Tuesday, May 27, 2008

I'm Not Sleeping

I wish I were. I know that tomorrow, I'll really wish I'd been sleeping now. But, I'm not. My mind is chasing it's own tail around and around. Lots going on. Lots to think about. Dark chocolate too close to bedtime. Yeah. I think it all contributes.

Davan. She made team. This is great. I'm very excited for her. I'm also worried about the excitement/apprehension levels in the house up until she goes for her first team work out. It's only a week, which is good. But, it's a whole week. Yeah. I'll have to keep her busy.

I'm somewhat worried about finances. We can swing it for her to be on team, but it'll cost us a vacation or deck or there abouts. It's so important to her and it's worth it, but gosh. It's a lot of money.

Max. He had a rough afternoon. He just felt like being as annoying as he could be including gems like making a loud and sudden noise behind Davan's back while she was reading, getting out of bed to turn on his book on tape that he did not have privileges for this evening due to poor after bedtime behavior last night and asking multiple times to take one of the family balls outside after he'd already lost one over the neighbor's fence. (The neighbor does not want Max in her yard. I can't blame her. He'd be over there about 5 times every 15 minutes while playing with a ball in our yard. He's just that sort of kid. So, the rule is, if a ball goes over the fence, you have to leave it until she feels like tossing it back. Meanwhile, you can take more of your own balls out to loose over the fence, but not any family balls.)

I finally figured out after he went to bed that he might have been having a rough day because of my answer to a morning question. Of course, he couldn't just say so. No. He asked this morning if he was going to go to Highland again next year. The answer is, "Not if I can help it." and I wanted to be somewhat truthful, so I said I wasn't totally sure. I don't know what brought the question on, but it seems that his teacher might have asked him. This kind of ticks me off because I wanted the question to be settled before I brought it up with him, which it's not. At any rate, he's probably feeling unsettled about the whole thing. Does this mean his meds aren't helping? Or is a week too early to tell?

I'm supposed to call a judge's assistant tomorrow and set up a time for finalization. Again, I'm feeling balky. I still think we're going to do it and I still don't really think there's a good alternative, but. But. But I want him to be in a family where he's truly loved and cherished. Maybe he can't be yet. Maybe he isn't healthy enough. But maybe he could be in a different family. Would he find that family if we opted not to adopt? Probably not.

I'm reading Another Place at the Table, which is about a foster/adoptive mom and her experiences. It's a good read, but when she talks about one foster daughter, Lucy, and why they opted not to adopt her, but rather let her find an adoptive family where she'd be truly valued, I want to cry. Max won't ever have that. And it's sad. The kids they adopted or wanted to adopt all felt like one of their own, but Lucy didn't.

It's sad for me and it's sad for Max. I wanted a child that would feel like my own. Max deserves that. We're both loosing out. I feel like I messed up. We should have fostered. I thought the heartache of loosing a child that we loved (back to bio parents) would be too much. I didn't consider the possibility of having a forever child I couldn't love. I wish we'd fostered so that we could get to know potential children without the pressure of being chosen as the adoptive family already. We'd all know it was probably temporary then. That's what I'd do if I had it to do over again.

I want to talk to Barbara (our case worker) and tell her these things. I want to say to her, "Look, I want what's best for Max. Is there any way that what's best for him is a different family? Does he have a chance if we don't finalize? Can we keep him until a permanent family that is the right family is found? If we back out and Max moves on can we foster and maybe find a child that moves into our hearts?"

I want to ask her, just to make sure, "What happens if he needs residential treatment when he's a teenager?" I'm pretty sure he's covered, but I was just realizing that I'm not totally sure. And it's possible that he won't be able to live here.

Is it too late for all this? Now is better than after finalization, but never is probably better for Max's attachment. Or is it? Maybe he could attach to a family that loved him for who he is. Or maybe he's too sick and wouldn't attach to any family and this is as good as it gets for him.

I wish I had a crystal ball and could know what the future holds. I could always consult the all-knowing Magic Eight Ball. Oh, Magic Eight Ball, is it the right thing for Max to stay in our family? (My sources say no.) Oh, Magic Eight Ball, is it the right thing for our family for Max to stay? (Don't count on it.)

Well, with that stellar advice, we should disrupt. To make sure: Oh, Magic Eight Ball, should we disrupt Max's adoption? (All signs point to yes.) Very consistent.

At least when I asked, "Have we harmed Max by keeping him this long?" it said, "Very doubtful." Thank you Magic Eight Ball. I feel all better now.

I'm off to try to sleep again. Tomorrow is another day.

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