Max Thoughts

To write this post or not has been in my mind for a while now. I worry that people who read it and don't know me personally will think less of me. However, I want to keep things honest. And I know many of the 6 or so of you came to this blog because of our Max experiences and will want to know where we are emotionally with the disruption.

We are fine. Really, really fine. Davan is so much better after having quit the gymnastics team that it seems the stress almost had more to do with that than with the disruption. Although, I'm sure time and extra attention has healed on that front some, as well.

Anthony and I are doing really, really well. We're happy. We don't have guilt about choosing to disrupt. We don't think about Max much, even though we're still reminded of him through pictures on the screen saver, art work on the walls, his room still with pencil drawings on the wall from when he was mad. When he does pass through our minds, we might linger briefly, but we're glad he's moved on. Our family is so much healthier and happier.

The only guilt I feel is sometimes feeling like I should think about him more or miss him or something. But I just don't. And, mostly, I accept that. It's really only when telling other people that this feeling comes over me that I probably look bad for not having more angst.

I do regret the poor outcome of the adoption. It makes me sad that we didn't find a second child for our family. But, I also am fairly happy with who we are. Maybe Davan is an only child. Maybe I'm a better mom with an only child. Maybe a larger family would have worked out with a different child.

I do feel badly that Max had to experience another loss. It won't help him. However, I think we did what we could to make it work. We stuck it out a long time in hopes that things would turn around. I really don't think that staying here would have helped him, either.

I idly wonder how he's doing sometimes, but my need to know isn't pressing. I hope he's doing well. But, if I knew he was doing well, would I feel like a failure for not being able to help him do well here? I don't know. And I don't feel a pressing need to find out how he's doing. It goes to show the lack of a real bond, even after a year and a half of living together.

It's not like he's totally gone from my mind, I just don't linger over the whole thing. I have sent on a few items as we've come across them. His Sports Illustrated Jr magazine, for example, as come a couple of times sense he left and I've passed them on to Barbara to give to him.

That's where we are. It feels healthy and good most of the time. I'm so glad we disrupted. I'm not actually depressed, which is sure nice.