More Changes

First off, let me say that we are firm in our decision. We are definitely not Max's growing up family, as sad as that is for all involved.

However. As I started thinking more about him going to another house for two weeks (and possibly having to break that up even further into weekend respite, causing yet another move), I started realizing how counter-intuitive that plan in. Is yet another move really in his best interests?

This is his therapist's brain child. And I can kind of see her point. It would give him some cooling off time if he was comfortable there, before we had a final good-bye. However. I can't help but think that it'll all feel the same to him and feel like people were lying to him. So, from his perspective, the move would still be pretty close to his birthday, which was also one of the goals.

So, here we are. He needs a new home. He needs a skilled foster home to help him make a new start before moving on to adoption. A, his therapist, is advocating an additional move. We think he should stay here until the foster family is found. Well, more or less here. We'll be counting on help from friends to see that he and we get regular breaks to help keep the tensions down. And it looks like it'll be our plan that will happen, but we'll also be picking up early next week with the planning, so things are subject to change.

I spoke with Barbara this afternoon for something like the 7th time today and came away feeling aggravated and frustrated. She said that A told her that, at his therapy appointment today, Max was very down on himself. He kept saying that he is stupid and that his birth mom doesn't still have him because she hates him. Well, yeah. He's been telling us that all along. We've tried to clear that up, but to no avail, apparently. We've told them repeatedly that he has self esteem issues. A has told me that the reason I don't like him is because he doesn't like himself and it's very difficult to like someone who doesn't like themselves. So, this is a known problem. It's not new, folks! And, yet, A is saying that it has to do with our decision to disrupt and the tensions at home. Okay, then.

Barbara now thinks that part of the problem with him not taking to the placement is that he wasn't adequately prepared for the move. Gee, ya think? We've been saying that all along. So, she wants to do therapeutic work with him over the next couple of weeks to help him understand his past and why the moves happened. She thinks this is tied in with the self-esteem issues, as well. Well, of course. Also, of course, we've gone over and over his history with him - the whys of the moves and all. Maybe it'll take from someone else. Although, we did have his case worker come all the way from Eugene to sit down and talk with him about all that at the beginning of the placement and that, obviously didn't take.

I guess I still resent that the idea is that the problems are all now sprouting up because of our decision to disrupt or that we we didn't know that he had these questions and issues.

But, I just need to take deep breaths and tell myself that anything they can do to help is still good, even if it's too late for us as a family. Anything they can do is good for Max. And we know we did what we could. We know we saw this as far as we could. We know how hard we worked at it. No one but us really knows what it's like to try to really parent him, so of course they don't understand. Even his foster mom doesn't really know what it's like to parent him because she was much more of a care taker than a parent.

I hope he gets what he needs and is able to find healing and peace. Whatever it is that he may need, even though we weren't able to find it.