Here I Am Again

It's late and I wish I were sleeping, but, once again, there are too many thoughts running through my head.

Max got picked up at 2:20 and we were pretty frazzled by then. Max chose to spend his last time here playing video games while the rest of us played card games. He was invited, but chose not to join in.

It was hard. He was nervous about going, saying he wanted to stay here with Mom and Dad. He was somewhat resistant, but went without a huge fuss. It was hard to go through, though, especially for Anthony.

We did have a little memorial type ceremony. I talked a lot. Anthony talked quite a bit. Davan talked a little. Davan cried some in the beginning, but Anthony surprised me by crying while we were all cuddling after. I've only ever seen him cry one other time.

After a while, we decided to go for a hike together, which was a good thing to do. Anthony had a hard time all day. He was thinking about Max, hoping he was okay, that he liked what was for dinner, that he'd be able to sleep well tonight. He's a good man. He feels badly, though, like he should have done more, been more patient, been super human.

I was surprisingly okay most of the day, post Max leaving. However, come evening, I started to feel badly. I feel like we've pawned our kid off on someone else. I still feel like it's the right decision, but I'm feeling guilt and a sense of responsibility. It's odd to just not be responsible for this child anymore. A relief, but it goes against my sense of parenthood.

Max was a champion button pusher and a champion at being unhappy. It's okay that we were overwhelmed by him and unable to cope. But it doesn't feel good. He's still just a little boy, who is no more to blame for all of this than anyone else. That doesn't mean that I'm not grateful that we were able to stop the adoption and that we'll have a more normal life with more normal problems, once we've come through the other side.

I wish him and us peace, safety and happiness.