while the appointment was made and the results came back?!?!?! Really!?!?!?
Well, he can't hang out here that long. It just won't work. We're all pretty done here. Things are escalating - the basketball attack, for example - and we're in a "we're done" mind set. Things here aren't pretty. In addition, we're spending $175 every week he's here for camp and after care.
We were willing to do all this because we thought we were buying him time to move directly to a foster family instead of having to go through respite first. But, apparently nothing has been done to make that happen. So, now, we're talking respite anyway.
Barbara was even saying he needed to go to Lane County - his county of origin - which we'd discussed at the meeting and it was decided that they'd see about getting him into foster care locally so he could keep working with A, his therapist. Now, I don't know if that's best for him. Maybe he should go to Lane County. His half sister is down there, for one. For another, I don't know that continuing to work with A is in his best interests. However, it was what was decided at the meeting and Barbara didn't remember that until I reminded her.
She said that it was very emotional at the meeting and she's not surprised that different people came out of it with different ideas about what would happen next. I'm pretty sure she's the only one with different ideas. I'm willing to bet that the rest of us understood just fine. Anthony and I did kind of change our minds about if respite was best for him after, but we still understood and remembered the results of the meeting. Unlike Barbara, apparently. Arg!
Thursday, July 10, 2008
And Back to Regularly Scheduled Programming
As of this morning, I had decided to even drop the simple morning chores that Max has in an effort to reduce friction and stress. After all, the long run doesn't matter anymore. Even so, we had a very rough morning. Max was looking for arguments and control battles all morning.
He started with, "I'm really dry, still!" He'd lotioned last night when he got home from camp and again after his shower.
I said, "Okay. I'll get your lotion for you and you can lotion before you put your clothes on."
I came back in the room and he had his shorts on already. I said, "Hey, you were going to lotion because you're dry, remember?"
"I'm not going to lotion! I'm not dry! I won't do it!"
And, yeah, I probably should have left it at that and not had him lotion. However, he's been so, so dry and it's not healthy looking. And he did look ashy in places this morning still. So I told him he needed to do it.
Instead, he took off his pj top and put on his shirt for the day, then stood there, looking at me defiantly. And, yeah. The battle lines were drawn. I went over to help him out of his shirt to lotion and he refused to co-operate, so I backed off to do other things.
He went to eat breakfast and I said, "First the lotion."
Screaming. Throwing things. Told me, "You're not the right mom for me!"
I then did help him out of his shirt, which he didn't like, but put up with, lotioned him up and went back to my business. He got his shirt back on, then threatened to throw the banana I'd put out for him to start breakfast with. When I totally ignored that, he ate it.
He calmed down while eating breakfast and I asked him about the not the right mom comment. He said he hadn't heard it anywhere, that he'd just thought it. Interesting. He also, though, said that it wasn't true and that he just can't control himself when he is angry.
He didn't like his cereal because the almond milk wasn't cold enough. So, I said he could dump it in the sink if he liked. He did, but put it in the wrong side. Innocent mistake? Not on your life. Then there was a whole issue with cleaning it up, during which he told me he just wanted to go to camp right now! That had worked yesterday, after all.
When that was sorted out, he started saying that he didn't want to go to camp at all and did he have to? He's been fighting with another boy there - like pushing down and fists sort of fighting. I said he did. I mean, really, with him in the mood he was in, we couldn't spend the day together. Someone would get hurt. I didn't tell him that, just said he did have to go to camp.
He was pissed about having to do go, so he yelled and slammed the kitchen door (Davan was still sleeping and this was also not an accident), then crashed into something else. I went and brought him back into the kitchen with his shoes, sat him down and told him to put his shoes on right there because he was being too loud. He crawled away. I escorted him to the garage and said, "Okay, if you don't want to sit in the house and put on your shoes, you can put them on here."
When I went out a minute later to take him to camp, he was sitting there, with his basketball in his hands, waiting for me. As soon as I opened the door, he threw the ball at my legs. It hit me right in the knee, which is still sore.
I yelled, "Oh, you did not just do that!" and went back into the house to calm down. I went back not even a full minute later to get him to camp. He was running off down the driveway and onto the sidewalk (to run away, I presume), but stopped when I came out. I got him off to camp, came home, called Anthony to tell him he would be picking Max up from camp again, then left a message for Barbara, letting her know what was going on.
After she was here last night and the kids were playing together and all, I was, frankly, worried that she'd put moving him on her back burner.
He started with, "I'm really dry, still!" He'd lotioned last night when he got home from camp and again after his shower.
I said, "Okay. I'll get your lotion for you and you can lotion before you put your clothes on."
I came back in the room and he had his shorts on already. I said, "Hey, you were going to lotion because you're dry, remember?"
"I'm not going to lotion! I'm not dry! I won't do it!"
And, yeah, I probably should have left it at that and not had him lotion. However, he's been so, so dry and it's not healthy looking. And he did look ashy in places this morning still. So I told him he needed to do it.
Instead, he took off his pj top and put on his shirt for the day, then stood there, looking at me defiantly. And, yeah. The battle lines were drawn. I went over to help him out of his shirt to lotion and he refused to co-operate, so I backed off to do other things.
He went to eat breakfast and I said, "First the lotion."
Screaming. Throwing things. Told me, "You're not the right mom for me!"
I then did help him out of his shirt, which he didn't like, but put up with, lotioned him up and went back to my business. He got his shirt back on, then threatened to throw the banana I'd put out for him to start breakfast with. When I totally ignored that, he ate it.
He calmed down while eating breakfast and I asked him about the not the right mom comment. He said he hadn't heard it anywhere, that he'd just thought it. Interesting. He also, though, said that it wasn't true and that he just can't control himself when he is angry.
He didn't like his cereal because the almond milk wasn't cold enough. So, I said he could dump it in the sink if he liked. He did, but put it in the wrong side. Innocent mistake? Not on your life. Then there was a whole issue with cleaning it up, during which he told me he just wanted to go to camp right now! That had worked yesterday, after all.
When that was sorted out, he started saying that he didn't want to go to camp at all and did he have to? He's been fighting with another boy there - like pushing down and fists sort of fighting. I said he did. I mean, really, with him in the mood he was in, we couldn't spend the day together. Someone would get hurt. I didn't tell him that, just said he did have to go to camp.
He was pissed about having to do go, so he yelled and slammed the kitchen door (Davan was still sleeping and this was also not an accident), then crashed into something else. I went and brought him back into the kitchen with his shoes, sat him down and told him to put his shoes on right there because he was being too loud. He crawled away. I escorted him to the garage and said, "Okay, if you don't want to sit in the house and put on your shoes, you can put them on here."
When I went out a minute later to take him to camp, he was sitting there, with his basketball in his hands, waiting for me. As soon as I opened the door, he threw the ball at my legs. It hit me right in the knee, which is still sore.
I yelled, "Oh, you did not just do that!" and went back into the house to calm down. I went back not even a full minute later to get him to camp. He was running off down the driveway and onto the sidewalk (to run away, I presume), but stopped when I came out. I got him off to camp, came home, called Anthony to tell him he would be picking Max up from camp again, then left a message for Barbara, letting her know what was going on.
After she was here last night and the kids were playing together and all, I was, frankly, worried that she'd put moving him on her back burner.
Wednesday, July 09, 2008
The Best Evening in a Long Time
Barbara came over after dinner this evening. Well, it turned out to be after dinner, hair cut and shower, as well.
Max had a great evening. The only troublesome dinner behaviors were attempts to monopolize the conversation and some table pounding. Hair cut and shower went pretty well, even though he had to shower a second time due to not getting the hair from the haircut off of himself the first time. He finished putting on pjs just as Barbara showed up.
While Barbara was here, he showed her some art work he'd done at camp the week before last, then he and Davan played for a while (that hasn't been happening lately at all!). He ate a piece of watermelon, brushed his teeth and lotioned his hair. All without complaining or fit throwing or attempts to go out the window or threats.
Then he played video games for about 10 minutes before it was bed time.
If all our evenings were like that, or even most of them, we wouldn't be disrupting. I told Anthony that it makes us look like freaks. But, oh well. Does it really matter if we look like freaks? It'll all be over soon. I hope.
Max had a great evening. The only troublesome dinner behaviors were attempts to monopolize the conversation and some table pounding. Hair cut and shower went pretty well, even though he had to shower a second time due to not getting the hair from the haircut off of himself the first time. He finished putting on pjs just as Barbara showed up.
While Barbara was here, he showed her some art work he'd done at camp the week before last, then he and Davan played for a while (that hasn't been happening lately at all!). He ate a piece of watermelon, brushed his teeth and lotioned his hair. All without complaining or fit throwing or attempts to go out the window or threats.
Then he played video games for about 10 minutes before it was bed time.
If all our evenings were like that, or even most of them, we wouldn't be disrupting. I told Anthony that it makes us look like freaks. But, oh well. Does it really matter if we look like freaks? It'll all be over soon. I hope.
Yup, Indeed
Barbara thought that Max was with Stephanie's family. This is how kids get lost in the system, perhaps...
She'd totally spaced out that we'd decided (together) that he wasn't going there because, two reasons, 1 - they can't have him there over this weekend or next, so he'd have to move about for those weekends, 2 - if he stays here, that minimizes the moves.
So, finding him a foster family is now back at the top of her to-do list. And she wants to see Max this afternoon because she never did see him last month due to things like not trying to schedule it until the last minute and running into his birthday and then the day he tried to run away for the second time.
Well. Our part in this drama will be drawing to a close. I hope soon. It'd actually be great for him to be settled over the weekend. Although, it'll need to happen before Davan and I leave or that would be really weird, I think. So, maybe early next week if the ball isn't rolling soon here.
She'd totally spaced out that we'd decided (together) that he wasn't going there because, two reasons, 1 - they can't have him there over this weekend or next, so he'd have to move about for those weekends, 2 - if he stays here, that minimizes the moves.
So, finding him a foster family is now back at the top of her to-do list. And she wants to see Max this afternoon because she never did see him last month due to things like not trying to schedule it until the last minute and running into his birthday and then the day he tried to run away for the second time.
Well. Our part in this drama will be drawing to a close. I hope soon. It'd actually be great for him to be settled over the weekend. Although, it'll need to happen before Davan and I leave or that would be really weird, I think. So, maybe early next week if the ball isn't rolling soon here.
Dealing With Barbara Again
Arg! For long time readers, you will remember how difficult it was to get things done with Barbara during the homestudy/looking for kids portion of the adoption proceedings. Well, now, we're getting to deal with her again.
I don't know how this woman makes it through the day. Honestly. She's a very nice lady, although a little hard to get a read on sometimes, but she just doesn't track information information from one discussion to the next. Nor do her notes make sense to her most of the time, if she's taken them. Last week, she and I discussed and decided that Max would stay with us for these two weeks-ish, giving them time to find a foster family where Max can stay. This way, he doesn't have to be moved around any more than necessary.
However, I hadn't heard from Barbara at all this week, so I called and left a message this morning to see where things are. She called back and left a message talking about getting evaluations set up for Max and various things, then says, "And I wanted to know how Max is doing with (Stephanie's family) and how you all are doing."
Ummm. Yeah. Max is here, remember? So, I called back and left a message saying, "As we decided last week, Max is here until you can find him a foster family where he can stay while a new adoptive family is recruited. So, we're wondering how that process is going. We're trying to give everyone lots of breaks. Max spent the night with (Stephanie's family) Saturday and he's in day camp all week this week, but we're still encountering issues, including Max threatening to go out the window after bedtime, which is concerning."
I also told her that with my previously planned trip coming up at the end of the month, we would like to see Max settled by then. So, we'll see. But, it's very aggravating that here we are, dealing with Barbara again, and this time for such an unhappy purpose with a real need for it all to be done.
I don't know how this woman makes it through the day. Honestly. She's a very nice lady, although a little hard to get a read on sometimes, but she just doesn't track information information from one discussion to the next. Nor do her notes make sense to her most of the time, if she's taken them. Last week, she and I discussed and decided that Max would stay with us for these two weeks-ish, giving them time to find a foster family where Max can stay. This way, he doesn't have to be moved around any more than necessary.
However, I hadn't heard from Barbara at all this week, so I called and left a message this morning to see where things are. She called back and left a message talking about getting evaluations set up for Max and various things, then says, "And I wanted to know how Max is doing with (Stephanie's family) and how you all are doing."
Ummm. Yeah. Max is here, remember? So, I called back and left a message saying, "As we decided last week, Max is here until you can find him a foster family where he can stay while a new adoptive family is recruited. So, we're wondering how that process is going. We're trying to give everyone lots of breaks. Max spent the night with (Stephanie's family) Saturday and he's in day camp all week this week, but we're still encountering issues, including Max threatening to go out the window after bedtime, which is concerning."
I also told her that with my previously planned trip coming up at the end of the month, we would like to see Max settled by then. So, we'll see. But, it's very aggravating that here we are, dealing with Barbara again, and this time for such an unhappy purpose with a real need for it all to be done.
Life Goes On
My best friend, Chris, was here for a long weekend. We, as we always do, had a great visit. In spite of everything that is going on. We played a lot of Canasta, went on a lot of walks, ate more junk than we maybe should have, also ate lots of salads, talked and laughed a lot. She left early this morning and I miss her.
I won't miss her for too long, though, as our next scheduled visit is two weeks from today. This is because she's in Colorado, at her parents' house right now, for house sitting purposes. We planned two trips close together to take advantage of the shorter and cheaper flights that being in Colorado provide, rather than all the way in Pittsburgh.
The upcoming trip provides a deadline of sorts for getting Max settled. When I leave on the trip, it'll be just over three weeks after our meeting, where it was guessed that two weeks would be enough to find a transitional foster home for Max. By transitional foster home, I mean where he'll transition from our house to a new adoptive house. At least, that is the plan. However, if they don't find a good place for him by then, they may have to find a temporary place, as was the original plan before we said he could/should stay here for those couple of weeks while they find a new place.
Anyway, we do want there to be a definite end in sight. Things aren't pretty. It's not that were pretty before, either, but now that we've decided, we are rather ready to be done. We've had some more rough times.
Max spent the night Saturday night with Stephanie and family again, which provided a break for all. He is in camp, complete with after camp care, this week, so that he doesn't come home until Anthony does. This is not an overly cheap option, though, camp with after care, so while we'll do it this week and next, if necessary, it's not how we'd be raising our own child.
Even with all of this, we're having rough times. Max and Anthony had a go at it at bed time last night with Max saying he didn't want to be in bed, even though he got in bed a half an hour later than he should have. Max kept getting up and there were issues. Before all of that, Max had told me he was going to go out the window at bed time when I was getting him to get his stuff ready for camp for today. He didn't go out the window, but he does have a pattern of threatening for a while and then actually doing the thing, so it's a concern.
This morning, he was passive aggressively not helping with morning chores. He put away two clean dishes while I cleaned an entire bathroom and while Davan tended to the guest bed, sorted laundry and started a new load. Then he announced that he didn't want breakfast, he just wanted to go to camp. So I took him.
Luckily for him, he actually had a decent lunch packed for today. Monday, when he came home with a good portion of his lunch left and tails of eating other kids' chips and not being hungry, I suggested he pack his own lunch, as he'd know what he wanted to eat. He did not have a big lunch yesterday...Today, though, was bigger and a better lunch. I'm sure he'll be hungry by dinner with no breakfast, but he'll get through okay.
Chris made a few interesting observations while she was here. One was that we seemed to have two "families." One is the family of Anthony, Davan and myself. The other is more of a group of people than a family and it's what we are when Max is around. Anthony and I battling Max for control of the family while Davan is shunted off to the side. I do see this and we've tried hard to avoid it, but, obviously, aren't able to.
Two weeks. And then we'll have to start dealing with after effects, but we'll be able to start recuperating.
I won't miss her for too long, though, as our next scheduled visit is two weeks from today. This is because she's in Colorado, at her parents' house right now, for house sitting purposes. We planned two trips close together to take advantage of the shorter and cheaper flights that being in Colorado provide, rather than all the way in Pittsburgh.
The upcoming trip provides a deadline of sorts for getting Max settled. When I leave on the trip, it'll be just over three weeks after our meeting, where it was guessed that two weeks would be enough to find a transitional foster home for Max. By transitional foster home, I mean where he'll transition from our house to a new adoptive house. At least, that is the plan. However, if they don't find a good place for him by then, they may have to find a temporary place, as was the original plan before we said he could/should stay here for those couple of weeks while they find a new place.
Anyway, we do want there to be a definite end in sight. Things aren't pretty. It's not that were pretty before, either, but now that we've decided, we are rather ready to be done. We've had some more rough times.
Max spent the night Saturday night with Stephanie and family again, which provided a break for all. He is in camp, complete with after camp care, this week, so that he doesn't come home until Anthony does. This is not an overly cheap option, though, camp with after care, so while we'll do it this week and next, if necessary, it's not how we'd be raising our own child.
Even with all of this, we're having rough times. Max and Anthony had a go at it at bed time last night with Max saying he didn't want to be in bed, even though he got in bed a half an hour later than he should have. Max kept getting up and there were issues. Before all of that, Max had told me he was going to go out the window at bed time when I was getting him to get his stuff ready for camp for today. He didn't go out the window, but he does have a pattern of threatening for a while and then actually doing the thing, so it's a concern.
This morning, he was passive aggressively not helping with morning chores. He put away two clean dishes while I cleaned an entire bathroom and while Davan tended to the guest bed, sorted laundry and started a new load. Then he announced that he didn't want breakfast, he just wanted to go to camp. So I took him.
Luckily for him, he actually had a decent lunch packed for today. Monday, when he came home with a good portion of his lunch left and tails of eating other kids' chips and not being hungry, I suggested he pack his own lunch, as he'd know what he wanted to eat. He did not have a big lunch yesterday...Today, though, was bigger and a better lunch. I'm sure he'll be hungry by dinner with no breakfast, but he'll get through okay.
Chris made a few interesting observations while she was here. One was that we seemed to have two "families." One is the family of Anthony, Davan and myself. The other is more of a group of people than a family and it's what we are when Max is around. Anthony and I battling Max for control of the family while Davan is shunted off to the side. I do see this and we've tried hard to avoid it, but, obviously, aren't able to.
Two weeks. And then we'll have to start dealing with after effects, but we'll be able to start recuperating.
Friday, July 04, 2008
Happy 4th of July!
So far, we've had a chocolate chip pancake breakfast and taken to the kids to slide and jump on some blow up things at one of the local fireworks stands. And, of course, we've had complaining, fit throwing, screaming and pouting, even though there were no chores this morning due to the holiday and Max did get to get in some video game time in addition to the above mentioned activities.
My best friend comes in this evening and I'm so excited to see her! Even with everything else going on and even if I'm stressed all weekend about what's happening with Max, we'll have a good visit and my stress levels will go down because she's around, not up because of having company. This is why we didn't cancel. I'm so looking forward to picking her up!
When Chris and I get back from the airport, we'll do some inexpensive (I don't believe in spending much on them) but pleantyful fireworks in front of the house. The kids will have a late night and, hopefully, will sleep in tomorrow.
We all, except Anthony who went on an early morning 50 mile bike ride, slept in this morning, which was good with the late night coming up.
We have come up with a rough game plan for the upcoming week for Max. He'll be here for fireworks tonight and breakfast with the family tomorrow. Then he's probably going to spend the night with friends tomorrow night.
He wants to do the spending the night thing, even though he also says he feels like we're sending him away because he's bad. Frankly, because of his self esteem issues, I think he'd think that anyway. He thinks we're letting him play video games more because we don't want to spend time with him because we don't like him. That's the first thing that comes into his mind, rather than, "Hey! Great! I get to play video games!" We tried to talk it out with him this morning, but it didn't go well and we finally gave up, after which he became clingy, where, while we were trying to connect with him, he was trying to get away from us. Yeah.
I know that going to school for him, even, was a double edged sword. After all, it meant I didn't want to homeschool him and spend the time with him. But, then, he did get to go to school, which he wanted. Most things are like this.
Then, next week, I'm going to sign him up for day camp again. He wasn't supposed to have camp next week and he was supposed to have one more week of swim lessons, but we'll just ditch the lessons. He liked camp at MHCC, which is where he'll go again, and it probably feels less like being sent away than being shipped off to other houses. I may even spring for the after care so he can be picked up by Anthony after work rather than having that rough hour when he first gets home, all wound up, and Anthony isn't home yet.
It's not that he is just fine when Anthony is here, because that's not the case. It's just that the extremes of aggression toward me and the behaviors like running away don't happen when Anthony is home - at least not yet.
Meanwhile, hopefully, our case worker will be working on a new placement for him. Of course, she doesn't work on Mondays, so we'll see where things are come Tuesday. And, it's possible that Alison will have talked her out of having him just stay here, but I kind of doubt it. After all, it's less work for her if he stays here rather than having to find him a temporary place to be.
My best friend comes in this evening and I'm so excited to see her! Even with everything else going on and even if I'm stressed all weekend about what's happening with Max, we'll have a good visit and my stress levels will go down because she's around, not up because of having company. This is why we didn't cancel. I'm so looking forward to picking her up!
When Chris and I get back from the airport, we'll do some inexpensive (I don't believe in spending much on them) but pleantyful fireworks in front of the house. The kids will have a late night and, hopefully, will sleep in tomorrow.
We all, except Anthony who went on an early morning 50 mile bike ride, slept in this morning, which was good with the late night coming up.
We have come up with a rough game plan for the upcoming week for Max. He'll be here for fireworks tonight and breakfast with the family tomorrow. Then he's probably going to spend the night with friends tomorrow night.
He wants to do the spending the night thing, even though he also says he feels like we're sending him away because he's bad. Frankly, because of his self esteem issues, I think he'd think that anyway. He thinks we're letting him play video games more because we don't want to spend time with him because we don't like him. That's the first thing that comes into his mind, rather than, "Hey! Great! I get to play video games!" We tried to talk it out with him this morning, but it didn't go well and we finally gave up, after which he became clingy, where, while we were trying to connect with him, he was trying to get away from us. Yeah.
I know that going to school for him, even, was a double edged sword. After all, it meant I didn't want to homeschool him and spend the time with him. But, then, he did get to go to school, which he wanted. Most things are like this.
Then, next week, I'm going to sign him up for day camp again. He wasn't supposed to have camp next week and he was supposed to have one more week of swim lessons, but we'll just ditch the lessons. He liked camp at MHCC, which is where he'll go again, and it probably feels less like being sent away than being shipped off to other houses. I may even spring for the after care so he can be picked up by Anthony after work rather than having that rough hour when he first gets home, all wound up, and Anthony isn't home yet.
It's not that he is just fine when Anthony is here, because that's not the case. It's just that the extremes of aggression toward me and the behaviors like running away don't happen when Anthony is home - at least not yet.
Meanwhile, hopefully, our case worker will be working on a new placement for him. Of course, she doesn't work on Mondays, so we'll see where things are come Tuesday. And, it's possible that Alison will have talked her out of having him just stay here, but I kind of doubt it. After all, it's less work for her if he stays here rather than having to find him a temporary place to be.
Thursday, July 03, 2008
More Changes
First off, let me say that we are firm in our decision. We are definitely not Max's growing up family, as sad as that is for all involved.
However. As I started thinking more about him going to another house for two weeks (and possibly having to break that up even further into weekend respite, causing yet another move), I started realizing how counter-intuitive that plan in. Is yet another move really in his best interests?
This is his therapist's brain child. And I can kind of see her point. It would give him some cooling off time if he was comfortable there, before we had a final good-bye. However. I can't help but think that it'll all feel the same to him and feel like people were lying to him. So, from his perspective, the move would still be pretty close to his birthday, which was also one of the goals.
So, here we are. He needs a new home. He needs a skilled foster home to help him make a new start before moving on to adoption. A, his therapist, is advocating an additional move. We think he should stay here until the foster family is found. Well, more or less here. We'll be counting on help from friends to see that he and we get regular breaks to help keep the tensions down. And it looks like it'll be our plan that will happen, but we'll also be picking up early next week with the planning, so things are subject to change.
I spoke with Barbara this afternoon for something like the 7th time today and came away feeling aggravated and frustrated. She said that A told her that, at his therapy appointment today, Max was very down on himself. He kept saying that he is stupid and that his birth mom doesn't still have him because she hates him. Well, yeah. He's been telling us that all along. We've tried to clear that up, but to no avail, apparently. We've told them repeatedly that he has self esteem issues. A has told me that the reason I don't like him is because he doesn't like himself and it's very difficult to like someone who doesn't like themselves. So, this is a known problem. It's not new, folks! And, yet, A is saying that it has to do with our decision to disrupt and the tensions at home. Okay, then.
Barbara now thinks that part of the problem with him not taking to the placement is that he wasn't adequately prepared for the move. Gee, ya think? We've been saying that all along. So, she wants to do therapeutic work with him over the next couple of weeks to help him understand his past and why the moves happened. She thinks this is tied in with the self-esteem issues, as well. Well, of course. Also, of course, we've gone over and over his history with him - the whys of the moves and all. Maybe it'll take from someone else. Although, we did have his case worker come all the way from Eugene to sit down and talk with him about all that at the beginning of the placement and that, obviously didn't take.
I guess I still resent that the idea is that the problems are all now sprouting up because of our decision to disrupt or that we we didn't know that he had these questions and issues.
But, I just need to take deep breaths and tell myself that anything they can do to help is still good, even if it's too late for us as a family. Anything they can do is good for Max. And we know we did what we could. We know we saw this as far as we could. We know how hard we worked at it. No one but us really knows what it's like to try to really parent him, so of course they don't understand. Even his foster mom doesn't really know what it's like to parent him because she was much more of a care taker than a parent.
I hope he gets what he needs and is able to find healing and peace. Whatever it is that he may need, even though we weren't able to find it.
However. As I started thinking more about him going to another house for two weeks (and possibly having to break that up even further into weekend respite, causing yet another move), I started realizing how counter-intuitive that plan in. Is yet another move really in his best interests?
This is his therapist's brain child. And I can kind of see her point. It would give him some cooling off time if he was comfortable there, before we had a final good-bye. However. I can't help but think that it'll all feel the same to him and feel like people were lying to him. So, from his perspective, the move would still be pretty close to his birthday, which was also one of the goals.
So, here we are. He needs a new home. He needs a skilled foster home to help him make a new start before moving on to adoption. A, his therapist, is advocating an additional move. We think he should stay here until the foster family is found. Well, more or less here. We'll be counting on help from friends to see that he and we get regular breaks to help keep the tensions down. And it looks like it'll be our plan that will happen, but we'll also be picking up early next week with the planning, so things are subject to change.
I spoke with Barbara this afternoon for something like the 7th time today and came away feeling aggravated and frustrated. She said that A told her that, at his therapy appointment today, Max was very down on himself. He kept saying that he is stupid and that his birth mom doesn't still have him because she hates him. Well, yeah. He's been telling us that all along. We've tried to clear that up, but to no avail, apparently. We've told them repeatedly that he has self esteem issues. A has told me that the reason I don't like him is because he doesn't like himself and it's very difficult to like someone who doesn't like themselves. So, this is a known problem. It's not new, folks! And, yet, A is saying that it has to do with our decision to disrupt and the tensions at home. Okay, then.
Barbara now thinks that part of the problem with him not taking to the placement is that he wasn't adequately prepared for the move. Gee, ya think? We've been saying that all along. So, she wants to do therapeutic work with him over the next couple of weeks to help him understand his past and why the moves happened. She thinks this is tied in with the self-esteem issues, as well. Well, of course. Also, of course, we've gone over and over his history with him - the whys of the moves and all. Maybe it'll take from someone else. Although, we did have his case worker come all the way from Eugene to sit down and talk with him about all that at the beginning of the placement and that, obviously didn't take.
I guess I still resent that the idea is that the problems are all now sprouting up because of our decision to disrupt or that we we didn't know that he had these questions and issues.
But, I just need to take deep breaths and tell myself that anything they can do to help is still good, even if it's too late for us as a family. Anything they can do is good for Max. And we know we did what we could. We know we saw this as far as we could. We know how hard we worked at it. No one but us really knows what it's like to try to really parent him, so of course they don't understand. Even his foster mom doesn't really know what it's like to parent him because she was much more of a care taker than a parent.
I hope he gets what he needs and is able to find healing and peace. Whatever it is that he may need, even though we weren't able to find it.
Wednesday, July 02, 2008
One More Therapist Rant Before Bed
A told us all yesterday that she's never actually worked with a family that has disrupted before. As that is the case, I want to know why she told us a year ago (when we first brought up the topic of disruption), that, while it seems like it will be a relief, most families process it as the death of a child. That could be true still, but it's certainly not from the experience of working with said families that she developed that opinion, as she'd implied.
Also, never having worked with a family that has disrupted before, it seems pretty harsh to say that disrupting would ruin Max, causing him to never again be able to trust another mom. That's not to say that the next family won't have their work cut out for them, but, still. It's pretty harsh for not having any personal experience.
I've had the option shared with me that it might be because she's feeling like she failed by not taking the issues I brought up seriously enough, that she's so mad at us. Could be.
Again, though, I'm not saying that this will be easy for Max. It'll be really awful. I keep imagining his little face when I tell him goodbye. I remember his face the day that I we talked about why his foster mom wasn't his mom anymore. It'll be like that. I think. It wasn't a happy talk. However, I still believe that not only will he have a better chance than if he stayed with us (which isn't to say that his chances of meaningful attachment are high), but that the rest of us would go down with him, in some respects, if he stayed.
Also, never having worked with a family that has disrupted before, it seems pretty harsh to say that disrupting would ruin Max, causing him to never again be able to trust another mom. That's not to say that the next family won't have their work cut out for them, but, still. It's pretty harsh for not having any personal experience.
I've had the option shared with me that it might be because she's feeling like she failed by not taking the issues I brought up seriously enough, that she's so mad at us. Could be.
Again, though, I'm not saying that this will be easy for Max. It'll be really awful. I keep imagining his little face when I tell him goodbye. I remember his face the day that I we talked about why his foster mom wasn't his mom anymore. It'll be like that. I think. It wasn't a happy talk. However, I still believe that not only will he have a better chance than if he stayed with us (which isn't to say that his chances of meaningful attachment are high), but that the rest of us would go down with him, in some respects, if he stayed.
Just a Quickie
It was not an overly fun day. Max had a rough morning. We had an appointment with the person who prescribes his medicine, which meant that we got to see his therapist, too. It was a good time for me. Judgment hung heavy in the air. It's only my guilt that makes me feel judged, I know, but the guilt is there because I'd wanted to adopt and really have it be forever. That doesn't mean that I don't think we should disrupt. What I wanted doesn't really matter anymore. What matters is what's the best thing to do from here. His therapist and I don't agree on that.
There was swimming, which was good. A little exercise never harms anyone, especially when stressed. Max had time to spend with an adult friend (the afore mentioned Stephanie) who gave him lots of attention, which he needs.
What happens next is still up in the air, but there are plans afoot. Foster families being called, people making decisions. It's still unclear when Max will leave our home for sure, though.
There was swimming, which was good. A little exercise never harms anyone, especially when stressed. Max had time to spend with an adult friend (the afore mentioned Stephanie) who gave him lots of attention, which he needs.
What happens next is still up in the air, but there are plans afoot. Foster families being called, people making decisions. It's still unclear when Max will leave our home for sure, though.
Thanks for the Reminder, Max
We're having a morning. No swim lessons for Max this morning. He peed all over the toilet seat, refused to clean it up and chose to not participate in morning chores. I choose, therefore, not to make him breakfast (he was able to get his own, so this isn't a no food thing, just a no smoothie thing) or to take him to swimming. And I was willing to take it easy on him this morning, too. He just woke up angry and pushed a lot. Not uncommon.
Tuesday, July 01, 2008
Several Random Thoughts
Max's therapist, A, stayed after to talk to the case workers, supposedly to share some names of foster families she works with that she felt would do well for a temporary placement for Max. However, the more I think about it, the more I think it was really to talk to them about us without us there. Fine. It doesn't really matter at this point. But, I still think that was part of it.
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At today's meeting, A asked about Davan - what she knows and how she's handling it. I said we'd told her what was going on and said she was sad, worried about Max, relieved and all mixed up about it, but doing okay. A said that Davan would need therapy. Now, we've considered this. Anthony and I have talked about doing some family therapy once Max is moved on. We will if we think it's necessary. The kind of odd thing about A telling us this, though, is that Davan and I did a couple of session with her when Davan was having a hard time with the adoption and living with Max. A basically told me that with Davan's verbal skills and willingness to talk to me, she didn't need a therapist. She does a fine job of processing with me.
But now because we've chosen to disrupt with Max, suddenly I'm not a good parent/therapist for Davan anymore? Interesting.
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As long as I'm ranting about A, I'd been thinking for a few months now that we maybe needed to try a different therapist anyway. There is a RAD specialist not far from us and, as we were discussing our options, I told Anthony that we needed to go see this RAD specialist if we were not going to disrupt because I wasn't sure Max was getting what he/we needed from A.
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Our case worker, Barbara, had talked with us before about joining an adoptive support group, which we had been interested in, but being such introverts and the support group not being at all convenient to us, we just never did jump into it. Although, I do belong to an on-line support group for adoption. Now it's two, actually. One for harder kids like Max specifically, including people who've disrupted. I've posted a few times, but mostly lurk. Even so, it's been very helpful and supportive as I go through this.
Today Barbara again suggested that we join the support group or get one on one support from someone in the group to get through the disruption. The funny thing is that I am doing so much better in working through this disruption than I had been doing with just living with him that I don't know that I even need it.
I'd gotten to the point that I felt like I mostly just whined to my friends about Max and how life was going with him. Now, though, even though we're still in process, I talk about it some (we're talking very close friends), but I can find room to listen to them and hear what's going on in their lives. I feel so much healthier, even though this is such a difficult thing. I guess that shows how hard it's been that this feels easy in comparison.
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I've found that now that I know I don't have to keep living with Max, I can feel a lot more sorry for him and a lot more sympathetic to his behaviors. When I thought I was going to have to be his forever Mommy, I hated him and got angered so easily by his behaviors. I think my more sympathetic outlook will make our last days together more tolerable. Too bad I couldn't feel it when I'd have to live with the behaviors forever, but I just couldn't.
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At today's meeting, A asked about Davan - what she knows and how she's handling it. I said we'd told her what was going on and said she was sad, worried about Max, relieved and all mixed up about it, but doing okay. A said that Davan would need therapy. Now, we've considered this. Anthony and I have talked about doing some family therapy once Max is moved on. We will if we think it's necessary. The kind of odd thing about A telling us this, though, is that Davan and I did a couple of session with her when Davan was having a hard time with the adoption and living with Max. A basically told me that with Davan's verbal skills and willingness to talk to me, she didn't need a therapist. She does a fine job of processing with me.
But now because we've chosen to disrupt with Max, suddenly I'm not a good parent/therapist for Davan anymore? Interesting.
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As long as I'm ranting about A, I'd been thinking for a few months now that we maybe needed to try a different therapist anyway. There is a RAD specialist not far from us and, as we were discussing our options, I told Anthony that we needed to go see this RAD specialist if we were not going to disrupt because I wasn't sure Max was getting what he/we needed from A.
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Our case worker, Barbara, had talked with us before about joining an adoptive support group, which we had been interested in, but being such introverts and the support group not being at all convenient to us, we just never did jump into it. Although, I do belong to an on-line support group for adoption. Now it's two, actually. One for harder kids like Max specifically, including people who've disrupted. I've posted a few times, but mostly lurk. Even so, it's been very helpful and supportive as I go through this.
Today Barbara again suggested that we join the support group or get one on one support from someone in the group to get through the disruption. The funny thing is that I am doing so much better in working through this disruption than I had been doing with just living with him that I don't know that I even need it.
I'd gotten to the point that I felt like I mostly just whined to my friends about Max and how life was going with him. Now, though, even though we're still in process, I talk about it some (we're talking very close friends), but I can find room to listen to them and hear what's going on in their lives. I feel so much healthier, even though this is such a difficult thing. I guess that shows how hard it's been that this feels easy in comparison.
-------------
I've found that now that I know I don't have to keep living with Max, I can feel a lot more sorry for him and a lot more sympathetic to his behaviors. When I thought I was going to have to be his forever Mommy, I hated him and got angered so easily by his behaviors. I think my more sympathetic outlook will make our last days together more tolerable. Too bad I couldn't feel it when I'd have to live with the behaviors forever, but I just couldn't.
Today's Meeting
Well. We met. It went okay. Both social workers were very supportive of us and both indicated that they thought we'd done our best and put in a lot of hard work and stuck by him for a long time. Max's therapist, though...well, she thinks we're dooming him by disrupting. What I don't think she gets, though, is that we feel like we'd be dooming both him and us by him staying because we just haven't bonded to him. We don't have the capacity to help a person heal that we just don't like.
In fact, the more I think about the meeting, the more I think Alison was saying that his escalating behaviors of recent are my fault. He's picking up on my ambivalent feelings and trying (unconsciously) to push the matter. Possibly, but as I can't seem to get over feeling ambivalent about him being our son, that's yet another reason for him to be in a new family. I've been feeling ambivalent sense day 1. Maybe that's why he's done so poorly here. That's a cheery though. It really is all my fault.
Anyway, the plan is to find him a temporary placement as soon as possible that would last a couple of weeks (possibly longer - until an adoptive family is found - depending on the placement). We'll tell him that we know that adoption is hard. (This is a phrase he's using with his therapist lately, who has been seeing him alone.) It's hard for everyone. So, we're going to take a break and let everyone relax a little. It's not anything he's done. He's not in trouble. We're not mad at him. We just all need a break.
Then, after those couple of weeks (which will be used to find him a skilled foster home), we'll have a good-bye meeting between him and us with his therapist and our case worker - possibly his as well. That'll be it.
Our time with Max is drawing quickly to a close. I am still feeling like we've made the right choice. My anxiety is actually down post-meeting. I am sad for Max, but also hopeful. I'm sad for our adoption dreams, but relieved to be putting this very difficult chapter of life behind us. I'm a little concerned about how Davan will feel, but also feel like we're staying on top of talking to her about it and giving her lots of reassurance.
I still don't know for sure how long it'll be. His therapist would have liked to see him gone tomorrow, but with the way things work...that's very unlikely. I'm guessing a week or less, though.
In fact, the more I think about the meeting, the more I think Alison was saying that his escalating behaviors of recent are my fault. He's picking up on my ambivalent feelings and trying (unconsciously) to push the matter. Possibly, but as I can't seem to get over feeling ambivalent about him being our son, that's yet another reason for him to be in a new family. I've been feeling ambivalent sense day 1. Maybe that's why he's done so poorly here. That's a cheery though. It really is all my fault.
Anyway, the plan is to find him a temporary placement as soon as possible that would last a couple of weeks (possibly longer - until an adoptive family is found - depending on the placement). We'll tell him that we know that adoption is hard. (This is a phrase he's using with his therapist lately, who has been seeing him alone.) It's hard for everyone. So, we're going to take a break and let everyone relax a little. It's not anything he's done. He's not in trouble. We're not mad at him. We just all need a break.
Then, after those couple of weeks (which will be used to find him a skilled foster home), we'll have a good-bye meeting between him and us with his therapist and our case worker - possibly his as well. That'll be it.
Our time with Max is drawing quickly to a close. I am still feeling like we've made the right choice. My anxiety is actually down post-meeting. I am sad for Max, but also hopeful. I'm sad for our adoption dreams, but relieved to be putting this very difficult chapter of life behind us. I'm a little concerned about how Davan will feel, but also feel like we're staying on top of talking to her about it and giving her lots of reassurance.
I still don't know for sure how long it'll be. His therapist would have liked to see him gone tomorrow, but with the way things work...that's very unlikely. I'm guessing a week or less, though.
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