Max is not RAD. According to his therapist, that is. She does say that he has attachment issues, but she only labels kids as RAD if they meet all of the requirements on the following list:
1. Superficially engaging and charming
2. Lack eye contact on parental terms
3. Indiscriminately affectionate with strangers
4. Not affectionate on parents' terms (not cuddly)
5. Destructive to self, others and material things (accident prone)
6. Cruel to animals
7. Lies about the obvious (crazy lying)
8. No impulse control (frequently acts hyperactive)
9. Learning lags
10. Lack of cause-and-effect thinking
11. Lack of conscience
12. Abnormal eating patterns
13. Poor peer relationships
14. Preoccupation with fire
15. Persistent with nonsense questions and incessant chatter
16. Inappropriately demanding and clingy
17. Abnormal speech patterns
Every time I read about RAD, though, I start crying. Why? Because Max displays 1, 2, 3 (less as he's been with us more, but still some), 4 (sometimes), 5, 7, 8, 10, 11, 12, 13, 15, 16, and sometimes 17.
It's so hard. It's hard because I feel judged about my mothering by friends and family who say I'm just too hard on him. This is very common for attachment disorder kids and their moms (moms particularly, but dads, too). When he does cuddle, he cuddles like a porcupine with sharp elbows, chins, and also just plan pushing with his body parts. We are constantly barraged by chatter and nonsense questions. Yes, folks, there is such a thing as a stupid question.
When he plays at a friend's house, the parents inevitably say, "Oh, he was such a good and polite guest." (superficially charming) Meanwhile, the child (his peer) doesn't want him to come back or they never even played together. We get similar peer reactions when he has friends over here.
And the lying - the crazy lying. This has been getting worse lately. It's astounding in it's frequency. And he's not as bad about it as some kids. Really, he's pretty mild as attachment disorders go especially as he's been here longer. It's still very, very hard.
Reading about it makes me feel less alone. Less crazy. And worse because it's not easy to heal.
I just stumbled on your blog. Our daughter has RAD, also. We have been succeeding with her for 2.5 years now. I know where you are. Some days are better than others. Some days are worse than ever before. But, I have hope.
ReplyDeleteI understand that reading more and having fellowship with other RAD parents can be comforting and burdensome at the same time. www.radzebra.org has a chat group that can be helpful, at times.
I do find comfort that my heart is changing, even if our daughter's heart never does.
I also just stumbled across your blog via a search. We are dealing with two children - one with minor attachment issues yet LOTS of anger. The other is like yours - not outright RAD, but we have a major chunk of the list: 1, 3, 7, 8, 9, 12, 13, 15 (15! 15! 15! 15!!!!!!!!), 16 and probably some 17 but I'm too exhausted from the 15 to notice.
ReplyDeleteYou're not alone. I am having to grow some really thick skin because no one (NO ONE) sees the reality. I hear all the time - "Look how happy they are!"
At church last week I was asked to serve as the Children's Ministry Coordinator for the coming year. I found myself feeling so many emotions: anger, frustration, sadness. Because, obviously, people just really, really, really don't get it!
You're not alone. You're so WAY not alone.
The only person who "believed" me was our A.T...we spent many days, months and years being told that "I" was the problem. Cor did very mcuh the same..he wasn't always outright RAD-y. Depending upon the day, issue, mood, color of the sun..would depend on what symptoms would be raging - if any.
ReplyDeleteNow after we have disrupted....I second guess myself nearly every day. Maybe he wasn't 'that' bad. Then I come tomy senses and say "heck yeah..he was or he wouldn'thave hurt his sibs the way he did'.
Dang..itis so tough. Hang in there.