Okay. So. I'm definitely not blase about this whole disrupting situation, although I'm sure we're making the right decision. I'm very tired all day because I can't fall asleep easily. And, when I wake up, such as to go to the bathroom, my mind is going around and around again.
I'm thinking about telling Max. I'm thinking about calling him Judea again. I'm thinking about the meeting on Tuesday. I'm wondering what will happen next. I'm wondering how long it'll take to find another family for him, if he doesn't go directly to foster care. I'm wondering how Max will take the news. Will he be mad and acting like, "Fine. I didn't want to be a part of this stupid family anyway," or will he be really hurt and sad? Probably both.
I'm thinking about what if he runs again. How will I handle that? I'd like to just ignore it, but he is seven and I worry about getting in trouble for "letting" him run free. Although, I had been thinking about letting him go over to the park by himself some over the summer...so how different is that? But, I also don't want him running off every time I need a break and send him to play outside or in his room. 'Cause, yeah. That's my main discipline technique with him - getting a break by having him play elsewhere. Harsh, eh? Although, for a kid with attachment and abandonment issues, I guess it is. But I can't let him just needle me until I break down when he's in a mood. And, there in lies some of our issues.
And, yeah. This whole abandonment issue thing? That'll only get better after we send him away, doncha think?
Still. I really think it's the right thing. I have hopes for him with a more compatible family. Or he might just not ever be okay. And maybe some of that will be because we gave up on him. But, it's the right thing for us. And possibly him, as well.
Off to try to sleep again.