I don't know if I can do this. Really. I know I must. I know I will. But I am loosing myself. I am so tired of dealing with the drama.
I am loosing my patience, my tolerance, my humor. My enjoyment of kids in general is sharply down. I don't want to be the person I'm becoming. It turns out that I wasn't strong enough for this.
I don't want to face all the years ahead with Max. I want the kid who was in his teacher's class for the first half of the school year to come and live with us. I want the kid who doesn't have OOD or FAE or attachment issues that we were told we were getting. I want the state to step up and say, "Oh, gee, there's a better home for him. One where he'll be loved and accepted and even appreciated for who he is. One where the family is brown like him." I'd like to be kept up to date on how he does there. I'll give up on the adoption dream now that I know I'm not cut out for it.
That's the only thing he asked for in a family, that they be "brown like me." They didn't give that to him. I think it was a mistake.
I want to enjoy my kids. At least most of the time. I know I enjoy Davan less, too. And that's sad. There is so much that is sad.
I don't want to finalize. I will, though. I have no choice.