I got a call from the school counselor this morning. Max had run out of the classroom. He was just standing in the hall, so at least he didn't leave the building. Max's teacher called the office to say Max had run out. They sent in the counselor. The counselor fairly sternly (according the said counselor) told Max that he needed to go back into the class room and sit down. Max told him that he didn't want to do school anymore, that it wasn't fun and he wanted to go home and be with Mom.
This would be heart-warming if it were, in fact, true, but as Max spends his time at home telling us how mad he is and that he wants to run away from here, I take it with a grain of salt. Okay, yes, he also tells me that I'm the best mom in the world, but I take that with a grain of salt, too. Back to the story.
Max did go back into the classroom and then the counselor called me. I told him about everything that's gone on over the course of the year, most of which he didn't know about. Yet again, I requested some sort of accountability for Max's behavior. I think I might have actually been heard this time, but we'll see. I'd felt heard when I talked to the substitute principal, as well, but as she was the substitute, she is gone.
I don't know what to do about all this. Max tells us that he wants to stay in school. He says he doesn't want to homeschool. Max tells them he wants to be at home. Many times, though, Max has trouble just asking for what he really wants. I did tell Max that if he continued to show me with actions and negative words about school that he didn't want to be there, we'd probably pull him out and homeschool him. That makes me think about dinner last night.
We had salad and soup for dinner. Max was not enthused about dinner. He ate his salad with his mouth hanging open and then, when he got his bowl of soup (which he did ask for), he ate a decent part of it, but then got down to the broccoli and lima beans and stated that he didn't care for those. I told him it was fine if he was done, he could just clear his plate, wash his hands and move on with his evening. He didn't. But, he started acting up. I let him know that if he showed me with actions that he was done, he'd be excused. He thrust a piece of carrot out of his mouth with his tongue. He was excused. He couldn't say, "I'm done." Instead he had to act up and make it my fault that he was sent away from the table.
Perhaps this is his plan with school, also. He doesn't want to say, "I'd rather be at home. I want to not go to school anymore." It'd be better for him to have me say, "You can't go to school anymore. I'm homeschooling you." Then it would be my fault.
The problem is multi-fold here, though. Davan would be very unhappy to have him homeschool, too. That isn't my primary concern, but it is something to consider. I enjoy the break I get while he's at school. He's difficult to be around a lot of the time. He doesn't need more ammunition for his anger and he'd be angry at me for pulling him out of school, even if it's what he wants.
On the other side, he also doesn't need things that make him different from the rest of the family. We really identify ourselves as homeschoolers. He doesn't need to be in an environment where he's not held accountable for his actions. He could probably use the boot camp bonding of homeschooling and being around each other all the time.
It's a mess. I don't know what the answer is. I'd thought to just leave him in school for the rest of the school year, but things are getting ugly.
I've put in a call to his therapist and will be setting up an appointment to go see her. He, obviously, has some things he needs to work out that aren't getting settled with just us - his therapeutic parents, as his therapist tells us.
Once again, I'm struck by how well you know this kid.
ReplyDeleteI don't have the answers, of course. I know (and so do you) that if you're going to leave him in school, the aggravation of advocating for him to learn the consequences of his actions and to receive the individual attention he needs are going to be an uphill battle at best.
Schools just aren't set up to help kids.
I've been thinking about this post for days.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Ami (and you), that the school needs to find a way to have consequences for his actions that are comfortable for them but meaningful for Max.
About the homeschooling. I'm all for HS. I think it is great. I don't know any child that would do *worse* at home than at school. Many would do better. Most would thrive either way.
However, I don't believe that the decision to HS a child should be based on just what would be best for that child. HS is a lifestyle, as you know, and therefore effects the whole family. If you honestly think that the *FAMILY* would be better off with the intense bonding experience of HS, and that the bootcamp experience would do you all good (long term - obviously short term would be brutal), then it is something to be considered.
If you would hate it, and be miserable, then it really doesn't matter what would be best for Max. I know that sounds harsh - but it is true. Your NEEDS come before Max's WANTS. They just do.
And not to ruffle feathers (as you don't know me at all), I think Davan's dislike of him being homeschooled should count for something. School may be the break she needs from Max.
I think you could do lots of thinking about this one. Would you be able to make it until summer vacation and then view the summer as an experiment?
Another alternative is to pull him now, and view how it goes between now and Sept as the experiment.
Thank you so much for your very thoughtful reply. It does mirror a lot of what I think about the issue.
ReplyDeleteCurrently, I'm thinking I'll have him stay for the rest of the school year and then reevaluate yet again for next year, after we see how the summer goes.
If he keeps running off, though, something different needs to happen there.
We did try homeschooling him before. We pulled him out of kindergarten in March last year. I wasn't getting much of a break with kindergarten anyway, as it's only about 2 1/2 hours a day here. Davan was very unhappy when she found out he was coming home. When we told her later that he was going to school, she was ecstatic.
It was kind of funny because she's a huge promoter of homeschooling and I thought she might resent her brother going to school. But no. And, while he does piss her off, she does also very much consider him her brother.
We were thinking of the bootcamp bonding at that point, too. And I think it was the right decision for then. I'm just not sure we're up for more of it.
Although, in some ways, spring break was easier than when he's in school. He did have an afternoon camp most day, though, which he wouldn't most of the time.
As you can see, I just keep going back and forth. But, mostly it's in regards to next year. This year, I think he's just going to stay in school. Probably.