Monday, June 30, 2008

This Morning's Adventures

Well. I think that Max moving out is going to happen sooner rather than later. My stomach is all in a knot again. I still think we're doing the right thing. I feel it more strongly, even, but I don't like the turmoil and grief. I feel very guilty toward Max - ambushing him with the news he'll be moving on. And, it sounds like, probably soon.

This morning I went to pick Max up from my SIL's house. We got home and I was doing some chores while he unpacked and tidied up his room a bit before taking him over for swim lessons. He became belligerent and started blocking my path, then swatted at the laundry basket I was carrying. I sent him to his room to play for a while, telling him that being agressive with me wasn't okay (calmly over the top of him going, "blah, blah, blah").

He started yelling in the doorway, so I said to shut the door. He yelled, "You can't trust me!" I said, "Fine. Run away, then."

"Who, me?"


Then there were noises of him kicking out the screen. Then he opened the door and said, "The thing is out and I'm running now!"

I didn't reply. I opted not to run after him. He returned in less than 10 minutes. I decided that the best thing was probably for him to spend the day elsewhere because he doesn't run off when Anthony is home. At least, not yet.

After calling around, my friend, Stephanie (wonderful person extraordinare) said that her family could take him for the day. Max was delighted at the news that he'd get to spend the day at their house. He really seems to love Parker, their college age son.

I called over to Barbara (case worker) to leave a message (she's not in the office today) telling her what happened and saying that I wasn't sure he'd be able to stay while another family is recruited after all because he's just not safe here.

I also called his therapist, which I was dreading because I know that she thinks we're ruining him and it brings up all my guilt to even think about talking to her. When I told her what was going on, she said some interesting things. I don't know if CPS will agree with her or not, but when I said that we'd planned on trying to be his resource family until an adoptive family was found, she said that she couldn't (even before today) see how that would work. She doesn't believe that he can just go from me being his mom to someone else being his mom. She thinks he should go to foster care so that he can be prepared for a new family. Strange. I was thinking that fewer moves were generally thought to be better.

At any rate, it's really looking like we're looking at days or weeks not months before he moves out. I don't know what that will look like. An immediate move? Some sort of transition? Waiting until there's a suitable bed available for him?

I guess we'll have some of those questions answered at tomorrow's meeting.

It'll be strange to have an empty bedroom. It'll be strange not to have a Sponge Bob Squarepants place mat at our table. It'll be strange to erase his name from our family's schedule board. I wish things were different.

It'll be good to have a break from the constant yelling. It'll be good not to worry about him running off. It'll be good not to worry about him hurting me or Davan or Anthony, but, frankly, I worry a lot less about that.

I wonder if his foster family will have room for all of his things. What will we do with his toys if they don't want them?

I think about the empty room and surplus toys and I wonder, strangely, about trying to do foster care. And then I think I'm crazy because we're not going to do that and why would I think about it before it's even over? I think because that's what I wish we'd done in the first place. It'd be easier to give up someone we loved to a marginal birth family than it has been to try to be a forever parent to Max. And then we'd have had the chance to sort of test ride with no real pressure because it wasn't expected to be permanent. But, how could we take it on again? Maybe after some healing, but I don't think Anthony would allow it.

I feel like I've done a lot of my pre-grieving. Like when a loved one is sick for a long time, by the time they pass away, while it's sad, you're kind of ready to move on. I feel like my adoption dream has been sick and I've grieved it. I'm mostly just sick about implementing the disruption now.

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