Friday, June 13, 2008

The Worst Week We've Had in a Long, Long Time

Max regressed big time this week. He ramped up last week, but this week was one thing after another all week. A few highlights:

-non-stop noise - he even hummed while he was eating

-nasty back talk to 90% of what was said to him (by me, at least)

-eating other kids' lunches at school (last day of school was Wednesday)

-blatant cheating at games

-just deciding he didn't want to hold his penis while he was peeing, resulting in pee all over his undies and the bathroom, then just going back to bed

-sticking a walnut up his nose

-physically intimidating peers

-elbowing me when passing by

and my personal favorite:

-popping out his screen and going out the window in the middle of my last game day because I'd told him he couldn't go to the park in his socks

Today, I have to say, was better. More back to the normal unpleasantness with some okayness in between. Why? Well, we tried Zoloft.

Apparently, Zoloft sometimes has an adverse reaction in boys with fetal alcohol stuff. It makes them lose all of their inhibitions. He didn't take it today. And he was better. Interestingly, Max told fewer lies this week. He pretty much came clean about stuff when asked about it. There were some lies, don't get me wrong, but often he'd just say what had happened.

It's been enough that I called out case worker and said that I do not want to finalize the adoption. I was actually worried that we were too far along, but we haven't had the ceremony yet and, apparently, that means we're okay.

I'm willing to try to make it a go with him still. However, I don't want to be stuck holding the ball if he turns out to need residential care. Or if he turns out to really not be able to be a member of our family.

I also want respite care. I want a week or two this summer. I want, in addition to that, him to spend the night with family or friends once a week.

It's been a long, hard year and a half. This week brought home to me how much we're living from crisis to crisis with Max. I don't want to be solely responsible for him. I want the state to still have a vested interest in him. We'll do long term foster care, but I don't know that I'll ever want to finalize the adoption. I want options. If that means that the state wants to find a new home for him, so be it.

On the flip side, I've done a lot of talking with his therapist over the last couple of days, as well. She continues to say that I'm the best mom for him. She says that he can't attach again if we kick him out. The stickee on his sticker is about gone. No pressure, though. (Not really on the no pressure part - there's lots of pressure to keep him.) She recommends that we get respite (I'd come up with that on my own, too) and that Anthony be the parent in charge of him whenever he's home. I'm trying hard to let that happen.

We continue to ride this roller coaster.


  1. I think respite care and not finalizing the adoption are absolutely the best choices you could make but I can't imagine how bad you must feel.

    I hope your feelings don't include looking at yourself as having failed to do what you should.

    You've done much more than anyone else ever would have.


  2. Oh, how my heart hurts for you and Max. I will certainly pray for you and your family. We experience the effects of RAD, FAS, ODD, and ADHD in our daughter. I admire your boldness & bravery in sharing where your heart is.

  3. You know, ami, I don't feel that badly. We're not kicking him out, we're just not finalizing. I'd feel horrible if we were kicking him out. Relieved, too, I believe, but guilty and depressed.

    As it is, with just not finalizing...and perhaps being long term foster parents, I'm okay with that. I feel very comfortable with that. We don't have the nitty gritty figured out as to if we'll ever adopt or what, but he's here and, for as long as we can, has a home.

    I'm particularly worried about if he needs residential care when he's older. We don't want to be solely responsible for that. It's very expensive. And I think it's a possibility.

  4. I am the adoptive parent of two children with Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorders (FASD) and it is the most difficult, most wonderful, most frustrating, most rewarding thing I have ever done. We're having to decide right now about whether or not to adopt a sibling that will be born this fall. These times of decisions are awful. Come visit my blog if you have a few minutes-


  5. (((HUGS))) it is all I can offer this afternoon. One day at a time. One step in front of the other. It is all you can ask for right now.