Monday, June 30, 2008

Happiness, Relief, Anxiety, Guilt

Those are my primary emotions today. I don't at all feel the need for an antidepressant, which I've felt like I needed for most of the time Max has been here. I was on Prozac for a few months, which made life tolerable, but also took away strong happiness and interest in life. Lately I'd been thinking I should go back on, but I just didn't want to lead a drugged life. If life (and it's not passing) is so horrible that you need drugs, it seems like there should be a change.

Ever sense the decision was made, I've felt like the need for an antidepressant is totally gone. Now, anxiety on the other hand...well, a lessening of the anxiety would be nice. But, I've also felt happy lately. I've enjoyed time with Davan and with Anthony and with both of them in a way I hadn't in quite a while.

I'm very anxious about the meeting tomorrow. I'm anxious about how our morning will go. Will we make it to swim lessons tomorrow? Max is supposed to have swim lessons all this week and next. Maybe we will or maybe he'll run off again. If he does, what will I do about it tomorrow? He's already going to SIL's house at 12:30 for the appointment, so, especially if swimming happens, there's not a lot of time that it's just me and the kids at home tomorrow. Whew.

And, of course, I feel guilt about what will happen to Max from here. Will he make it with another family? Will his life tank even more? Would it have tanked even if he'd stayed here? Will he bounce around foster care. I'm still also very anxious about telling him that we're not it for him.

Yeah. It's all the same questions. I hope he does okay. I hope he finds a home where he can feel like he fits in. Round and round.

1 comment:

  1. You know this is the right decision for you and your family. You've spent a very long time in deep thinking, in analyzing the possible courses of action and ramifications of each.

    Once you get past telling him I hope it will be easier on you.

    I'm sorry I missed talking with you today, I got home about 20 minutes after you were here.