Wednesday, June 18, 2008


Max is off spending the night at Stephanie's house. I wish I could say I miss him. Really, though? I'm thinking what a quiet morning and kind of dreading tomorrow morning. I don't think it should feel this way.

When Davan was littler and we didn't get along so well - yes, it happened regardless of Max's therapist thinking we have the perfect child in her and that's why we're having a hard time with Max - when she'd spend the night at my mom's house, I did miss her and waited for her return. I worried about how she was doing while she was gone.

I am a little worried about Max, but I'm worried that he's getting away with manipulation (Stephanie's family is all very nice and accommodating - which is why there was the offer of respite!) and will be harder to deal with when he comes home, not that he's having a rough time of it.

Max's therapist, A, mentioned that when we dropped him off with her on Friday that it was a good sign that he was concerned about us walking out the door without him. I really and truly think he was concerned that we were going to go out to lunch without him (which we actually did do) while he had to answer difficult questions (which, apparently, he didn't because with him working so hard at home, A thinks he needs therapy as a chance to just dump his feelings rather than do more work).

My feeling that he cared more about what we were doing rather than that we were going was backed up by the easy way in which he went off to respite care yesterday. He wouldn't have hugged me if I hadn't initialized. He went off with nary a backward glance.

When I told him that he was going to go a couple of days before, he thanked me.

Now, do I think he has some feelings for us and some worry about being away? Yeah. Some. I know he was thinking about it yesterday. There was some anxious behavior. Although, I also think he was maybe a little anxious that it wouldn't happen for some reason.

Anthony says that when I'm out of town visiting my best friend, Max does genuinely seem to miss me.

Here's the thing. I think he used to be more anxious about being separated from us. I think he's less anxious about it now. I think his attachment is lessening. A thinks he mirrors my feelings about the adoption. This could be true. I've felt more hopeful at times. Now I feel very ambivalent. I really think I'd be okay if he left. Guilty, yes, but okay. I'd feel really okay if he went to another family and it really worked out.

A tells me, though, that this can't and won't happen. She says that he won't be able to attach again, even as much as he did here, if he moves. She says he wouldn't have attached anywhere better than he's doing here. I just don't believe her. Why? If he had a more harmonious home life - watched sports on TV, video games okay, parents expecting kids to act like kids (talk back, fuss about chores, etc), ate foods that he likes - he'd have attached better. Maybe not. But maybe.

Also, I've joined a list serve for families thinking about disruption. There are a lot of families on there who have disrupted, as well. There's a thread right now about kids doing so much better in their next family. If there are families that have disrupted who's kids aren't doing better, they aren't speaking up.

It's a lot of food for thought.

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