Tuesday, August 19, 2008

More About Dreams

So, we're all remembering the gorilla dream, yes? Less than a week later, Anthony and I both had dreams about children one night.

I dreamt that we had agreed to go and visit Max and that maybe, depending on how the visits went, we'd consider transitioning him back into our home. I have no idea why we agreed to this, but I was going just to see him really, with only the very slightest possibility of transitioning him back into our home. However, when we got there, that was how everyone was acting - that he was moving back with us. We spend a weekend with him at this therapy resort type of place. I was screaming, "No! Stop all of this!" in my head, but it just kept on. At one point, I looked at Davan and though, "Well, maybe this is best for her," as she'd been having trouble with the idea of "getting rid" of a child, not because having Max around is healthy for her. Finally the dream ended. I woke up immensely relieved.

That same night, Anthony dreamt that we were being chased by people who wanted to kidnap Davan. We kept running and hiding, but they kept coming. You know the type of dream.

Residual stress? Still processing? Yeah, probably.

Then, last night, another children dream. This one is more than a little bazaar, as if the gorilla one was normal, but just remember that it all made sense in the dream, even if it's strange to write it.

There are four of us hanging around in the dinning room/kitchen area at home. The four are Anthony, me, Davan and boy/Max. We're all happy. I keep saying to Anthony, "Who did we disrupt with? Wasn't it Max?" But there Max was - hanging out with us. We'd disrupted with someone, though, which made this happen and work out.

We were also talking about an upcoming backpacking trip and I said to the boy, "Who would you want to stay with? Who is your favorite adult who isn't here?"

He was thinking and looking sad about the question, when I realized it wasn't Max. For one, he was Caucasian and, I think, younger - maybe 3 or 4? At any rate, it was another boy, whom I really loved and cared about and was truly my child. I hugged him and said, "Don't worry. We wouldn't leave you behind. How could we be without you for days?"

And then we were mock wrestling and giggling. Davan was helping Anthony with something. It was this lovely family scene. It felt right and I said to Anthony, "We had to disrupt with Max for this to happen. It's wonderful, though. We're so lucky."

I woke up feeling so happy and so right. Then, when I realized that it wasn't the case, I felt a little melancholy. Still, though, we have that feeling of happiness now, even if it is just the three of us. We weren't getting that before.

I'd say it's a sign - that we're meant to battle on and find the right child, but I know that it's totally not an option for Anthony. He is done. And I'm very gun shy. So, I'll probably just have mild feelings of wistfulness off and on for years.

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