Well. We met. It went okay. Both social workers were very supportive of us and both indicated that they thought we'd done our best and put in a lot of hard work and stuck by him for a long time. Max's therapist, though...well, she thinks we're dooming him by disrupting. What I don't think she gets, though, is that we feel like we'd be dooming both him and us by him staying because we just haven't bonded to him. We don't have the capacity to help a person heal that we just don't like.
In fact, the more I think about the meeting, the more I think Alison was saying that his escalating behaviors of recent are my fault. He's picking up on my ambivalent feelings and trying (unconsciously) to push the matter. Possibly, but as I can't seem to get over feeling ambivalent about him being our son, that's yet another reason for him to be in a new family. I've been feeling ambivalent sense day 1. Maybe that's why he's done so poorly here. That's a cheery though. It really is all my fault.
Anyway, the plan is to find him a temporary placement as soon as possible that would last a couple of weeks (possibly longer - until an adoptive family is found - depending on the placement). We'll tell him that we know that adoption is hard. (This is a phrase he's using with his therapist lately, who has been seeing him alone.) It's hard for everyone. So, we're going to take a break and let everyone relax a little. It's not anything he's done. He's not in trouble. We're not mad at him. We just all need a break.
Then, after those couple of weeks (which will be used to find him a skilled foster home), we'll have a good-bye meeting between him and us with his therapist and our case worker - possibly his as well. That'll be it.
Our time with Max is drawing quickly to a close. I am still feeling like we've made the right choice. My anxiety is actually down post-meeting. I am sad for Max, but also hopeful. I'm sad for our adoption dreams, but relieved to be putting this very difficult chapter of life behind us. I'm a little concerned about how Davan will feel, but also feel like we're staying on top of talking to her about it and giving her lots of reassurance.
I still don't know for sure how long it'll be. His therapist would have liked to see him gone tomorrow, but with the way things work...that's very unlikely. I'm guessing a week or less, though.
I can't imagine that someone actually believes that you're responsible for his escalating behavior.
ReplyDeleteBut 'trained and educated' people get paid to say things like that, when in reality, they're only slightly less clueless than the rest of us in matters of a psychological nature.
Don't believe her. I understand that she's being paid to be his advocate, and isn't willing to consider that he's just... damaged beyond her ability to repair.
I wish I had the words to make this all easier on you.
Damn it makes me mad to think that this therapist is in such friggin denial that she would put it on you. Personally, I would advocate asap w/SW to get a new therapist. Seriously!!
ReplyDeleteFirst of all - a rad child ( I know he isn't RAD...per her) should NEVER EVER EVER see ANY therapist or professional alone. That is how families are torn apart. The triangulation starts and false accusations start and well...isn't the therapist supposed to be 'helping' him bond to you?
I'm sorry...sore subject. Thankfully, we had a great A.T and we had horrible ones...thus I know from experience. Clueless.
No matter what I say or would do for that matter...will not take away the pain and anguish. I'm sure the sense of relief is tenfold and I hope that for your entire family it will be.
His behaviors are 'not' because of you. Dang..that just ticks me off that she would say that.
Hang in there my dear. You know (I think) how to email me if you want - on the Yahoo group.
take care of you!!! give ms. davan (sp?) big hugs...and...dh too. :) (You can give Max big hugs too...he needs it I'm sure.) But be kind and gentle to you!!