I've been thinking that maybe I need to change the picture on my blog now. I will eventually. Probably when I find a new good one that's just the three of us. I'm kind of working on letting things naturally phase out rather than getting rid off all things Max right away.
For example, we still have his art work up on the wall of our toy room. I've told Davan that, as she wants to put new pictures up, she can take down any old ones she wants. The rule before was that you had to take down one of your own pictures if you were putting up a new one.
We still have our family portrait up in the living room. We'll replace it at some point, but the one with Max won't get put away in a drawer or where ever, either.
Our screen saver on the computer is all family pictures. Eventually there will be more that don't have Max than that do, but for now he's still showing up.
This is as it should be. He's been a part of our family for a long time. He's made his mark. I'm okay with that.
Now for the chilling part. Davan is off to Blue Lake Park for a few hours with friends shortly. Do you know what that means? It means I have time to myself for a few hours! Who-hoo! Davan, of course, also has gymnastics and I could take that time to myself, but she likes it when I stay, I enjoy watching, I can read my book just as easily there as at home (mostly) and it saves gas not to be dropping her off. So, the gymnastics time isn't really the same as her being picked up and taken someplace.
As it happens, though, I won't be staying at home and chilling the whole time. I have library needs, so I'm thinking I'll walk over there and then I also have Marionberry needs. Our local farm stand is selling them for $14 for a full flat this week, which is about half price. Who-hoo! Of course, that would be a little difficult to carry home, so I'm trying to decide if I need to take the car or bike/trailer out for that or if I can, indeed carry them home. It's about a half mile probably.
Okay. I'm off to help Davan with any last minute preparation for her outing.
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Good-Bye
We had our good-bye meeting with Max yesterday. The wait was hard, anticipating what it would be like. The good-bye itself? Well....we were glad to see Max walk in and come over and hug us right away. The first few minutes of seeing him and seeing how he was doing were sweet.
A (therapist) came over and took Davan to a different room while we cuddled a bit. Then, when A came back, she reminded Max of what was happening. He held onto me and cried. He'd been told the day before what was happening and had helped A write a letter to us. I offered to read him the letter we'd written to him. He wanted that and stopped crying right away and smiling and laughing at the pictures and the memories. He was also his usual fidgety self and moved so quickly past the crying...It wasn't long before he was bored with the pictures and wanted us to all go upstairs so we could play. That was when A took him to see Davan.
They drew a picture together and Davan tells us that Max was acting up and silly, but it was okay because she hadn't expected him to be otherwise.
When they came back up, we gave Max the good-bye cards and things that people had given us to give him. Then it was time for good-bye. A took Davan out of the room so we could say our final good-bye and then get Max into Barbara's car. Max, at this point, was mostly concerned with his snack and juice and sticker. He had no trouble getting into the car. He did look a little hang-dog, but it really felt like it was a "practice" emotion, as A would say - something he felt like he was supposed to feel rather than really did.
Davan really broke down when we were getting him out to the car, great big sobs. It was so sad to see.
Anthony and I mostly felt like we'd let Max and Davan down, but that it was the right decision and we were okay. When we were processing after, we both agreed that Max mostly seemed scared by the future rather than upset about leaving us.
We talked with Davan over the course of the evening about how she was feeling. She said she missed Max and was sad for him. We talked about that she was thinking he was feeling the way she would if she had to leave, but he didn't feel the way she would. We asked if she could undo him moving away, would she? It was a very fast, emphatic no for that one. We hugged her and reassured her that it would never happen to her. We stayed for her gymnastics practice, as she was feeling a little fragile. I also read to her extra long at bed time last night.
This morning, she's been back to normal so far. As I was typing in the last paragraph, Max's case worker and new foster mom showed up to get his things. We loaded up and they were gone in about 15 minutes. Davan helped carry out. Davan and I were hugging when his new foster mom came up to us and gave us both a hug and said, "Don't worry about him. He's going to be okay. Take care of yourselves."
His case worker said, "Okay. Thanks. Take care." And they were off.
Davan and I came back in the house and I said to her, "Kind of awkward, no?"
"Yeah. A stranger hugging us. Weird." Then she was back to enthusiastic play with Ari (her rat).
So, that seems to be that. They only thing I'd wanted to get done and didn't was making a disk or two of all the pictures we took when Max was living with us. I'd hand picked some, which still totaled nearly 100 pictures, but there were a lot more. Unfortunately, there were technical difficulties. I'll still do it and give it to Barbara who will be able to pass it on.
What it all seems to boil down to is that it was the right decision for us. The only thing that might have been better would have been to do it sooner, like when we'd first met and knew it wasn't right. That would have been better for all of us, probably. Although, my mom pointed out that, by hanging on as long as we did, we've probably cleared ourselves of "What ifs" - What if he was just wiggy about meeting new people when we first met? What if he would have settled into our family given a few months? What if we'd tried homeschooling? What if we'd sent him to school? What if we'd tried medication? What if we'd gone to therapy? What if I'd tried this technique or that technique for parenting troubled kids?
Well, we have our answers to those questions. It still didn't work. We were still a poor match. I hope, really, really hope that he finds what he needs. Good-bye Max.
A (therapist) came over and took Davan to a different room while we cuddled a bit. Then, when A came back, she reminded Max of what was happening. He held onto me and cried. He'd been told the day before what was happening and had helped A write a letter to us. I offered to read him the letter we'd written to him. He wanted that and stopped crying right away and smiling and laughing at the pictures and the memories. He was also his usual fidgety self and moved so quickly past the crying...It wasn't long before he was bored with the pictures and wanted us to all go upstairs so we could play. That was when A took him to see Davan.
They drew a picture together and Davan tells us that Max was acting up and silly, but it was okay because she hadn't expected him to be otherwise.
When they came back up, we gave Max the good-bye cards and things that people had given us to give him. Then it was time for good-bye. A took Davan out of the room so we could say our final good-bye and then get Max into Barbara's car. Max, at this point, was mostly concerned with his snack and juice and sticker. He had no trouble getting into the car. He did look a little hang-dog, but it really felt like it was a "practice" emotion, as A would say - something he felt like he was supposed to feel rather than really did.
Davan really broke down when we were getting him out to the car, great big sobs. It was so sad to see.
Anthony and I mostly felt like we'd let Max and Davan down, but that it was the right decision and we were okay. When we were processing after, we both agreed that Max mostly seemed scared by the future rather than upset about leaving us.
We talked with Davan over the course of the evening about how she was feeling. She said she missed Max and was sad for him. We talked about that she was thinking he was feeling the way she would if she had to leave, but he didn't feel the way she would. We asked if she could undo him moving away, would she? It was a very fast, emphatic no for that one. We hugged her and reassured her that it would never happen to her. We stayed for her gymnastics practice, as she was feeling a little fragile. I also read to her extra long at bed time last night.
This morning, she's been back to normal so far. As I was typing in the last paragraph, Max's case worker and new foster mom showed up to get his things. We loaded up and they were gone in about 15 minutes. Davan helped carry out. Davan and I were hugging when his new foster mom came up to us and gave us both a hug and said, "Don't worry about him. He's going to be okay. Take care of yourselves."
His case worker said, "Okay. Thanks. Take care." And they were off.
Davan and I came back in the house and I said to her, "Kind of awkward, no?"
"Yeah. A stranger hugging us. Weird." Then she was back to enthusiastic play with Ari (her rat).
So, that seems to be that. They only thing I'd wanted to get done and didn't was making a disk or two of all the pictures we took when Max was living with us. I'd hand picked some, which still totaled nearly 100 pictures, but there were a lot more. Unfortunately, there were technical difficulties. I'll still do it and give it to Barbara who will be able to pass it on.
What it all seems to boil down to is that it was the right decision for us. The only thing that might have been better would have been to do it sooner, like when we'd first met and knew it wasn't right. That would have been better for all of us, probably. Although, my mom pointed out that, by hanging on as long as we did, we've probably cleared ourselves of "What ifs" - What if he was just wiggy about meeting new people when we first met? What if he would have settled into our family given a few months? What if we'd tried homeschooling? What if we'd sent him to school? What if we'd tried medication? What if we'd gone to therapy? What if I'd tried this technique or that technique for parenting troubled kids?
Well, we have our answers to those questions. It still didn't work. We were still a poor match. I hope, really, really hope that he finds what he needs. Good-bye Max.
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Comfort from the Dark Side
Barbara stopped by yesterday evening to drop off a few things. She told us how the telling of Max had gone yesterday (he was shocked and sad, but she said it went okay) and a little feedback from the psychologist (the initial word is that Max has frontal lobe problems, which makes processing new information difficult) and generally chit-chatted for a while.
Now, as I think that Barbara is rather a ditz and has a strange filter on how she sees the world, I probably shouldn't let myself be comforted by her. She, though, also told us that A, Max's therapist, says emphatically that we fostered so much growth in Max and that he gained so much from being in our family for a year and a half. That felt good to hear because I think of A as being totally anti us these days.
Barbara said that she understands that we will need to take a break and process, but then, if we want to try again to adopt, she would be happy work work with us. Wow. We totally didn't expect that. However, we, well, Anthony mostly who has put his foot down about this issue, will not be going that route again. Mostly I think he's right, but I'm also sad about it.
Barbara suggested that if we didn't want to try to adopt again that maybe we'd be interested in doing teen foster case, something else we'd been talking about before adopting Max as something we might do when the kids were out of the house. Yeah, well, I guess you never know, but I'm thinking probably not on that, as well.
Anthony said, after Barbara left, that they are just hard up for adoptive and foster parents and that's why she's still willing, but she seemed very genuine about it. She said she felt like we had a lot to offer a child and that it was really just a poor match with Max, which, of course, rings true because that's how I feel!
This morning, I'm working on burning pictures to a disk and I have two pictures to paste into Max's life book. Then I'm done and we'll be off to lunch with Tad-ku (my step dad) and then to the good-bye meeting. I'm a little anxious, but doing okay. Keeping busy is helpful, I guess.
Now, as I think that Barbara is rather a ditz and has a strange filter on how she sees the world, I probably shouldn't let myself be comforted by her. She, though, also told us that A, Max's therapist, says emphatically that we fostered so much growth in Max and that he gained so much from being in our family for a year and a half. That felt good to hear because I think of A as being totally anti us these days.
Barbara said that she understands that we will need to take a break and process, but then, if we want to try again to adopt, she would be happy work work with us. Wow. We totally didn't expect that. However, we, well, Anthony mostly who has put his foot down about this issue, will not be going that route again. Mostly I think he's right, but I'm also sad about it.
Barbara suggested that if we didn't want to try to adopt again that maybe we'd be interested in doing teen foster case, something else we'd been talking about before adopting Max as something we might do when the kids were out of the house. Yeah, well, I guess you never know, but I'm thinking probably not on that, as well.
Anthony said, after Barbara left, that they are just hard up for adoptive and foster parents and that's why she's still willing, but she seemed very genuine about it. She said she felt like we had a lot to offer a child and that it was really just a poor match with Max, which, of course, rings true because that's how I feel!
This morning, I'm working on burning pictures to a disk and I have two pictures to paste into Max's life book. Then I'm done and we'll be off to lunch with Tad-ku (my step dad) and then to the good-bye meeting. I'm a little anxious, but doing okay. Keeping busy is helpful, I guess.
Monday, July 28, 2008
Letter, Take 2
Dear Max/Judea,
We found out that we'd been chosen to be your family on November 28th, 2006. It was just two days after Nicholina's birthday and it was such a great gift. Nicholina, Mom, was so excited to find out that you were going to come and be her little boy. She and Anthony, Dad, had been hoping to be your parents for a long time! Davan was very excited about having a little brother, too, and all three told everyone they knew.
Two weeks later, Anthony and Nicholina got to meet you. We came to see you at the Knowlton's house, were you had lived for more than two years. You gave Anthony a big hug the moment we walked in the door. We'd brought a football, which you loved, and we played catch outside with your new football. It was exciting to get to know each other.
After 10 days of getting to know each other and visits back and forth, you moved in and, as far as we were concerned, became an O'Donnell. We were very happy to be a family of four. There were some rough times, though. You missed your foster brothers and were angry a lot. Sometimes you told us that we'd kidnapped you from the Knowlton's.
Over the next year and a half, we all – you, Anthony, Nicholina and Davan - tried very hard to be a family together. Sometimes we did a good job and sometimes we didn't. We did a lot of fun things together. We went to the park often. We camped and did some hiking. We played a lot of Family Rotational Fun, where everyone got to chose 1-3 things for the family to do all together. We had pizza and movie nights. We played games together. We read books together in the mornings and at bed times, most every day. Sometimes we read more. We played basketball in the driveway. We played a lot of catch. We went to lots of your basketball, soccer and football games. You love sports and do really well at them!
There were some highlights to your year and a half as an O'Donnell, in addition to the everyday sorts of things.
We had our first Christmas together just after you moved in, which was hard because we’d just met and now were having a big holiday together. We were so happy to have you, our new son, with us for Christmas, though. You got a lot of Legos from friends and family. You loved the Legos, but they proved to be a frustration, as well. You were not ready to build them yet, hated it when other people worked on them for you (even though you wanted the finished product) and were very annoyed when they would fall apart when you were playing. We realized other toys would have been better, but you were so new as part of our family that we didn't know!
You also got a bike that first Christmas and it was only a couple of months before you were riding it with no training wheels. One day, Nicholina and you were working on learning to ride and you got it! It was very exciting. Davan took some pictures of you riding, with just a little help getting started from Nicholina. You really enjoyed riding your bike around for fun once you got the hang of it.
You lost four teeth while you were here. The first one was lost at basketball practice. Practice had to be stopped so that we could find your tooth! The forth one was lost at a football game. You picked it up off the grass and ran to the sidelines, yelling, “I lost my tooth! I lost my tooth!” Everyone gasped until Anthony let everyone know it had been loose for a while and then everyone laughed. The tooth fairy brought you a toy each time you left a tooth for her. One of the things she brought you was a Batman grapple hook.
We went to Disneyland twice while we were a family of four. You liked Disneyland well, although the first time we went, the traveling was difficult for you. We were visiting family, too, and you were nervous about staying at other people's houses. Even so, you loved the rides. For you, the roller coasters and the bumper cars were the best. You didn't like the Tower of Terror, though!
After you'd lived with us for a year, we talked with you about maybe changing your name to something other than Judea. You were hesitant, at first, which was understandable. After all, you'd been Judea all your life so far and didn't know what it would be like to be called something else. We were in the middle of a trip to Disneyland when we brought up being called by a new name. You, Anthony, Davan and Nicholina decided to play a game and call each other something new for a day. Dad (Anthony) chose to be called Wally. Nicholina was Jenica and Davan was Jessica for the day. You were Michael Jordan! We had fun playing the game and you decided to give Max a try for a few days after Nicholina suggested it.
For quite a while (months!), you liked being called Max, but still wanted to be called Judea at school, so that's what we did. After a few months, you sometimes said you wanted to be called Judea, but when we offered to, you said we should still call you Max. We were really hoping to go forward with your adoption and planned for it the whole time you lived here. We planned to make both Max and Judea part of your name when you were adopted so you could be called either name as you so choose.
While you lived here, you went to Highland Elementary for some of Kindergarten and all of first grade. Your first grade teacher's name was Mrs. McAllister. You enjoyed school most of the time and were a very bright student. We had homeschooled you for part of Kindergarten, but you really loved going to school, so that's what you did for first grade.
After a year and a half had gone by, things were still very difficult for the four of us as a family, even though we’d all been trying hard. We, along with Barbara (our adoption worker, who also acted as a caseworker for you while you lived with us), Lisa (your caseworker) and Alison (your therapist) finally came to the decision that we were unable to provide you with a safe and happy place to grow up. It was very sad for us to realize this. We really had wanted you to grow up with us. We were very sorry that we'd said we would be your growing up family, but then it had to be otherwise. We really had worked toward adoption the whole time we were a family of four.
When you first moved in, you were angry a lot. After a couple of months, you started hitting Nicholina when you were mad. You looked for reasons to fight. We went to therapy. Nicholina and Anthony read a lot of books to try to figure out how to help. We worked very hard to help you overcome your anger and violence and you worked very hard, too. After a while, the hitting got better. You were still angry often, but not all the time. Things were a little easier for a while, although getting along as a family continued to be a challenge. There was still a lot of anger and hostility. Sometimes Nicholina and Anthony would loose their temper and yell, too. Sometimes we had to wrestle you into your room to give everyone a chance to cool down. It was a hard way for everyone to live.
A little over a year after you moved in, you started being angry most of the time again. You started having trouble with being angry at school. You started trying to hurt Nicholina again sometimes. You were very angry and confused. You told us that you hadn't understood that you were not going to live with the Knowltons forever. You started threatening to run away when you didn't like what was happening at home. Then you did leave out of your bedroom window a few times. Meanwhile, Anthony and Nicholina did not always do a good job of managing their anger, either. It was very difficult for everyone.
We, along with the caseworkers, realized that we were not the best family for you to grow up with. We hope that the family that you do grow up with feels more like a family to you. We hope you understand that your caseworker will do the best job she can of finding you the right family. We know that you have a lot of love and caring in your heart and can do well in a family. You are a really special little boy.
During the good times, of which there were many, you loved to cuddle with Anthony or Nicholina. You always enjoyed a lap to sit on. One of the things you told us you liked best about Nicholina was sitting on her lap, reading a book and hearing about what was planned for the day as you were just getting up in the mornings. We enjoyed cuddling with you, as well.
You and Davan enjoyed playing together sometimes, too. Davan wrote up “Max cards” for you with things for you and her to do together. You would ask her to do Max cards with you. You and she also liked to play the chocolate game where she’d chase you, looking for chocolate to eat (you for pretend) and you’d trick her with things like shoes, telling her they were chocolate. She’d pretend to taste it, say, “Yuck, that’s not chocolate!” and the chase would be on again. You’d just giggle and giggle.
You liked to wrestle and were very happy when Nicholina or Anthony would get down on the floor and wrestle or play “get off the couch” with you. You really liked being tickled, as well, and would invite tickling by laying down, hunching over like you were trying to protect your ticklish spots, giggling and looking at us like you were saying, “What are you waiting for?”
You and Anthony enjoyed playing video games and soccer together. You and Nicholina had fun times with the aerobe (like a Frisbee) at the park together and reading with Nicholina reading to you. You liked that Nicholina made your meals for you, but really loved when we all ate out together.
While you were an O’Donnell, you enjoyed drawing and made some pretty great pictures. You also got interested in paper airplanes when some friends showed you how to do it and made lots of them. And, of course, there was your love of sports and video games throughout!
You also enjoyed both the morning and bedtime finger rhyme Nicholina did with you. The morning one went like this:
There was an old woman who lived in a shoe.
She had so many children, she knew just what to do.
She hugged them and rocked them and tucked them in bed.
I love you, I love you, is what she said.
The evening one went like this:
This little finger was very tired.
This little finger was, too.
This little finger said, “Good night!”
This little finger said, “Me, too.”
The thumb said, “Look out, make some room for me!” and jumped into the bed.
They all cuddled and rocked and rested their sleepy little heads.
We are sad to say good-bye. We think of you all the time and hope that you are doing well. We hope you find a growing up family where you are cherished, safe and happy most of the time.
Love,
Nicholina and Anthony
We found out that we'd been chosen to be your family on November 28th, 2006. It was just two days after Nicholina's birthday and it was such a great gift. Nicholina, Mom, was so excited to find out that you were going to come and be her little boy. She and Anthony, Dad, had been hoping to be your parents for a long time! Davan was very excited about having a little brother, too, and all three told everyone they knew.
Two weeks later, Anthony and Nicholina got to meet you. We came to see you at the Knowlton's house, were you had lived for more than two years. You gave Anthony a big hug the moment we walked in the door. We'd brought a football, which you loved, and we played catch outside with your new football. It was exciting to get to know each other.
After 10 days of getting to know each other and visits back and forth, you moved in and, as far as we were concerned, became an O'Donnell. We were very happy to be a family of four. There were some rough times, though. You missed your foster brothers and were angry a lot. Sometimes you told us that we'd kidnapped you from the Knowlton's.
Over the next year and a half, we all – you, Anthony, Nicholina and Davan - tried very hard to be a family together. Sometimes we did a good job and sometimes we didn't. We did a lot of fun things together. We went to the park often. We camped and did some hiking. We played a lot of Family Rotational Fun, where everyone got to chose 1-3 things for the family to do all together. We had pizza and movie nights. We played games together. We read books together in the mornings and at bed times, most every day. Sometimes we read more. We played basketball in the driveway. We played a lot of catch. We went to lots of your basketball, soccer and football games. You love sports and do really well at them!
There were some highlights to your year and a half as an O'Donnell, in addition to the everyday sorts of things.
We had our first Christmas together just after you moved in, which was hard because we’d just met and now were having a big holiday together. We were so happy to have you, our new son, with us for Christmas, though. You got a lot of Legos from friends and family. You loved the Legos, but they proved to be a frustration, as well. You were not ready to build them yet, hated it when other people worked on them for you (even though you wanted the finished product) and were very annoyed when they would fall apart when you were playing. We realized other toys would have been better, but you were so new as part of our family that we didn't know!
You also got a bike that first Christmas and it was only a couple of months before you were riding it with no training wheels. One day, Nicholina and you were working on learning to ride and you got it! It was very exciting. Davan took some pictures of you riding, with just a little help getting started from Nicholina. You really enjoyed riding your bike around for fun once you got the hang of it.
You lost four teeth while you were here. The first one was lost at basketball practice. Practice had to be stopped so that we could find your tooth! The forth one was lost at a football game. You picked it up off the grass and ran to the sidelines, yelling, “I lost my tooth! I lost my tooth!” Everyone gasped until Anthony let everyone know it had been loose for a while and then everyone laughed. The tooth fairy brought you a toy each time you left a tooth for her. One of the things she brought you was a Batman grapple hook.
We went to Disneyland twice while we were a family of four. You liked Disneyland well, although the first time we went, the traveling was difficult for you. We were visiting family, too, and you were nervous about staying at other people's houses. Even so, you loved the rides. For you, the roller coasters and the bumper cars were the best. You didn't like the Tower of Terror, though!
After you'd lived with us for a year, we talked with you about maybe changing your name to something other than Judea. You were hesitant, at first, which was understandable. After all, you'd been Judea all your life so far and didn't know what it would be like to be called something else. We were in the middle of a trip to Disneyland when we brought up being called by a new name. You, Anthony, Davan and Nicholina decided to play a game and call each other something new for a day. Dad (Anthony) chose to be called Wally. Nicholina was Jenica and Davan was Jessica for the day. You were Michael Jordan! We had fun playing the game and you decided to give Max a try for a few days after Nicholina suggested it.
For quite a while (months!), you liked being called Max, but still wanted to be called Judea at school, so that's what we did. After a few months, you sometimes said you wanted to be called Judea, but when we offered to, you said we should still call you Max. We were really hoping to go forward with your adoption and planned for it the whole time you lived here. We planned to make both Max and Judea part of your name when you were adopted so you could be called either name as you so choose.
While you lived here, you went to Highland Elementary for some of Kindergarten and all of first grade. Your first grade teacher's name was Mrs. McAllister. You enjoyed school most of the time and were a very bright student. We had homeschooled you for part of Kindergarten, but you really loved going to school, so that's what you did for first grade.
After a year and a half had gone by, things were still very difficult for the four of us as a family, even though we’d all been trying hard. We, along with Barbara (our adoption worker, who also acted as a caseworker for you while you lived with us), Lisa (your caseworker) and Alison (your therapist) finally came to the decision that we were unable to provide you with a safe and happy place to grow up. It was very sad for us to realize this. We really had wanted you to grow up with us. We were very sorry that we'd said we would be your growing up family, but then it had to be otherwise. We really had worked toward adoption the whole time we were a family of four.
When you first moved in, you were angry a lot. After a couple of months, you started hitting Nicholina when you were mad. You looked for reasons to fight. We went to therapy. Nicholina and Anthony read a lot of books to try to figure out how to help. We worked very hard to help you overcome your anger and violence and you worked very hard, too. After a while, the hitting got better. You were still angry often, but not all the time. Things were a little easier for a while, although getting along as a family continued to be a challenge. There was still a lot of anger and hostility. Sometimes Nicholina and Anthony would loose their temper and yell, too. Sometimes we had to wrestle you into your room to give everyone a chance to cool down. It was a hard way for everyone to live.
A little over a year after you moved in, you started being angry most of the time again. You started having trouble with being angry at school. You started trying to hurt Nicholina again sometimes. You were very angry and confused. You told us that you hadn't understood that you were not going to live with the Knowltons forever. You started threatening to run away when you didn't like what was happening at home. Then you did leave out of your bedroom window a few times. Meanwhile, Anthony and Nicholina did not always do a good job of managing their anger, either. It was very difficult for everyone.
We, along with the caseworkers, realized that we were not the best family for you to grow up with. We hope that the family that you do grow up with feels more like a family to you. We hope you understand that your caseworker will do the best job she can of finding you the right family. We know that you have a lot of love and caring in your heart and can do well in a family. You are a really special little boy.
During the good times, of which there were many, you loved to cuddle with Anthony or Nicholina. You always enjoyed a lap to sit on. One of the things you told us you liked best about Nicholina was sitting on her lap, reading a book and hearing about what was planned for the day as you were just getting up in the mornings. We enjoyed cuddling with you, as well.
You and Davan enjoyed playing together sometimes, too. Davan wrote up “Max cards” for you with things for you and her to do together. You would ask her to do Max cards with you. You and she also liked to play the chocolate game where she’d chase you, looking for chocolate to eat (you for pretend) and you’d trick her with things like shoes, telling her they were chocolate. She’d pretend to taste it, say, “Yuck, that’s not chocolate!” and the chase would be on again. You’d just giggle and giggle.
You liked to wrestle and were very happy when Nicholina or Anthony would get down on the floor and wrestle or play “get off the couch” with you. You really liked being tickled, as well, and would invite tickling by laying down, hunching over like you were trying to protect your ticklish spots, giggling and looking at us like you were saying, “What are you waiting for?”
You and Anthony enjoyed playing video games and soccer together. You and Nicholina had fun times with the aerobe (like a Frisbee) at the park together and reading with Nicholina reading to you. You liked that Nicholina made your meals for you, but really loved when we all ate out together.
While you were an O’Donnell, you enjoyed drawing and made some pretty great pictures. You also got interested in paper airplanes when some friends showed you how to do it and made lots of them. And, of course, there was your love of sports and video games throughout!
You also enjoyed both the morning and bedtime finger rhyme Nicholina did with you. The morning one went like this:
There was an old woman who lived in a shoe.
She had so many children, she knew just what to do.
She hugged them and rocked them and tucked them in bed.
I love you, I love you, is what she said.
The evening one went like this:
This little finger was very tired.
This little finger was, too.
This little finger said, “Good night!”
This little finger said, “Me, too.”
The thumb said, “Look out, make some room for me!” and jumped into the bed.
They all cuddled and rocked and rested their sleepy little heads.
We are sad to say good-bye. We think of you all the time and hope that you are doing well. We hope you find a growing up family where you are cherished, safe and happy most of the time.
Love,
Nicholina and Anthony
I'm Back
I'm glad to be home after my visit with Chris. We had a great time with a lot of walking and playing cards. And a lot of eating. We also got in a visit with a high school friend and a yoga class that was really good.
While I'm glad to be home, it's also bitter sweet. I was very glad to see Davan and Anthony and be home in time to see Davan's gymnastics routine she'd been working on over the weekend (very Cir 'de Sole-ish), read to her at bedtime and watch an episode of "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" (our current after Davan is in bed indulgence) with Anthony before bed.
However, it's also the day that Max is told that he's not coming back. I have to finish my pages for his life book and get his photo album together. Tomorrow we have to say good-bye. His case worker will be coming to get his belongings on Wednesday. At least, I think she will be. We haven't had a finalization about that or a time set yet. This will all be hard. Today is hard already. Many thanks to my friend and commenter, ami, who will be spending some time with me and her daughter with Davan this afternoon while I work on the life book and photo album.
I've made some changes to the letter and will post it again.
While I'm glad to be home, it's also bitter sweet. I was very glad to see Davan and Anthony and be home in time to see Davan's gymnastics routine she'd been working on over the weekend (very Cir 'de Sole-ish), read to her at bedtime and watch an episode of "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" (our current after Davan is in bed indulgence) with Anthony before bed.
However, it's also the day that Max is told that he's not coming back. I have to finish my pages for his life book and get his photo album together. Tomorrow we have to say good-bye. His case worker will be coming to get his belongings on Wednesday. At least, I think she will be. We haven't had a finalization about that or a time set yet. This will all be hard. Today is hard already. Many thanks to my friend and commenter, ami, who will be spending some time with me and her daughter with Davan this afternoon while I work on the life book and photo album.
I've made some changes to the letter and will post it again.
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
Going Visiting
I'm off today to see my best friend, Chris. Yes, she was just here. Yes, it's only been a couple of months since I last went to see her. We planned two trips close together because she's in Colorado, ostensibly house sitting for her parents (turns out they will be there, rather than traveling, but that's another story), which makes the trip much faster and cheaper.
I have to admit to feeling a little guilty about planning it when we did. I felt like it was maybe too much time away from my family. And Max was still here when it was planned. And Davan kind of freaked out about the last time I left, even though she thinks it's great that I get to visit my friend. However, I won't go again for a while after this....and I made it a bit shorter than I might have if I hadn't been feeling guilty.
I don't leave until this evening and I get back Sunday evening well before bed time.
After Max left, I felt guilty about the timing. We have to plan his move around this trip, in part. Would Davan be okay with me leaving when we'd just had this major disruption?
Well, it seemed she would be. Yesterday afternoon at gymnastics, I was telling a friend how calm and collected she seemed to be about the whole affair. We were speculating about what a difference a calm home life can mean. Gee, what's the difference between this visit and the last one? A lack of a disturbed brother. All felt okay in regards to the trip and I let my guard down to enjoy our last evening together before I go.
Fast forward to about an hour after Davan fell asleep while I was still reading, but very close to turning out the light. She showed up in our room, crying. She'd had a dream that I'd left and not come back. I comforted her, hugged her and she went on back to bed.
She came back about a half an hour later, with me well into trying to sleep myself, crying because she couldn't fall back asleep and kept thinking about me leaving. Now, during the day, I'd have a lot of patience for this. She's going through a rough time right now, after all. And I'm leaving. Temporarily, of course, but still leaving.
At night, though? Well, night time parenting isn't where I shine. I have sleep fixations. I have a hard time falling asleep myself. The hardest thing about her 0-3 years or so was the sleep deprivation. I was always, always tired.
Davan used to sleep with us. She was four when we moved into our new-to-us house and started mostly sleeping in her own room. She still joined us many nights, but not in our bed, as we'd gone down to a double with the move. She'd sleep on a mat on the floor in her sleeping bag. This worked for a while...
Anthony really wanted her in her own room, so we worked on it. She'd go back for a stretch, then have a bad night and come back. That would have been okay - every now and then coming for a night, but one night would lead to the next and the next and it'd be an issue again.
When Max moved in, we finally put our foot down. Davan needed to be in her own room. By this time, she'd been in her own room to sleep the vast majority of the time anyway. Anthony was adamant about Max not getting any ideas about sleeping in our room. I found that when I did sleep in the same room as the kids, I slept very poorly now. I couldn't sleep though the night time breathing, shifting, talking in sleep. Sometimes, though, I think the bonding of all sleeping in our room might have been beneficial. Or maybe it would have driven me completely bonkers - being sleep deprived on top of all the day time behaviors.
Back to last night. Davan is there, crying, "I don't know what to do! What should I do, Mom?" Now, as open as I am to giving advice, whenever I've done so at night like this, no matter how calmly delivered, I get grief, "I can't think about good things! I hate counting! I can't lay still and breath deeply!"
So, last night, at our second encounter, I said, grumpily, "I don't know what you should do, Davan. Whatever I say, you'll tell me you can't do it. I'm sorry you're having a hard time. I hate not being able to sleep. Yes, I'm leaving, but, yes, I'm coming back. Wild horses couldn't keep me away from you. I'd never leave and not come back. Good luck with the sleep."
She left, crying even louder. I temporarily felt badly about this, but, it didn't last. She was asleep very shortly there after and so was I. Sometimes these night time episodes have lasted hours....maybe being grumpy is the way to go. Or maybe I shouldn't make a habit out of it. Whichever.
This morning, Davan just woke up with a smile on her face and, after our morning hug and song, is off to tackle chores. I should join her.
I have to admit to feeling a little guilty about planning it when we did. I felt like it was maybe too much time away from my family. And Max was still here when it was planned. And Davan kind of freaked out about the last time I left, even though she thinks it's great that I get to visit my friend. However, I won't go again for a while after this....and I made it a bit shorter than I might have if I hadn't been feeling guilty.
I don't leave until this evening and I get back Sunday evening well before bed time.
After Max left, I felt guilty about the timing. We have to plan his move around this trip, in part. Would Davan be okay with me leaving when we'd just had this major disruption?
Well, it seemed she would be. Yesterday afternoon at gymnastics, I was telling a friend how calm and collected she seemed to be about the whole affair. We were speculating about what a difference a calm home life can mean. Gee, what's the difference between this visit and the last one? A lack of a disturbed brother. All felt okay in regards to the trip and I let my guard down to enjoy our last evening together before I go.
Fast forward to about an hour after Davan fell asleep while I was still reading, but very close to turning out the light. She showed up in our room, crying. She'd had a dream that I'd left and not come back. I comforted her, hugged her and she went on back to bed.
She came back about a half an hour later, with me well into trying to sleep myself, crying because she couldn't fall back asleep and kept thinking about me leaving. Now, during the day, I'd have a lot of patience for this. She's going through a rough time right now, after all. And I'm leaving. Temporarily, of course, but still leaving.
At night, though? Well, night time parenting isn't where I shine. I have sleep fixations. I have a hard time falling asleep myself. The hardest thing about her 0-3 years or so was the sleep deprivation. I was always, always tired.
Davan used to sleep with us. She was four when we moved into our new-to-us house and started mostly sleeping in her own room. She still joined us many nights, but not in our bed, as we'd gone down to a double with the move. She'd sleep on a mat on the floor in her sleeping bag. This worked for a while...
Anthony really wanted her in her own room, so we worked on it. She'd go back for a stretch, then have a bad night and come back. That would have been okay - every now and then coming for a night, but one night would lead to the next and the next and it'd be an issue again.
When Max moved in, we finally put our foot down. Davan needed to be in her own room. By this time, she'd been in her own room to sleep the vast majority of the time anyway. Anthony was adamant about Max not getting any ideas about sleeping in our room. I found that when I did sleep in the same room as the kids, I slept very poorly now. I couldn't sleep though the night time breathing, shifting, talking in sleep. Sometimes, though, I think the bonding of all sleeping in our room might have been beneficial. Or maybe it would have driven me completely bonkers - being sleep deprived on top of all the day time behaviors.
Back to last night. Davan is there, crying, "I don't know what to do! What should I do, Mom?" Now, as open as I am to giving advice, whenever I've done so at night like this, no matter how calmly delivered, I get grief, "I can't think about good things! I hate counting! I can't lay still and breath deeply!"
So, last night, at our second encounter, I said, grumpily, "I don't know what you should do, Davan. Whatever I say, you'll tell me you can't do it. I'm sorry you're having a hard time. I hate not being able to sleep. Yes, I'm leaving, but, yes, I'm coming back. Wild horses couldn't keep me away from you. I'd never leave and not come back. Good luck with the sleep."
She left, crying even louder. I temporarily felt badly about this, but, it didn't last. She was asleep very shortly there after and so was I. Sometimes these night time episodes have lasted hours....maybe being grumpy is the way to go. Or maybe I shouldn't make a habit out of it. Whichever.
This morning, Davan just woke up with a smile on her face and, after our morning hug and song, is off to tackle chores. I should join her.
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
Letter to Max
Dear Max/Judea, We found out that we'd been chosen to be your family on November 28th, 2006. It was just two days after Nicholina's birthday and it was such a great gift. Nicholina, Mom, was so excited to find out that you were going to come and be her little boy. She and Anthony, Dad, had been hoping to be your parents for a long time! Davan was very excited about having a little brother, too, and all three told everyone they knew. Two weeks later, Anthony and Nicholina got to meet you. We came to see you at the Knowlton's house, were you had lived for more than two years. You gave Anthony a big hug the moment we walked in the door. We'd brought a football, which you loved, and we played catch outside with your new football. It was exciting to get to know each other. After 10 days of getting to know each other and visits back and forth, you moved in and, as far as we were concerned, became an O'Donnell. We were very happy to be a family of four. There were some rough times, though. You missed your foster brothers and were angry a lot. Sometimes you told us that we'd kidnapped you from the Knowlton's. Over the next year and a half, we all tried very hard to be a family together. Sometimes we did a good job and sometimes we didn't. We did a lot of fun things together. We went to the park often. We camped and did some hiking. We played a lot of Family Rotational Fun, where everyone got to chose 1-3 things for the family to do all together. We had pizza and movie nights. We played games together. We read books together in the mornings and at bed times, most every day. Sometimes we read more. We played basketball in the driveway. We played a lot of catch. We went to lots of your basketball, soccer and football games. You love sports and do really well at them! There were some highlights to your year and a half as an O'Donnell, in addition to the everyday sorts of things. We had our first Christmas together just after you moved in. You got a lot of Legos from friends and family. You loved the Legos, but they proved to be a frustration, as well. You were not ready to build them yet, hated it when other people worked on them for you (even though you wanted the finished product) and were very annoyed when they would fall apart when you were playing. We realized other toys would have been better, but you were so new as part of our family that we didn't know! You also got a bike that first Christmas and it was only a couple of months before you were riding it with no training wheels. You really enjoyed riding your bike around for fun once you got the hang of it. You lost four teeth while you were here. The first one was lost at basketball practice. Practice had to be stopped so that we could find your tooth! The forth one was lost at a football game, but ended up in your bite plate, so it wasn't hard to find. We went to Disneyland twice while we were a family of four. You liked Disneyland well, although the first time we went, the traveling was difficult for you. We were visiting family, too, and you were nervous about staying at other people's houses. Even so, you loved the rides. For you, the roller coasters and the bumper cars were the best. You didn't like the Tower of Terror, though! After you'd lived with us for a year, we talked with you about maybe changing your name to something other than Judea. You were hesitant, at first, which was understandable. After all, you'd been Judea all your life so far and didn't know what it would be like to be called something else. We were in the middle of a trip to Disneyland when we brought up being called by a new name. You, Anthony, Davan and Nicholina decided to play a game and call each other something new for a day. Dad (Anthony) chose to be called Wally. Nicholina was Jenica and Davan was Jessica for the day. You were Michale Jordan! We had fun playing the game and you decided to give Max a try for a few days after Nicholina suggested it. For quite a while (months!), you liked being called Max, but still wanted to be called Judea at school, so that's what we did. After a few months, you sometimes said you wanted to be called Judea, but when we offered to, you said we should still call you Max. We were really hoping to go forward with your adoption and planned for it the whole time you lived here. We planned to make both Max and Judea part of your name when you were adopted so you could be called either name as you so choose. While you lived here, you went to Highland Elementary for some of Kindergarten and all of first grade. Your first grade teacher's name was Mrs. McAllister. You enjoyed school most of the time and were a very bright student. We had homeschooled you for part of Kindergarten, but you really loved going to school, so that's what you did for first grade. After a year and a half had gone by, things were still very difficult for the four of us as a family. We, along with Barbara (our case worker), Lise (your case worker) and Alison (your therapist) finally came to the decision that we were unable to provide you with a safe and happy place to grow up. It was very sad for us to realize this. We really had wanted you to grow up with us. We were very sorry that we'd said we would be your growing up family, but then it had to be otherwise. We really had worked toward adoption the whole time we were a family of four. When you first moved in, you were angry a lot. After a couple of months, you started hitting Nicholina when you were mad. You looked for reasons to fight. We went to therapy. Nicholina and Anthony read a lot of books to try to figure out how to help. We worked very hard to help you overcome your anger and violence. After a while, the hitting got better. You were still angry often, but not all the time. Things were a little easier for a while, although getting along as a family continued to be a challenge. There was still a lot of anger and hostility. Sometimes Nicholina and Anthony would loose their temper and yell, too. Sometimes we had to wrestle you into your room to give everyone a chance to cool down. It was a hard way for everyone to live. A little over a year after you moved in, you started being angry most of the time again. You started having trouble with being angry at school. You started trying to hurt Nicholina again sometimes. You were very angry and confused. You told us that you hadn't understood that you were not going to live with the Knowltons forever. You started threatening to run away when you didn't like what was happening at home. Then you did leave out of your bedroom window a few times. We, along with the case workers, realized that we were not the best family for you to grow up with. We hope that the family that you do grow up with feels more like a family to you. We hope you understand that your case worker will do the best job she can of finding you the right family. We know that you have a lot of love and caring in your heart and can do well in a family. You are a really special little boy. We are sad to say good-bye. We think of you all the time and hope that you are doing well. We hope you'll find a growing up family where you are cherished, safe and happy most of the time. |
Canceled!
Gee, I'm so sad to report that Skyhawks canceled flag football camp for next week. I reined in my disappointment, though, and called to get my refund started this morning.
I also spent this morning drafting up a letter to include in Max's life book. I tried to be both positive about him, but realistic about his time here, as well. I'll post it and see if anyone has feedback for me.
I also spent this morning drafting up a letter to include in Max's life book. I tried to be both positive about him, but realistic about his time here, as well. I'll post it and see if anyone has feedback for me.
Monday, July 21, 2008
Weekend Report
I didn't end up actually being sick, even though I had a couple of hours of sneezing, stuffy and sore throat plus being very tired on Friday. I think, mostly, I was just very tired. The last month or so has not been conducive to sleep.
We had a busy weekend with two different parties to attend and a breakfast visit with my parents.
My parents had been out of town for over a month, road tripping up to Alaska in their RV. We'd actually seen my step dad once after they got back, but my mom had to turn around right away and go away for work. So, it was nice to see them.
It was my step dad's birthday weekend, so we had a bit of a special breakfast for him and he opened presents.
After the birthday stuff, we had another memorial for Max. All five of us did some sharing about him our time with him. Davan was missing him and was kind of out of sorts after the memorial. I figure, though, that that just means she needs those opportunities to talk/process.
Davan is going through a bit of a rough time. She's more shy than even usual. She was all hunched up when we went to the first party on Saturday, which was with people Anthony works with. I haven't seen her all hunched like that in quite a while, although she used to do it a lot. I think, in part, she must feel conflicted. She's very glad he's gone...but she misses him...but she didn't want him in the house when he was here...but is he okay...but thank goodness we are not under the stress of Max...but, but, but. It's a lot to deal with for a 10 year old little girl. Especially with hormones kicking in....
While she's shown no body signs of puberty yet, she has started cycling with me. Which sucks because we're both irritable at the same times of the month and we feed off of each other.
We got almost all of Max's stuff packed up. The only things left are a some clothing items that are still working their way through the laundry. Davan found a pair of his socks jammed into the springs of the trampoline just a couple of days ago, for example. It's odd to have all of his stuff in boxes just waiting.
I still need to work on a couple of pages for his life book about his time with us. And I ordered a bunch of pictures from Snapfish that just today got printed finally. When those come, I'll put them in a photo album for him. Davan is working on a memory box for him to remember her by. She also has a scrap book type book she made for him for his adoption finalization (sigh) that can be modified a bit and still given to him.
Today is meeting friends at the park, swimming and my MIL over for dinner.
We had a busy weekend with two different parties to attend and a breakfast visit with my parents.
My parents had been out of town for over a month, road tripping up to Alaska in their RV. We'd actually seen my step dad once after they got back, but my mom had to turn around right away and go away for work. So, it was nice to see them.
It was my step dad's birthday weekend, so we had a bit of a special breakfast for him and he opened presents.
After the birthday stuff, we had another memorial for Max. All five of us did some sharing about him our time with him. Davan was missing him and was kind of out of sorts after the memorial. I figure, though, that that just means she needs those opportunities to talk/process.
Davan is going through a bit of a rough time. She's more shy than even usual. She was all hunched up when we went to the first party on Saturday, which was with people Anthony works with. I haven't seen her all hunched like that in quite a while, although she used to do it a lot. I think, in part, she must feel conflicted. She's very glad he's gone...but she misses him...but she didn't want him in the house when he was here...but is he okay...but thank goodness we are not under the stress of Max...but, but, but. It's a lot to deal with for a 10 year old little girl. Especially with hormones kicking in....
While she's shown no body signs of puberty yet, she has started cycling with me. Which sucks because we're both irritable at the same times of the month and we feed off of each other.
We got almost all of Max's stuff packed up. The only things left are a some clothing items that are still working their way through the laundry. Davan found a pair of his socks jammed into the springs of the trampoline just a couple of days ago, for example. It's odd to have all of his stuff in boxes just waiting.
I still need to work on a couple of pages for his life book about his time with us. And I ordered a bunch of pictures from Snapfish that just today got printed finally. When those come, I'll put them in a photo album for him. Davan is working on a memory box for him to remember her by. She also has a scrap book type book she made for him for his adoption finalization (sigh) that can be modified a bit and still given to him.
Today is meeting friends at the park, swimming and my MIL over for dinner.
Friday, July 18, 2008
Spoke with Barbara
Barbara and I touched base this morning. We have a schedule for a good-bye meeting. 2:00 on Tuesday the 29th at Kinship House (where he has therapy). Anthony and I will meet with him first, then Davan will join us so she can say good-bye, too. Max will have been told by Barbara and A (his therapist) the day before.
His case worker will come get him on Wednesday. I don't know when, but she'll come by and get his stuff from us that day, as well.
I've been working on some of his packing. I've got most of his clothes packed and have been working on making sure I get all of his laundry done. There are still the toys to pack, but it won't take long. It's a sad process, though, and hard to spend too much time on it at once.
I'll have to decide which of his paper things (school work, drawing and such) to keep for him and which to recycle. We've already set aside some. Some of his art work will stay on our wall in the toy room where we display anything the kids want to. Some, though, he'll want, like a "Book of Me" he did in kindergarten before he moved in.
I'll want to have it all done before going to visit Chris next week, rather than having it hang over my head to do when I get back.
The good-byes will be difficult. While he didn't have what was a very healthy attachment to us, he did have an attachment. I don't like being the cause of more suffering for him. It'll be harder on Anthony and Davan than me, though, because they are both more conflicted about the disruption, I think. Neither wants him back, but both are doing some grieving.
Meanwhile, I feel like I'm coming down with a cold. Bummer. I'm thinking of putting in some time in Max's room and then laying down with a book for the afternoon. Maybe I'll send Anthony out to pick up some take out, even. That sounds luxurious and lovely.
His case worker will come get him on Wednesday. I don't know when, but she'll come by and get his stuff from us that day, as well.
I've been working on some of his packing. I've got most of his clothes packed and have been working on making sure I get all of his laundry done. There are still the toys to pack, but it won't take long. It's a sad process, though, and hard to spend too much time on it at once.
I'll have to decide which of his paper things (school work, drawing and such) to keep for him and which to recycle. We've already set aside some. Some of his art work will stay on our wall in the toy room where we display anything the kids want to. Some, though, he'll want, like a "Book of Me" he did in kindergarten before he moved in.
I'll want to have it all done before going to visit Chris next week, rather than having it hang over my head to do when I get back.
The good-byes will be difficult. While he didn't have what was a very healthy attachment to us, he did have an attachment. I don't like being the cause of more suffering for him. It'll be harder on Anthony and Davan than me, though, because they are both more conflicted about the disruption, I think. Neither wants him back, but both are doing some grieving.
Meanwhile, I feel like I'm coming down with a cold. Bummer. I'm thinking of putting in some time in Max's room and then laying down with a book for the afternoon. Maybe I'll send Anthony out to pick up some take out, even. That sounds luxurious and lovely.
Thursday, July 17, 2008
Money, Money, Money
I'm feeling a bit of concern over finances this week. It's not that we're near to destitute or anything. It's more that we were hoping to do a largish project like a deck or some sort of wood-type floors in the main part of the house (thanks in large part to cats peeing where they should not - thanks, cats). But, money is just kind of drifting away.
First, we had IRS troubles this year. We still got a refund, but they owed us more. They asked for a form that we seem to have forgotten to send in the first time. We sent it, but then they wrote again, saying that, because they hadn't received the form, they were just going to make the refund as they figured it without said form. What the heck? We'd sent it in right away. So, we called them and said, "Hey! We did send it!" They said, "Well, we don't have record of it. Send it again." So we did. The latest is that they sent us a letter saying that the investigation into this matter is pending and we need not do anything more. Great. We'd be happy to not do anything more if they'd give us our money - a significant amount, or we wouldn't be bothering with it all.
Then there is the small matter of no longer being reimbursed for the expenses associated with Max's adoption. When you adopt through the state, they pay your expenses. As the adoption did not finalize, no reimbursement for us. We went into this whole thing with the best of intentions, but we don't begrudge this money. It's just that it would have been nice to have.
Next, still associated with Max, is his camps. We'd signed him up for 5 different weeks of Skyhawks sports camps. So far, none of them have gone through. We did get refunds for those two camps, but there are three more. I called today to pull him out. They have a no refund policy, but they'd be glad to credit my account. That does me basically no good, as they aren't camps that Davan would do. Although, Davan did say that she'd maybe do the baseball one if we couldn't get a refund. Now I'm hoping that the rest of the camps won't go through, either, and I'll still be able to get a refund.
Even without those camps, though, we've dropped a bundle on camps for Max this summer already. More than I would have spent under any other circumstance because I think kids should be fine at home and doing family-type activities most of the time.
Davan, meanwhile, has moved up to team for gymnastics. This is great for her, not so great for the pocketbook. My parents were generous in helping out by buying her team leotard for her. But, we also have an increase in monthly tuition and, next month, team fees to pay plus warm ups, gym bag and a sweat shirt to buy. Yikes! Team fees, just so you know, will cost us the same as tuition. They cover meet fees and coach fees/travel for the meets.
And now? The stuff gets stolen off of the bike. Davan and I walked over to Joe's (a local sporting goods store) this morning and got new helmets and goggles. Only because we found them on clearance did my price estimate pan out on those items. Just for helmets and goggles, I dropped $60.
Davan is saying she'll buy her own replacement for her Sigg water bottle, but I don't even know if she has the money to do it right now. I feel horrible for her to have to at a price tag of nearly $30 a pop.
Then, of course, we're still expected to pay our bills and there is food to buy and all of that jazz. Like I said, though, we're far from destitute, but our projects may have to wait a longer. Like until Davan is done with gymnastics! That's one expensive sport! LOL
First, we had IRS troubles this year. We still got a refund, but they owed us more. They asked for a form that we seem to have forgotten to send in the first time. We sent it, but then they wrote again, saying that, because they hadn't received the form, they were just going to make the refund as they figured it without said form. What the heck? We'd sent it in right away. So, we called them and said, "Hey! We did send it!" They said, "Well, we don't have record of it. Send it again." So we did. The latest is that they sent us a letter saying that the investigation into this matter is pending and we need not do anything more. Great. We'd be happy to not do anything more if they'd give us our money - a significant amount, or we wouldn't be bothering with it all.
Then there is the small matter of no longer being reimbursed for the expenses associated with Max's adoption. When you adopt through the state, they pay your expenses. As the adoption did not finalize, no reimbursement for us. We went into this whole thing with the best of intentions, but we don't begrudge this money. It's just that it would have been nice to have.
Next, still associated with Max, is his camps. We'd signed him up for 5 different weeks of Skyhawks sports camps. So far, none of them have gone through. We did get refunds for those two camps, but there are three more. I called today to pull him out. They have a no refund policy, but they'd be glad to credit my account. That does me basically no good, as they aren't camps that Davan would do. Although, Davan did say that she'd maybe do the baseball one if we couldn't get a refund. Now I'm hoping that the rest of the camps won't go through, either, and I'll still be able to get a refund.
Even without those camps, though, we've dropped a bundle on camps for Max this summer already. More than I would have spent under any other circumstance because I think kids should be fine at home and doing family-type activities most of the time.
Davan, meanwhile, has moved up to team for gymnastics. This is great for her, not so great for the pocketbook. My parents were generous in helping out by buying her team leotard for her. But, we also have an increase in monthly tuition and, next month, team fees to pay plus warm ups, gym bag and a sweat shirt to buy. Yikes! Team fees, just so you know, will cost us the same as tuition. They cover meet fees and coach fees/travel for the meets.
And now? The stuff gets stolen off of the bike. Davan and I walked over to Joe's (a local sporting goods store) this morning and got new helmets and goggles. Only because we found them on clearance did my price estimate pan out on those items. Just for helmets and goggles, I dropped $60.
Davan is saying she'll buy her own replacement for her Sigg water bottle, but I don't even know if she has the money to do it right now. I feel horrible for her to have to at a price tag of nearly $30 a pop.
Then, of course, we're still expected to pay our bills and there is food to buy and all of that jazz. Like I said, though, we're far from destitute, but our projects may have to wait a longer. Like until Davan is done with gymnastics! That's one expensive sport! LOL
Thinking About Max
I still have to say that I primarily feel relieved that Max isn't here anymore. Whew.
I do, however, wonder about him and hope he's doing well. I'd kind of like to call over to where he's staying and see how he's doing, but I'm not sure it's appropriate. Plus, well, if he's doing badly, what good would it do to know that?
Still, I wonder. Has he found a way to play with the younger kids? Is he doing something other than watching TV all day? Has he convinced L (the foster mom there) that he doesn't eat any fruits or veggies as it seemed like he was working on that first day? Did she get him vanilla soy milk and is he drinking it? Does that family do anything outside of the home that's fun?
I want to know the results of the psychiatric evaluation that was done. They usually don't come out for a while, but when they do, I want to know. Will I? I don't know.
I'll want to know how he's doing with his new foster family in Eugene, too, but I don't know if I'll know that, either. I'll want to know if he's adopted and how that's going.
But. I'm willing to give all that up for not having to be his mom anymore. Really and truly. No question.
Even with the steeling of the panniers yesterday. Even with Anthony being kind of sad. Even with Davan being emotional. Even with all of that, our house is peaceful, while still being active. We're all pretty nice to each other (even though Anthony was kind of mad about the latest in bike stuff theft and I was kind of mad back at him for being mad at me). Every one helps out in accordance with their age, ability and time spent at home, which is all I ever wanted in respect to that. No one is violent. No one is looking to pick fights. No one is running away. No one is threatening to kill me. Everyone is happy to spend time with each other. Plus many other small things, that all add up to a greatly increased quality of life.
The relief is huge. It was a year and a half of living the other way. I'm very lucky to have my family and that we all love each other and get along (most of the time, of course). We'd hoped that we could bring another person into that fold, but it didn't happen. Instead, we were in danger of loosing what we loved about each other. It's the right choice.
But, still, I wonder.
I do, however, wonder about him and hope he's doing well. I'd kind of like to call over to where he's staying and see how he's doing, but I'm not sure it's appropriate. Plus, well, if he's doing badly, what good would it do to know that?
Still, I wonder. Has he found a way to play with the younger kids? Is he doing something other than watching TV all day? Has he convinced L (the foster mom there) that he doesn't eat any fruits or veggies as it seemed like he was working on that first day? Did she get him vanilla soy milk and is he drinking it? Does that family do anything outside of the home that's fun?
I want to know the results of the psychiatric evaluation that was done. They usually don't come out for a while, but when they do, I want to know. Will I? I don't know.
I'll want to know how he's doing with his new foster family in Eugene, too, but I don't know if I'll know that, either. I'll want to know if he's adopted and how that's going.
But. I'm willing to give all that up for not having to be his mom anymore. Really and truly. No question.
Even with the steeling of the panniers yesterday. Even with Anthony being kind of sad. Even with Davan being emotional. Even with all of that, our house is peaceful, while still being active. We're all pretty nice to each other (even though Anthony was kind of mad about the latest in bike stuff theft and I was kind of mad back at him for being mad at me). Every one helps out in accordance with their age, ability and time spent at home, which is all I ever wanted in respect to that. No one is violent. No one is looking to pick fights. No one is running away. No one is threatening to kill me. Everyone is happy to spend time with each other. Plus many other small things, that all add up to a greatly increased quality of life.
The relief is huge. It was a year and a half of living the other way. I'm very lucky to have my family and that we all love each other and get along (most of the time, of course). We'd hoped that we could bring another person into that fold, but it didn't happen. Instead, we were in danger of loosing what we loved about each other. It's the right choice.
But, still, I wonder.
Replacement
I'm figuring that, between the goggles ($20 min for two pairs), the helmets ($40), Davan's Sigg water bottle ($29), the Performance water bottle ($5) and assorted hair care/shower stuff ($15+), we're looking at over $100 in replacement costs without even getting new panniers. And that's with just writing off our swim suits (luckily, we were both wearing older ones), the swim bag itself (we'll use another bag we already own), the two towels (we can probably make due without them), the locker lock (which we don't use at our current pool), and the extra bike lock that were in there.
Then there are the panniers themselves...
This pretty much sucks.
Then there are the panniers themselves...
This pretty much sucks.
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
All Right, All Right
Not all people suck. For instance, we had a very nice swim with our friend, Zoe, today.
I like Davan and Anthony pretty well. You know. Most of the time. (joking)
My mom and step dad are good people.
We've got lots of friends who are stand up sorts of folks.
But some people still suck.
I like Davan and Anthony pretty well. You know. Most of the time. (joking)
My mom and step dad are good people.
We've got lots of friends who are stand up sorts of folks.
But some people still suck.
People Suck
I have not had the best luck with bikes and stuff on them staying where I put them, as long time readers will know. Our tandem bike was stolen from outside of Winco one day while my daughter and I were shopping for, literally, about 8 minutes. In addition to the bike being gone, our helmets, a bike light and various other attached items were gone, as well. On other occasions, I've had numerous water bottles stolen, a couple of bike lights and...well, that might be it up until today, but it's enough, no?
Today, at the library, Davan and I came out to find that our panniers had been stolen. Crap. In one of them was our bag of swim stuff (we'd just finished swimming with a friend) - a suit each, two towels, shampoo, conditioner, body wash, hair gel, pony tail holders, deodorant, lotion, not to mention the bag it's all in - and, in the other, our helmets, a spare lock (which didn't have a key with it, so that's completely useless to the thief), and two water bottles, one of which was a Sig that Davan had purchased for herself.
And there we were, with an arm load of books from the library with no good way to get them home. A police officer was walking back and forth, patrolling the front of the library. She was nice enough, but there wasn't anything she could do. She did get a bag from the library for us, which made it possible to get our books home.
I'm fairly sure I know who did the deed, too. A man and woman came up on bikes just as we did. The man had a basket for his rack, which had their books in it. When we came out, the basket was laying there by the bike racks. I think they found something better. I'm so angry.
Why can't people leave stuff alone that isn't their's? Why do they want someone else's water bottles? Why couldn't they have at least emptied them out before taking them? There wasn't anything in there that would be of value to them, but it's important to us.
People suck.
Today, at the library, Davan and I came out to find that our panniers had been stolen. Crap. In one of them was our bag of swim stuff (we'd just finished swimming with a friend) - a suit each, two towels, shampoo, conditioner, body wash, hair gel, pony tail holders, deodorant, lotion, not to mention the bag it's all in - and, in the other, our helmets, a spare lock (which didn't have a key with it, so that's completely useless to the thief), and two water bottles, one of which was a Sig that Davan had purchased for herself.
And there we were, with an arm load of books from the library with no good way to get them home. A police officer was walking back and forth, patrolling the front of the library. She was nice enough, but there wasn't anything she could do. She did get a bag from the library for us, which made it possible to get our books home.
I'm fairly sure I know who did the deed, too. A man and woman came up on bikes just as we did. The man had a basket for his rack, which had their books in it. When we came out, the basket was laying there by the bike racks. I think they found something better. I'm so angry.
Why can't people leave stuff alone that isn't their's? Why do they want someone else's water bottles? Why couldn't they have at least emptied them out before taking them? There wasn't anything in there that would be of value to them, but it's important to us.
People suck.
Issues to Deal With
Davan has taken the disruption in stride. She's had some times where she's cried and some times where she's been just very matter of fact about it. We've been working on keeping the lines of communication about it all open. I've reassured her many times that she will never leave the family. I've explained that Max has a sort of sickness that doesn't let him attach properly to people and that is a big part of why he couldn't live here with us. I've explained that she could never get that sickness. She has soaked up the reassurances and been open with her feelings.
Yesterday evening, though, she was teary. She couldn't say why. She said she just felt very anxious. I gave some suggestions about what might be causing it. She's not worried about having to leave the family. She doesn't miss Max. She, is though, worried about Anthony's and my stress. I don't feel awfully stressed, though. I feel a lot less stressed than I did when Max was still here.
She said that she feels like, because Anthony is sad about Max leaving, that he loves her less.
I feel like, if that's her concern, she probably is worried about us loving her and, at least subconsciously, is worried about being kicked out, as well.
She was teary again this morning and a little overwhelming with deep eye gazing in a rather needy way. I know I need to be patient and reassuring with her. And I am. But, I'll be glad when she and Anthony have worked through these strong initial feelings, although I know we'll all be dealing with backlash for a long time to come.
Yesterday evening, though, she was teary. She couldn't say why. She said she just felt very anxious. I gave some suggestions about what might be causing it. She's not worried about having to leave the family. She doesn't miss Max. She, is though, worried about Anthony's and my stress. I don't feel awfully stressed, though. I feel a lot less stressed than I did when Max was still here.
She said that she feels like, because Anthony is sad about Max leaving, that he loves her less.
I feel like, if that's her concern, she probably is worried about us loving her and, at least subconsciously, is worried about being kicked out, as well.
She was teary again this morning and a little overwhelming with deep eye gazing in a rather needy way. I know I need to be patient and reassuring with her. And I am. But, I'll be glad when she and Anthony have worked through these strong initial feelings, although I know we'll all be dealing with backlash for a long time to come.
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
Telling People
The main issue of the day seems to have been telling people. Of course, those who know us best already know. However, there are lots of people that we interact with who aren't up on the whole story.
First, though, before the telling people I took Max to his psychiatric evaluation this morning. Barbara was going to do it, but had a dentist appointment she'd forgotten about. So, I picked him up from the foster family where he is staying and took him.
Let me say here a few things about the foster family. A very nice seeming lady in maybe her 60s is the foster mom. There is no dad in the home. The other kids are two 2 year olds and a 4 year old. Max is not thrilled about being there. Although, he did get pizza for dinner last night and get to watch TV in a marathon from being dropped off yesterday until I picked him up this morning, minus sleeping time. I could wish for a better "resting" place for him, but I don't get to say and another move probably isn't in his best interest. I just hope that he says calm there for all their sakes.
Max was his usual sort of self for going and testing. I think he'll come out of this assessment with a RAD diagnosis of some level. Why? I just got those vibes from the psychiatrist. Plus, A, his therapist, didn't want him to go see this guy. She wanted him to see another guy. I'm thinking this is because this guy diagnosis RAD, which she doesn't like.
I must say that I was so happy that I was able to just walk away, rather than take him back home. Barbara did come during the assessment and took him back to the foster family.
I picked Davan up from Denny's where she'd been hanging out with my step dad and off we went, after a quick stop at home for lunch, to book group, where there were many people to tell. I sort of don't want to, but people will eventually ask where he is. Although, for now, most would assume he's in camp. But, getting it over with seemed best.
Everyone reacted in an understanding and sympathetic manor. It took me a little by surprise, given stories I've heard from other people who've disrupted. I think one person maybe thought we'd messed up by doing so, but he just stayed quiet, rather than comment.
My mom also told my extended family on her side and all were very supportive.
I can't tell you how good it feels for the majority of our friends, family and acquaintances to not be judgmental.
Anthony is still sad. He still feels like he let Max down by not being a good enough dad for him. He thinks we made the right choice, but he feels like it was his lack of ability to be a good parent that was the reason for it, I think. I'm being as supportive as I can. I understand that he needs to work through all of this and grieve.
He, also, understands, though, that I've already done a lot of grieving and am feeling mostly relief. It's still difficult, though, to be feeling some opposite feelings about the same matter.
First, though, before the telling people I took Max to his psychiatric evaluation this morning. Barbara was going to do it, but had a dentist appointment she'd forgotten about. So, I picked him up from the foster family where he is staying and took him.
Let me say here a few things about the foster family. A very nice seeming lady in maybe her 60s is the foster mom. There is no dad in the home. The other kids are two 2 year olds and a 4 year old. Max is not thrilled about being there. Although, he did get pizza for dinner last night and get to watch TV in a marathon from being dropped off yesterday until I picked him up this morning, minus sleeping time. I could wish for a better "resting" place for him, but I don't get to say and another move probably isn't in his best interest. I just hope that he says calm there for all their sakes.
Max was his usual sort of self for going and testing. I think he'll come out of this assessment with a RAD diagnosis of some level. Why? I just got those vibes from the psychiatrist. Plus, A, his therapist, didn't want him to go see this guy. She wanted him to see another guy. I'm thinking this is because this guy diagnosis RAD, which she doesn't like.
I must say that I was so happy that I was able to just walk away, rather than take him back home. Barbara did come during the assessment and took him back to the foster family.
I picked Davan up from Denny's where she'd been hanging out with my step dad and off we went, after a quick stop at home for lunch, to book group, where there were many people to tell. I sort of don't want to, but people will eventually ask where he is. Although, for now, most would assume he's in camp. But, getting it over with seemed best.
Everyone reacted in an understanding and sympathetic manor. It took me a little by surprise, given stories I've heard from other people who've disrupted. I think one person maybe thought we'd messed up by doing so, but he just stayed quiet, rather than comment.
My mom also told my extended family on her side and all were very supportive.
I can't tell you how good it feels for the majority of our friends, family and acquaintances to not be judgmental.
Anthony is still sad. He still feels like he let Max down by not being a good enough dad for him. He thinks we made the right choice, but he feels like it was his lack of ability to be a good parent that was the reason for it, I think. I'm being as supportive as I can. I understand that he needs to work through all of this and grieve.
He, also, understands, though, that I've already done a lot of grieving and am feeling mostly relief. It's still difficult, though, to be feeling some opposite feelings about the same matter.
Monday, July 14, 2008
Here I Am Again
It's late and I wish I were sleeping, but, once again, there are too many thoughts running through my head.
Max got picked up at 2:20 and we were pretty frazzled by then. Max chose to spend his last time here playing video games while the rest of us played card games. He was invited, but chose not to join in.
It was hard. He was nervous about going, saying he wanted to stay here with Mom and Dad. He was somewhat resistant, but went without a huge fuss. It was hard to go through, though, especially for Anthony.
We did have a little memorial type ceremony. I talked a lot. Anthony talked quite a bit. Davan talked a little. Davan cried some in the beginning, but Anthony surprised me by crying while we were all cuddling after. I've only ever seen him cry one other time.
After a while, we decided to go for a hike together, which was a good thing to do. Anthony had a hard time all day. He was thinking about Max, hoping he was okay, that he liked what was for dinner, that he'd be able to sleep well tonight. He's a good man. He feels badly, though, like he should have done more, been more patient, been super human.
I was surprisingly okay most of the day, post Max leaving. However, come evening, I started to feel badly. I feel like we've pawned our kid off on someone else. I still feel like it's the right decision, but I'm feeling guilt and a sense of responsibility. It's odd to just not be responsible for this child anymore. A relief, but it goes against my sense of parenthood.
Max was a champion button pusher and a champion at being unhappy. It's okay that we were overwhelmed by him and unable to cope. But it doesn't feel good. He's still just a little boy, who is no more to blame for all of this than anyone else. That doesn't mean that I'm not grateful that we were able to stop the adoption and that we'll have a more normal life with more normal problems, once we've come through the other side.
I wish him and us peace, safety and happiness.
Max got picked up at 2:20 and we were pretty frazzled by then. Max chose to spend his last time here playing video games while the rest of us played card games. He was invited, but chose not to join in.
It was hard. He was nervous about going, saying he wanted to stay here with Mom and Dad. He was somewhat resistant, but went without a huge fuss. It was hard to go through, though, especially for Anthony.
We did have a little memorial type ceremony. I talked a lot. Anthony talked quite a bit. Davan talked a little. Davan cried some in the beginning, but Anthony surprised me by crying while we were all cuddling after. I've only ever seen him cry one other time.
After a while, we decided to go for a hike together, which was a good thing to do. Anthony had a hard time all day. He was thinking about Max, hoping he was okay, that he liked what was for dinner, that he'd be able to sleep well tonight. He's a good man. He feels badly, though, like he should have done more, been more patient, been super human.
I was surprisingly okay most of the day, post Max leaving. However, come evening, I started to feel badly. I feel like we've pawned our kid off on someone else. I still feel like it's the right decision, but I'm feeling guilt and a sense of responsibility. It's odd to just not be responsible for this child anymore. A relief, but it goes against my sense of parenthood.
Max was a champion button pusher and a champion at being unhappy. It's okay that we were overwhelmed by him and unable to cope. But it doesn't feel good. He's still just a little boy, who is no more to blame for all of this than anyone else. That doesn't mean that I'm not grateful that we were able to stop the adoption and that we'll have a more normal life with more normal problems, once we've come through the other side.
I wish him and us peace, safety and happiness.
Churn, Churn, Churn
My stomach, that is. I had a hard time with breakfast and suspect a hard time will be had with lunch, as well. Lunch is fast approaching and then Barbara will be here to pick Max up. I hope she's on time. I don't know if everyone's nerves can take her being late today.
bottoms partially because they keep Anthony stayed home today. We got up and did chores (except Max, who played video games and complained about Anthony not playing with him), got Max almost all packed up (out of the pile of clothes he made on the floor from emptying out his dresser last night), ate breakfast, went to Target to fill his prescription, pick up some pj bottoms for him (he's short on summer pjs mostly because they keep disappearing - go figure - but we didn't want to send him without and look worse than we already will for sending him in the first place) and give him a chance to spend more of his birthday money. Once back home, Anthony and Max built the Lego kit that was purchased and are now playing video games.
Max seems to be his more or less usual self - sometimes angry, sometimes pestering, sometimes anxious to go to his "take a break" home, sometimes seeing what he can get away with and sometimes saying things like, "You're the best dad ever!" Max does say this sort of thing, when he's happy with us, i.e. Anthony is going to play a video game with him or I announce that we're eating out. He's usually very extreme in his emotions - he either thinks we're the best or the worst. It's hard to hear today, though. Anthony told me he thinks he will cry. I don't know if I will. Maybe. Probably.
We are going to have a ceremony of some sort after Max leaves today. Sort of a memorial for the three of us. I'm thinking of having another this weekend for us plus my parents. And perhaps a third later this evening for just Anthony and I.
bottoms partially because they keep Anthony stayed home today. We got up and did chores (except Max, who played video games and complained about Anthony not playing with him), got Max almost all packed up (out of the pile of clothes he made on the floor from emptying out his dresser last night), ate breakfast, went to Target to fill his prescription, pick up some pj bottoms for him (he's short on summer pjs mostly because they keep disappearing - go figure - but we didn't want to send him without and look worse than we already will for sending him in the first place) and give him a chance to spend more of his birthday money. Once back home, Anthony and Max built the Lego kit that was purchased and are now playing video games.
Max seems to be his more or less usual self - sometimes angry, sometimes pestering, sometimes anxious to go to his "take a break" home, sometimes seeing what he can get away with and sometimes saying things like, "You're the best dad ever!" Max does say this sort of thing, when he's happy with us, i.e. Anthony is going to play a video game with him or I announce that we're eating out. He's usually very extreme in his emotions - he either thinks we're the best or the worst. It's hard to hear today, though. Anthony told me he thinks he will cry. I don't know if I will. Maybe. Probably.
We are going to have a ceremony of some sort after Max leaves today. Sort of a memorial for the three of us. I'm thinking of having another this weekend for us plus my parents. And perhaps a third later this evening for just Anthony and I.
Sunday, July 13, 2008
Can't Sleep
I'm sure it'll come as no surprise to anyone that I'm having trouble sleeping tonight. I imagine it won't be my last sleepless night, either, but it's been a long time since I've really slept well. Last night, at the Girl Scout sleep away, was no exception, of course. So, I'm really tired. But, I keep thinking about tomorrow. And the next day. And all week.
I'm thinking about the best thing to do after Max goes tomorrow afternoon. I'm thinking a little ceremony between Anthony, Davan and I might be the best thing. A little remembrance of our time, giving permission to talk about the good and the bad and the in-between, a way to be together. I'm also thinking about just a simple way to be together - a short and easy hike, maybe? I don't know, but it doesn't feel right to just leave it to chance or to all go our separate ways as if it's a normal day. Not that we all go our separate ways on normal days, either, at least not all the time, but still.
But still.
I'm thinking about the best thing to do after Max goes tomorrow afternoon. I'm thinking a little ceremony between Anthony, Davan and I might be the best thing. A little remembrance of our time, giving permission to talk about the good and the bad and the in-between, a way to be together. I'm also thinking about just a simple way to be together - a short and easy hike, maybe? I don't know, but it doesn't feel right to just leave it to chance or to all go our separate ways as if it's a normal day. Not that we all go our separate ways on normal days, either, at least not all the time, but still.
But still.
The Plan - Really
I did find out on Friday what the final plan was for Max moving. However, there are still some details that will be worked out this week.
Barbara was able, after all, to find a place for Max to go temporarily, without us having to pay $50/day for respite. He is going Monday - tomorrow - afternoon. Anthony is coming home early and having lunch with us and to be here when Max goes.
The plan was for us to tell him that, because things have been so difficult for us as a family, we're going to take a break for a little while. We did just tell him that. We explained that it wasn't because he was bad or stupid (both things he says about himself), but because we were having troubles being safe and happy as a family.
He took it...interestingly. He says he doesn't want to go, but almost seemed more excited about having "chicken" nuggets and tator tots for lunch tomorrow than upset about going. He kind of whined a bit and looked like he was trying to work himself up to crying, but it just wasn't coming.
I think he's mostly nervous about going to a new family that he hasn't met before. He mentioned two other families we know, saying he'd want to go to one, but not to the other.
He then went to brush his teeth and Anthony is reading to him. He cried a bit because we told him that he could either have a light on or a book on tape (neither of which he's had for over a month now at bedtime), but not both because there is only one plug. He chose a book on tape. It is still light out, after all.
I feel...I don't know. I was really worried about telling him, but it went as well as could be expected.
Next, he'll have his evaluation on Tuesday, which Barbara will take him to. I'll be there, as well, because they need me to do some forms, which is standard for children doing physiological evaluations.
Sometime after that - Tuesday afternoon, Wednesday, I don't know for sure - his therapist, A, and Barbara will tell him that he isn't going to come back here. The day after that, we'll have a good bye meeting with him. At some point, Davan will also have a good bye meeting with him, which may or may not happen at our house.
Once the good byes are done, his case worker from Lane County will come and get his stuff from us (with a van, supposedly) and pick him up to take him down to a waiting foster family. The foster family is one that his case worker has found for him and is a very experienced foster family where they hope he'll do well. This will probably happen by the end of the week.
So, there are still some questions, but the main structure is in place. I know there is hurt in his future. The good bye meeting will be painful. At least for Anthony and I and, of course for him, even if he doesn't show it. I don't know how he'll be about it. His and Davan's good bye meeting will be painful, as well. It'll be a tough week for all.
I hope Max will be safe and happy in his life. Or, at least safe. He may not be capable of true happiness. But, I hope I'm wrong about that.
Barbara was able, after all, to find a place for Max to go temporarily, without us having to pay $50/day for respite. He is going Monday - tomorrow - afternoon. Anthony is coming home early and having lunch with us and to be here when Max goes.
The plan was for us to tell him that, because things have been so difficult for us as a family, we're going to take a break for a little while. We did just tell him that. We explained that it wasn't because he was bad or stupid (both things he says about himself), but because we were having troubles being safe and happy as a family.
He took it...interestingly. He says he doesn't want to go, but almost seemed more excited about having "chicken" nuggets and tator tots for lunch tomorrow than upset about going. He kind of whined a bit and looked like he was trying to work himself up to crying, but it just wasn't coming.
I think he's mostly nervous about going to a new family that he hasn't met before. He mentioned two other families we know, saying he'd want to go to one, but not to the other.
He then went to brush his teeth and Anthony is reading to him. He cried a bit because we told him that he could either have a light on or a book on tape (neither of which he's had for over a month now at bedtime), but not both because there is only one plug. He chose a book on tape. It is still light out, after all.
I feel...I don't know. I was really worried about telling him, but it went as well as could be expected.
Next, he'll have his evaluation on Tuesday, which Barbara will take him to. I'll be there, as well, because they need me to do some forms, which is standard for children doing physiological evaluations.
Sometime after that - Tuesday afternoon, Wednesday, I don't know for sure - his therapist, A, and Barbara will tell him that he isn't going to come back here. The day after that, we'll have a good bye meeting with him. At some point, Davan will also have a good bye meeting with him, which may or may not happen at our house.
Once the good byes are done, his case worker from Lane County will come and get his stuff from us (with a van, supposedly) and pick him up to take him down to a waiting foster family. The foster family is one that his case worker has found for him and is a very experienced foster family where they hope he'll do well. This will probably happen by the end of the week.
So, there are still some questions, but the main structure is in place. I know there is hurt in his future. The good bye meeting will be painful. At least for Anthony and I and, of course for him, even if he doesn't show it. I don't know how he'll be about it. His and Davan's good bye meeting will be painful, as well. It'll be a tough week for all.
I hope Max will be safe and happy in his life. Or, at least safe. He may not be capable of true happiness. But, I hope I'm wrong about that.
Friday, July 11, 2008
The Plan Take 7498 (or so)
I talked to Barbara and expressed my concerns about the whole respite deal. She had new news which did effect how I felt about respite.
Max's case worker has found a foster family for him. She found one that would be ready in about a week and another, that is, apparently, going to happen, early next week. So, the respite (and our being still the responsible party) would be quite limited. We were willing to do this.
So, we called up the respite family who told us it would be $50 a day, starting with today when he'd be dropped off around 7:00pm. Yeah. That's a little out of our budget, which is already strained due to camp and such.
We called Barbara back and said, "We're happy to do this if you come up with the funds." She did not think that was feasible. Whatever.
This was sort of crushing because I thought we were going to be all done today. And now we won't be. However, it does look like Max will move on early next week.
And why? Because his case worker picked up the ball and ran with it while Barbara was still standing around, not making things happen.
So, Max will be here with Anthony over the weekend, playing lots of video games. Then, either Monday or Tuesday morning, I'm still taking him to be evaluated. Then he leaves. Directly from here to foster care. Or, at least, that's the plan of the moment.
How will that look? I have no idea. Barbara seems to think it'll by her, Max's case worker and us telling Max here at our house, after which Max's case worker will take Max back to Lane County and settle him in with his new foster family.
I'm wondering...how will we pack him up without his knowing? How will his case worker get his stuff down there? He has a bike, for one. It's not going to fit into a car with him and the rest of his stuff.
There are lots of unanswered questions at this point, including exactly what early next week means.
Max's case worker has found a foster family for him. She found one that would be ready in about a week and another, that is, apparently, going to happen, early next week. So, the respite (and our being still the responsible party) would be quite limited. We were willing to do this.
So, we called up the respite family who told us it would be $50 a day, starting with today when he'd be dropped off around 7:00pm. Yeah. That's a little out of our budget, which is already strained due to camp and such.
We called Barbara back and said, "We're happy to do this if you come up with the funds." She did not think that was feasible. Whatever.
This was sort of crushing because I thought we were going to be all done today. And now we won't be. However, it does look like Max will move on early next week.
And why? Because his case worker picked up the ball and ran with it while Barbara was still standing around, not making things happen.
So, Max will be here with Anthony over the weekend, playing lots of video games. Then, either Monday or Tuesday morning, I'm still taking him to be evaluated. Then he leaves. Directly from here to foster care. Or, at least, that's the plan of the moment.
How will that look? I have no idea. Barbara seems to think it'll by her, Max's case worker and us telling Max here at our house, after which Max's case worker will take Max back to Lane County and settle him in with his new foster family.
I'm wondering...how will we pack him up without his knowing? How will his case worker get his stuff down there? He has a bike, for one. It's not going to fit into a car with him and the rest of his stuff.
There are lots of unanswered questions at this point, including exactly what early next week means.
Other Stuff
As I was driving Davan home from gymnastics today, I was thinking about how I hadn't posted about anything other than the disruption, really. I did talk about Chris' visit some, but mostly in the context of the disruption. Then I came home to the message from Barbara and, again, posted about the disruption.
Davan is doing well in gymnastics. She looks forward to going again, doesn't get worked up if I'm going to drop her off and feels like she is mostly doing well. And she is - especially on bars. She's almost kipping, which is amazing for a new level 4.
She and I are going on a Girl Scout trip to the beach this weekend. I'm looking forward to it! Well, mostly, when I'm not worked up about the logistics of the disruption, but there I am again, talking about IT. The moms and girls that are going are all great people and it'll be fun. I still have to pack, but as it's only for one night, that should not be a problem to get done. Although, I do have some food to pack, also, and that might need a little thought.
Anthony has been riding up a storm on his bike. He rode four hours today. Okay, so it was only supposed to be about three, but he got lost. Still, he's logging some amazing miles and it makes me think I need to have more agressive exercise goals. I want to be in shape, too!
Our cats are wandering around, doing cat like things such as eating, puking, howling, snuggling, constantly wanting in and out.
You know. Life. It's still going on.
Davan is doing well in gymnastics. She looks forward to going again, doesn't get worked up if I'm going to drop her off and feels like she is mostly doing well. And she is - especially on bars. She's almost kipping, which is amazing for a new level 4.
She and I are going on a Girl Scout trip to the beach this weekend. I'm looking forward to it! Well, mostly, when I'm not worked up about the logistics of the disruption, but there I am again, talking about IT. The moms and girls that are going are all great people and it'll be fun. I still have to pack, but as it's only for one night, that should not be a problem to get done. Although, I do have some food to pack, also, and that might need a little thought.
Anthony has been riding up a storm on his bike. He rode four hours today. Okay, so it was only supposed to be about three, but he got lost. Still, he's logging some amazing miles and it makes me think I need to have more agressive exercise goals. I want to be in shape, too!
Our cats are wandering around, doing cat like things such as eating, puking, howling, snuggling, constantly wanting in and out.
You know. Life. It's still going on.
The "Plan"
Now I'm even more aggravated. Barbara called and left a message, saying that she has a plan in place. What's the plan? For us to pay for respite care. We have to call the respite family and negotiate with them for respite care. WTF?!?!?!
He's supposed to be going to a foster care family! Even when the plan was "respite" that was just a polite name for a temporary foster care placement. That's what we decided at the meeting. This is not a temporary respite from our family. This is him moving on.
How long are we supposed to be paying for respite!?!?!?! How long will he still really be our responsibility!?!?!?!
I'm so angry and upset. As we never finalized, I could just dump him on their doorstep, but instead, I'm suppose to now organize respite care for him!?!?!?!?!?
I feel like calling her back and saying, "Just come get him. We're done." But, that's not in his best interests. However, if there is much more of this BS, we might have to do that. Give them a kick in the pants to get things going. Because it's not in his best interests to stay here, either.
He's supposed to be going to a foster care family! Even when the plan was "respite" that was just a polite name for a temporary foster care placement. That's what we decided at the meeting. This is not a temporary respite from our family. This is him moving on.
How long are we supposed to be paying for respite!?!?!?! How long will he still really be our responsibility!?!?!?!
I'm so angry and upset. As we never finalized, I could just dump him on their doorstep, but instead, I'm suppose to now organize respite care for him!?!?!?!?!?
I feel like calling her back and saying, "Just come get him. We're done." But, that's not in his best interests. However, if there is much more of this BS, we might have to do that. Give them a kick in the pants to get things going. Because it's not in his best interests to stay here, either.
Frustrations Galore
We're having more Barbara moments. Arg! That woman drives me absolutely nuts! This morning, she calls and asks if we can get him to a psychological evaluation either on Monday or Tuesday morning.
Yes, but what about a placement for him? Tuesday is two weeks from when we had our meeting and two weeks was how long they were thinking he'd be in respite care so a foster family could be found.
She's done nothing - NOTHING! - to find him a foster family. She wanted to wait for the results of the evaluation to know what we're dealing with here. So he was supposed to just hang out in respite for months while the appointment was made and the results came back?!?!?! Really!?!?!?
Well, he can't hang out here that long. It just won't work. We're all pretty done here. Things are escalating - the basketball attack, for example - and we're in a "we're done" mind set. Things here aren't pretty. In addition, we're spending $175 every week he's here for camp and after care.
We were willing to do all this because we thought we were buying him time to move directly to a foster family instead of having to go through respite first. But, apparently nothing has been done to make that happen. So, now, we're talking respite anyway.
Barbara was even saying he needed to go to Lane County - his county of origin - which we'd discussed at the meeting and it was decided that they'd see about getting him into foster care locally so he could keep working with A, his therapist. Now, I don't know if that's best for him. Maybe he should go to Lane County. His half sister is down there, for one. For another, I don't know that continuing to work with A is in his best interests. However, it was what was decided at the meeting and Barbara didn't remember that until I reminded her.
She said that it was very emotional at the meeting and she's not surprised that different people came out of it with different ideas about what would happen next. I'm pretty sure she's the only one with different ideas. I'm willing to bet that the rest of us understood just fine. Anthony and I did kind of change our minds about if respite was best for him after, but we still understood and remembered the results of the meeting. Unlike Barbara, apparently. Arg!
Yes, but what about a placement for him? Tuesday is two weeks from when we had our meeting and two weeks was how long they were thinking he'd be in respite care so a foster family could be found.
She's done nothing - NOTHING! - to find him a foster family. She wanted to wait for the results of the evaluation to know what we're dealing with here. So he was supposed to just hang out in respite for months while the appointment was made and the results came back?!?!?! Really!?!?!?
Well, he can't hang out here that long. It just won't work. We're all pretty done here. Things are escalating - the basketball attack, for example - and we're in a "we're done" mind set. Things here aren't pretty. In addition, we're spending $175 every week he's here for camp and after care.
We were willing to do all this because we thought we were buying him time to move directly to a foster family instead of having to go through respite first. But, apparently nothing has been done to make that happen. So, now, we're talking respite anyway.
Barbara was even saying he needed to go to Lane County - his county of origin - which we'd discussed at the meeting and it was decided that they'd see about getting him into foster care locally so he could keep working with A, his therapist. Now, I don't know if that's best for him. Maybe he should go to Lane County. His half sister is down there, for one. For another, I don't know that continuing to work with A is in his best interests. However, it was what was decided at the meeting and Barbara didn't remember that until I reminded her.
She said that it was very emotional at the meeting and she's not surprised that different people came out of it with different ideas about what would happen next. I'm pretty sure she's the only one with different ideas. I'm willing to bet that the rest of us understood just fine. Anthony and I did kind of change our minds about if respite was best for him after, but we still understood and remembered the results of the meeting. Unlike Barbara, apparently. Arg!
Thursday, July 10, 2008
And Back to Regularly Scheduled Programming
As of this morning, I had decided to even drop the simple morning chores that Max has in an effort to reduce friction and stress. After all, the long run doesn't matter anymore. Even so, we had a very rough morning. Max was looking for arguments and control battles all morning.
He started with, "I'm really dry, still!" He'd lotioned last night when he got home from camp and again after his shower.
I said, "Okay. I'll get your lotion for you and you can lotion before you put your clothes on."
I came back in the room and he had his shorts on already. I said, "Hey, you were going to lotion because you're dry, remember?"
"I'm not going to lotion! I'm not dry! I won't do it!"
And, yeah, I probably should have left it at that and not had him lotion. However, he's been so, so dry and it's not healthy looking. And he did look ashy in places this morning still. So I told him he needed to do it.
Instead, he took off his pj top and put on his shirt for the day, then stood there, looking at me defiantly. And, yeah. The battle lines were drawn. I went over to help him out of his shirt to lotion and he refused to co-operate, so I backed off to do other things.
He went to eat breakfast and I said, "First the lotion."
Screaming. Throwing things. Told me, "You're not the right mom for me!"
I then did help him out of his shirt, which he didn't like, but put up with, lotioned him up and went back to my business. He got his shirt back on, then threatened to throw the banana I'd put out for him to start breakfast with. When I totally ignored that, he ate it.
He calmed down while eating breakfast and I asked him about the not the right mom comment. He said he hadn't heard it anywhere, that he'd just thought it. Interesting. He also, though, said that it wasn't true and that he just can't control himself when he is angry.
He didn't like his cereal because the almond milk wasn't cold enough. So, I said he could dump it in the sink if he liked. He did, but put it in the wrong side. Innocent mistake? Not on your life. Then there was a whole issue with cleaning it up, during which he told me he just wanted to go to camp right now! That had worked yesterday, after all.
When that was sorted out, he started saying that he didn't want to go to camp at all and did he have to? He's been fighting with another boy there - like pushing down and fists sort of fighting. I said he did. I mean, really, with him in the mood he was in, we couldn't spend the day together. Someone would get hurt. I didn't tell him that, just said he did have to go to camp.
He was pissed about having to do go, so he yelled and slammed the kitchen door (Davan was still sleeping and this was also not an accident), then crashed into something else. I went and brought him back into the kitchen with his shoes, sat him down and told him to put his shoes on right there because he was being too loud. He crawled away. I escorted him to the garage and said, "Okay, if you don't want to sit in the house and put on your shoes, you can put them on here."
When I went out a minute later to take him to camp, he was sitting there, with his basketball in his hands, waiting for me. As soon as I opened the door, he threw the ball at my legs. It hit me right in the knee, which is still sore.
I yelled, "Oh, you did not just do that!" and went back into the house to calm down. I went back not even a full minute later to get him to camp. He was running off down the driveway and onto the sidewalk (to run away, I presume), but stopped when I came out. I got him off to camp, came home, called Anthony to tell him he would be picking Max up from camp again, then left a message for Barbara, letting her know what was going on.
After she was here last night and the kids were playing together and all, I was, frankly, worried that she'd put moving him on her back burner.
He started with, "I'm really dry, still!" He'd lotioned last night when he got home from camp and again after his shower.
I said, "Okay. I'll get your lotion for you and you can lotion before you put your clothes on."
I came back in the room and he had his shorts on already. I said, "Hey, you were going to lotion because you're dry, remember?"
"I'm not going to lotion! I'm not dry! I won't do it!"
And, yeah, I probably should have left it at that and not had him lotion. However, he's been so, so dry and it's not healthy looking. And he did look ashy in places this morning still. So I told him he needed to do it.
Instead, he took off his pj top and put on his shirt for the day, then stood there, looking at me defiantly. And, yeah. The battle lines were drawn. I went over to help him out of his shirt to lotion and he refused to co-operate, so I backed off to do other things.
He went to eat breakfast and I said, "First the lotion."
Screaming. Throwing things. Told me, "You're not the right mom for me!"
I then did help him out of his shirt, which he didn't like, but put up with, lotioned him up and went back to my business. He got his shirt back on, then threatened to throw the banana I'd put out for him to start breakfast with. When I totally ignored that, he ate it.
He calmed down while eating breakfast and I asked him about the not the right mom comment. He said he hadn't heard it anywhere, that he'd just thought it. Interesting. He also, though, said that it wasn't true and that he just can't control himself when he is angry.
He didn't like his cereal because the almond milk wasn't cold enough. So, I said he could dump it in the sink if he liked. He did, but put it in the wrong side. Innocent mistake? Not on your life. Then there was a whole issue with cleaning it up, during which he told me he just wanted to go to camp right now! That had worked yesterday, after all.
When that was sorted out, he started saying that he didn't want to go to camp at all and did he have to? He's been fighting with another boy there - like pushing down and fists sort of fighting. I said he did. I mean, really, with him in the mood he was in, we couldn't spend the day together. Someone would get hurt. I didn't tell him that, just said he did have to go to camp.
He was pissed about having to do go, so he yelled and slammed the kitchen door (Davan was still sleeping and this was also not an accident), then crashed into something else. I went and brought him back into the kitchen with his shoes, sat him down and told him to put his shoes on right there because he was being too loud. He crawled away. I escorted him to the garage and said, "Okay, if you don't want to sit in the house and put on your shoes, you can put them on here."
When I went out a minute later to take him to camp, he was sitting there, with his basketball in his hands, waiting for me. As soon as I opened the door, he threw the ball at my legs. It hit me right in the knee, which is still sore.
I yelled, "Oh, you did not just do that!" and went back into the house to calm down. I went back not even a full minute later to get him to camp. He was running off down the driveway and onto the sidewalk (to run away, I presume), but stopped when I came out. I got him off to camp, came home, called Anthony to tell him he would be picking Max up from camp again, then left a message for Barbara, letting her know what was going on.
After she was here last night and the kids were playing together and all, I was, frankly, worried that she'd put moving him on her back burner.
Wednesday, July 09, 2008
The Best Evening in a Long Time
Barbara came over after dinner this evening. Well, it turned out to be after dinner, hair cut and shower, as well.
Max had a great evening. The only troublesome dinner behaviors were attempts to monopolize the conversation and some table pounding. Hair cut and shower went pretty well, even though he had to shower a second time due to not getting the hair from the haircut off of himself the first time. He finished putting on pjs just as Barbara showed up.
While Barbara was here, he showed her some art work he'd done at camp the week before last, then he and Davan played for a while (that hasn't been happening lately at all!). He ate a piece of watermelon, brushed his teeth and lotioned his hair. All without complaining or fit throwing or attempts to go out the window or threats.
Then he played video games for about 10 minutes before it was bed time.
If all our evenings were like that, or even most of them, we wouldn't be disrupting. I told Anthony that it makes us look like freaks. But, oh well. Does it really matter if we look like freaks? It'll all be over soon. I hope.
Max had a great evening. The only troublesome dinner behaviors were attempts to monopolize the conversation and some table pounding. Hair cut and shower went pretty well, even though he had to shower a second time due to not getting the hair from the haircut off of himself the first time. He finished putting on pjs just as Barbara showed up.
While Barbara was here, he showed her some art work he'd done at camp the week before last, then he and Davan played for a while (that hasn't been happening lately at all!). He ate a piece of watermelon, brushed his teeth and lotioned his hair. All without complaining or fit throwing or attempts to go out the window or threats.
Then he played video games for about 10 minutes before it was bed time.
If all our evenings were like that, or even most of them, we wouldn't be disrupting. I told Anthony that it makes us look like freaks. But, oh well. Does it really matter if we look like freaks? It'll all be over soon. I hope.
Yup, Indeed
Barbara thought that Max was with Stephanie's family. This is how kids get lost in the system, perhaps...
She'd totally spaced out that we'd decided (together) that he wasn't going there because, two reasons, 1 - they can't have him there over this weekend or next, so he'd have to move about for those weekends, 2 - if he stays here, that minimizes the moves.
So, finding him a foster family is now back at the top of her to-do list. And she wants to see Max this afternoon because she never did see him last month due to things like not trying to schedule it until the last minute and running into his birthday and then the day he tried to run away for the second time.
Well. Our part in this drama will be drawing to a close. I hope soon. It'd actually be great for him to be settled over the weekend. Although, it'll need to happen before Davan and I leave or that would be really weird, I think. So, maybe early next week if the ball isn't rolling soon here.
She'd totally spaced out that we'd decided (together) that he wasn't going there because, two reasons, 1 - they can't have him there over this weekend or next, so he'd have to move about for those weekends, 2 - if he stays here, that minimizes the moves.
So, finding him a foster family is now back at the top of her to-do list. And she wants to see Max this afternoon because she never did see him last month due to things like not trying to schedule it until the last minute and running into his birthday and then the day he tried to run away for the second time.
Well. Our part in this drama will be drawing to a close. I hope soon. It'd actually be great for him to be settled over the weekend. Although, it'll need to happen before Davan and I leave or that would be really weird, I think. So, maybe early next week if the ball isn't rolling soon here.
Dealing With Barbara Again
Arg! For long time readers, you will remember how difficult it was to get things done with Barbara during the homestudy/looking for kids portion of the adoption proceedings. Well, now, we're getting to deal with her again.
I don't know how this woman makes it through the day. Honestly. She's a very nice lady, although a little hard to get a read on sometimes, but she just doesn't track information information from one discussion to the next. Nor do her notes make sense to her most of the time, if she's taken them. Last week, she and I discussed and decided that Max would stay with us for these two weeks-ish, giving them time to find a foster family where Max can stay. This way, he doesn't have to be moved around any more than necessary.
However, I hadn't heard from Barbara at all this week, so I called and left a message this morning to see where things are. She called back and left a message talking about getting evaluations set up for Max and various things, then says, "And I wanted to know how Max is doing with (Stephanie's family) and how you all are doing."
Ummm. Yeah. Max is here, remember? So, I called back and left a message saying, "As we decided last week, Max is here until you can find him a foster family where he can stay while a new adoptive family is recruited. So, we're wondering how that process is going. We're trying to give everyone lots of breaks. Max spent the night with (Stephanie's family) Saturday and he's in day camp all week this week, but we're still encountering issues, including Max threatening to go out the window after bedtime, which is concerning."
I also told her that with my previously planned trip coming up at the end of the month, we would like to see Max settled by then. So, we'll see. But, it's very aggravating that here we are, dealing with Barbara again, and this time for such an unhappy purpose with a real need for it all to be done.
I don't know how this woman makes it through the day. Honestly. She's a very nice lady, although a little hard to get a read on sometimes, but she just doesn't track information information from one discussion to the next. Nor do her notes make sense to her most of the time, if she's taken them. Last week, she and I discussed and decided that Max would stay with us for these two weeks-ish, giving them time to find a foster family where Max can stay. This way, he doesn't have to be moved around any more than necessary.
However, I hadn't heard from Barbara at all this week, so I called and left a message this morning to see where things are. She called back and left a message talking about getting evaluations set up for Max and various things, then says, "And I wanted to know how Max is doing with (Stephanie's family) and how you all are doing."
Ummm. Yeah. Max is here, remember? So, I called back and left a message saying, "As we decided last week, Max is here until you can find him a foster family where he can stay while a new adoptive family is recruited. So, we're wondering how that process is going. We're trying to give everyone lots of breaks. Max spent the night with (Stephanie's family) Saturday and he's in day camp all week this week, but we're still encountering issues, including Max threatening to go out the window after bedtime, which is concerning."
I also told her that with my previously planned trip coming up at the end of the month, we would like to see Max settled by then. So, we'll see. But, it's very aggravating that here we are, dealing with Barbara again, and this time for such an unhappy purpose with a real need for it all to be done.
Life Goes On
My best friend, Chris, was here for a long weekend. We, as we always do, had a great visit. In spite of everything that is going on. We played a lot of Canasta, went on a lot of walks, ate more junk than we maybe should have, also ate lots of salads, talked and laughed a lot. She left early this morning and I miss her.
I won't miss her for too long, though, as our next scheduled visit is two weeks from today. This is because she's in Colorado, at her parents' house right now, for house sitting purposes. We planned two trips close together to take advantage of the shorter and cheaper flights that being in Colorado provide, rather than all the way in Pittsburgh.
The upcoming trip provides a deadline of sorts for getting Max settled. When I leave on the trip, it'll be just over three weeks after our meeting, where it was guessed that two weeks would be enough to find a transitional foster home for Max. By transitional foster home, I mean where he'll transition from our house to a new adoptive house. At least, that is the plan. However, if they don't find a good place for him by then, they may have to find a temporary place, as was the original plan before we said he could/should stay here for those couple of weeks while they find a new place.
Anyway, we do want there to be a definite end in sight. Things aren't pretty. It's not that were pretty before, either, but now that we've decided, we are rather ready to be done. We've had some more rough times.
Max spent the night Saturday night with Stephanie and family again, which provided a break for all. He is in camp, complete with after camp care, this week, so that he doesn't come home until Anthony does. This is not an overly cheap option, though, camp with after care, so while we'll do it this week and next, if necessary, it's not how we'd be raising our own child.
Even with all of this, we're having rough times. Max and Anthony had a go at it at bed time last night with Max saying he didn't want to be in bed, even though he got in bed a half an hour later than he should have. Max kept getting up and there were issues. Before all of that, Max had told me he was going to go out the window at bed time when I was getting him to get his stuff ready for camp for today. He didn't go out the window, but he does have a pattern of threatening for a while and then actually doing the thing, so it's a concern.
This morning, he was passive aggressively not helping with morning chores. He put away two clean dishes while I cleaned an entire bathroom and while Davan tended to the guest bed, sorted laundry and started a new load. Then he announced that he didn't want breakfast, he just wanted to go to camp. So I took him.
Luckily for him, he actually had a decent lunch packed for today. Monday, when he came home with a good portion of his lunch left and tails of eating other kids' chips and not being hungry, I suggested he pack his own lunch, as he'd know what he wanted to eat. He did not have a big lunch yesterday...Today, though, was bigger and a better lunch. I'm sure he'll be hungry by dinner with no breakfast, but he'll get through okay.
Chris made a few interesting observations while she was here. One was that we seemed to have two "families." One is the family of Anthony, Davan and myself. The other is more of a group of people than a family and it's what we are when Max is around. Anthony and I battling Max for control of the family while Davan is shunted off to the side. I do see this and we've tried hard to avoid it, but, obviously, aren't able to.
Two weeks. And then we'll have to start dealing with after effects, but we'll be able to start recuperating.
I won't miss her for too long, though, as our next scheduled visit is two weeks from today. This is because she's in Colorado, at her parents' house right now, for house sitting purposes. We planned two trips close together to take advantage of the shorter and cheaper flights that being in Colorado provide, rather than all the way in Pittsburgh.
The upcoming trip provides a deadline of sorts for getting Max settled. When I leave on the trip, it'll be just over three weeks after our meeting, where it was guessed that two weeks would be enough to find a transitional foster home for Max. By transitional foster home, I mean where he'll transition from our house to a new adoptive house. At least, that is the plan. However, if they don't find a good place for him by then, they may have to find a temporary place, as was the original plan before we said he could/should stay here for those couple of weeks while they find a new place.
Anyway, we do want there to be a definite end in sight. Things aren't pretty. It's not that were pretty before, either, but now that we've decided, we are rather ready to be done. We've had some more rough times.
Max spent the night Saturday night with Stephanie and family again, which provided a break for all. He is in camp, complete with after camp care, this week, so that he doesn't come home until Anthony does. This is not an overly cheap option, though, camp with after care, so while we'll do it this week and next, if necessary, it's not how we'd be raising our own child.
Even with all of this, we're having rough times. Max and Anthony had a go at it at bed time last night with Max saying he didn't want to be in bed, even though he got in bed a half an hour later than he should have. Max kept getting up and there were issues. Before all of that, Max had told me he was going to go out the window at bed time when I was getting him to get his stuff ready for camp for today. He didn't go out the window, but he does have a pattern of threatening for a while and then actually doing the thing, so it's a concern.
This morning, he was passive aggressively not helping with morning chores. He put away two clean dishes while I cleaned an entire bathroom and while Davan tended to the guest bed, sorted laundry and started a new load. Then he announced that he didn't want breakfast, he just wanted to go to camp. So I took him.
Luckily for him, he actually had a decent lunch packed for today. Monday, when he came home with a good portion of his lunch left and tails of eating other kids' chips and not being hungry, I suggested he pack his own lunch, as he'd know what he wanted to eat. He did not have a big lunch yesterday...Today, though, was bigger and a better lunch. I'm sure he'll be hungry by dinner with no breakfast, but he'll get through okay.
Chris made a few interesting observations while she was here. One was that we seemed to have two "families." One is the family of Anthony, Davan and myself. The other is more of a group of people than a family and it's what we are when Max is around. Anthony and I battling Max for control of the family while Davan is shunted off to the side. I do see this and we've tried hard to avoid it, but, obviously, aren't able to.
Two weeks. And then we'll have to start dealing with after effects, but we'll be able to start recuperating.
Friday, July 04, 2008
Happy 4th of July!
So far, we've had a chocolate chip pancake breakfast and taken to the kids to slide and jump on some blow up things at one of the local fireworks stands. And, of course, we've had complaining, fit throwing, screaming and pouting, even though there were no chores this morning due to the holiday and Max did get to get in some video game time in addition to the above mentioned activities.
My best friend comes in this evening and I'm so excited to see her! Even with everything else going on and even if I'm stressed all weekend about what's happening with Max, we'll have a good visit and my stress levels will go down because she's around, not up because of having company. This is why we didn't cancel. I'm so looking forward to picking her up!
When Chris and I get back from the airport, we'll do some inexpensive (I don't believe in spending much on them) but pleantyful fireworks in front of the house. The kids will have a late night and, hopefully, will sleep in tomorrow.
We all, except Anthony who went on an early morning 50 mile bike ride, slept in this morning, which was good with the late night coming up.
We have come up with a rough game plan for the upcoming week for Max. He'll be here for fireworks tonight and breakfast with the family tomorrow. Then he's probably going to spend the night with friends tomorrow night.
He wants to do the spending the night thing, even though he also says he feels like we're sending him away because he's bad. Frankly, because of his self esteem issues, I think he'd think that anyway. He thinks we're letting him play video games more because we don't want to spend time with him because we don't like him. That's the first thing that comes into his mind, rather than, "Hey! Great! I get to play video games!" We tried to talk it out with him this morning, but it didn't go well and we finally gave up, after which he became clingy, where, while we were trying to connect with him, he was trying to get away from us. Yeah.
I know that going to school for him, even, was a double edged sword. After all, it meant I didn't want to homeschool him and spend the time with him. But, then, he did get to go to school, which he wanted. Most things are like this.
Then, next week, I'm going to sign him up for day camp again. He wasn't supposed to have camp next week and he was supposed to have one more week of swim lessons, but we'll just ditch the lessons. He liked camp at MHCC, which is where he'll go again, and it probably feels less like being sent away than being shipped off to other houses. I may even spring for the after care so he can be picked up by Anthony after work rather than having that rough hour when he first gets home, all wound up, and Anthony isn't home yet.
It's not that he is just fine when Anthony is here, because that's not the case. It's just that the extremes of aggression toward me and the behaviors like running away don't happen when Anthony is home - at least not yet.
Meanwhile, hopefully, our case worker will be working on a new placement for him. Of course, she doesn't work on Mondays, so we'll see where things are come Tuesday. And, it's possible that Alison will have talked her out of having him just stay here, but I kind of doubt it. After all, it's less work for her if he stays here rather than having to find him a temporary place to be.
My best friend comes in this evening and I'm so excited to see her! Even with everything else going on and even if I'm stressed all weekend about what's happening with Max, we'll have a good visit and my stress levels will go down because she's around, not up because of having company. This is why we didn't cancel. I'm so looking forward to picking her up!
When Chris and I get back from the airport, we'll do some inexpensive (I don't believe in spending much on them) but pleantyful fireworks in front of the house. The kids will have a late night and, hopefully, will sleep in tomorrow.
We all, except Anthony who went on an early morning 50 mile bike ride, slept in this morning, which was good with the late night coming up.
We have come up with a rough game plan for the upcoming week for Max. He'll be here for fireworks tonight and breakfast with the family tomorrow. Then he's probably going to spend the night with friends tomorrow night.
He wants to do the spending the night thing, even though he also says he feels like we're sending him away because he's bad. Frankly, because of his self esteem issues, I think he'd think that anyway. He thinks we're letting him play video games more because we don't want to spend time with him because we don't like him. That's the first thing that comes into his mind, rather than, "Hey! Great! I get to play video games!" We tried to talk it out with him this morning, but it didn't go well and we finally gave up, after which he became clingy, where, while we were trying to connect with him, he was trying to get away from us. Yeah.
I know that going to school for him, even, was a double edged sword. After all, it meant I didn't want to homeschool him and spend the time with him. But, then, he did get to go to school, which he wanted. Most things are like this.
Then, next week, I'm going to sign him up for day camp again. He wasn't supposed to have camp next week and he was supposed to have one more week of swim lessons, but we'll just ditch the lessons. He liked camp at MHCC, which is where he'll go again, and it probably feels less like being sent away than being shipped off to other houses. I may even spring for the after care so he can be picked up by Anthony after work rather than having that rough hour when he first gets home, all wound up, and Anthony isn't home yet.
It's not that he is just fine when Anthony is here, because that's not the case. It's just that the extremes of aggression toward me and the behaviors like running away don't happen when Anthony is home - at least not yet.
Meanwhile, hopefully, our case worker will be working on a new placement for him. Of course, she doesn't work on Mondays, so we'll see where things are come Tuesday. And, it's possible that Alison will have talked her out of having him just stay here, but I kind of doubt it. After all, it's less work for her if he stays here rather than having to find him a temporary place to be.
Thursday, July 03, 2008
More Changes
First off, let me say that we are firm in our decision. We are definitely not Max's growing up family, as sad as that is for all involved.
However. As I started thinking more about him going to another house for two weeks (and possibly having to break that up even further into weekend respite, causing yet another move), I started realizing how counter-intuitive that plan in. Is yet another move really in his best interests?
This is his therapist's brain child. And I can kind of see her point. It would give him some cooling off time if he was comfortable there, before we had a final good-bye. However. I can't help but think that it'll all feel the same to him and feel like people were lying to him. So, from his perspective, the move would still be pretty close to his birthday, which was also one of the goals.
So, here we are. He needs a new home. He needs a skilled foster home to help him make a new start before moving on to adoption. A, his therapist, is advocating an additional move. We think he should stay here until the foster family is found. Well, more or less here. We'll be counting on help from friends to see that he and we get regular breaks to help keep the tensions down. And it looks like it'll be our plan that will happen, but we'll also be picking up early next week with the planning, so things are subject to change.
I spoke with Barbara this afternoon for something like the 7th time today and came away feeling aggravated and frustrated. She said that A told her that, at his therapy appointment today, Max was very down on himself. He kept saying that he is stupid and that his birth mom doesn't still have him because she hates him. Well, yeah. He's been telling us that all along. We've tried to clear that up, but to no avail, apparently. We've told them repeatedly that he has self esteem issues. A has told me that the reason I don't like him is because he doesn't like himself and it's very difficult to like someone who doesn't like themselves. So, this is a known problem. It's not new, folks! And, yet, A is saying that it has to do with our decision to disrupt and the tensions at home. Okay, then.
Barbara now thinks that part of the problem with him not taking to the placement is that he wasn't adequately prepared for the move. Gee, ya think? We've been saying that all along. So, she wants to do therapeutic work with him over the next couple of weeks to help him understand his past and why the moves happened. She thinks this is tied in with the self-esteem issues, as well. Well, of course. Also, of course, we've gone over and over his history with him - the whys of the moves and all. Maybe it'll take from someone else. Although, we did have his case worker come all the way from Eugene to sit down and talk with him about all that at the beginning of the placement and that, obviously didn't take.
I guess I still resent that the idea is that the problems are all now sprouting up because of our decision to disrupt or that we we didn't know that he had these questions and issues.
But, I just need to take deep breaths and tell myself that anything they can do to help is still good, even if it's too late for us as a family. Anything they can do is good for Max. And we know we did what we could. We know we saw this as far as we could. We know how hard we worked at it. No one but us really knows what it's like to try to really parent him, so of course they don't understand. Even his foster mom doesn't really know what it's like to parent him because she was much more of a care taker than a parent.
I hope he gets what he needs and is able to find healing and peace. Whatever it is that he may need, even though we weren't able to find it.
However. As I started thinking more about him going to another house for two weeks (and possibly having to break that up even further into weekend respite, causing yet another move), I started realizing how counter-intuitive that plan in. Is yet another move really in his best interests?
This is his therapist's brain child. And I can kind of see her point. It would give him some cooling off time if he was comfortable there, before we had a final good-bye. However. I can't help but think that it'll all feel the same to him and feel like people were lying to him. So, from his perspective, the move would still be pretty close to his birthday, which was also one of the goals.
So, here we are. He needs a new home. He needs a skilled foster home to help him make a new start before moving on to adoption. A, his therapist, is advocating an additional move. We think he should stay here until the foster family is found. Well, more or less here. We'll be counting on help from friends to see that he and we get regular breaks to help keep the tensions down. And it looks like it'll be our plan that will happen, but we'll also be picking up early next week with the planning, so things are subject to change.
I spoke with Barbara this afternoon for something like the 7th time today and came away feeling aggravated and frustrated. She said that A told her that, at his therapy appointment today, Max was very down on himself. He kept saying that he is stupid and that his birth mom doesn't still have him because she hates him. Well, yeah. He's been telling us that all along. We've tried to clear that up, but to no avail, apparently. We've told them repeatedly that he has self esteem issues. A has told me that the reason I don't like him is because he doesn't like himself and it's very difficult to like someone who doesn't like themselves. So, this is a known problem. It's not new, folks! And, yet, A is saying that it has to do with our decision to disrupt and the tensions at home. Okay, then.
Barbara now thinks that part of the problem with him not taking to the placement is that he wasn't adequately prepared for the move. Gee, ya think? We've been saying that all along. So, she wants to do therapeutic work with him over the next couple of weeks to help him understand his past and why the moves happened. She thinks this is tied in with the self-esteem issues, as well. Well, of course. Also, of course, we've gone over and over his history with him - the whys of the moves and all. Maybe it'll take from someone else. Although, we did have his case worker come all the way from Eugene to sit down and talk with him about all that at the beginning of the placement and that, obviously didn't take.
I guess I still resent that the idea is that the problems are all now sprouting up because of our decision to disrupt or that we we didn't know that he had these questions and issues.
But, I just need to take deep breaths and tell myself that anything they can do to help is still good, even if it's too late for us as a family. Anything they can do is good for Max. And we know we did what we could. We know we saw this as far as we could. We know how hard we worked at it. No one but us really knows what it's like to try to really parent him, so of course they don't understand. Even his foster mom doesn't really know what it's like to parent him because she was much more of a care taker than a parent.
I hope he gets what he needs and is able to find healing and peace. Whatever it is that he may need, even though we weren't able to find it.
Wednesday, July 02, 2008
One More Therapist Rant Before Bed
A told us all yesterday that she's never actually worked with a family that has disrupted before. As that is the case, I want to know why she told us a year ago (when we first brought up the topic of disruption), that, while it seems like it will be a relief, most families process it as the death of a child. That could be true still, but it's certainly not from the experience of working with said families that she developed that opinion, as she'd implied.
Also, never having worked with a family that has disrupted before, it seems pretty harsh to say that disrupting would ruin Max, causing him to never again be able to trust another mom. That's not to say that the next family won't have their work cut out for them, but, still. It's pretty harsh for not having any personal experience.
I've had the option shared with me that it might be because she's feeling like she failed by not taking the issues I brought up seriously enough, that she's so mad at us. Could be.
Again, though, I'm not saying that this will be easy for Max. It'll be really awful. I keep imagining his little face when I tell him goodbye. I remember his face the day that I we talked about why his foster mom wasn't his mom anymore. It'll be like that. I think. It wasn't a happy talk. However, I still believe that not only will he have a better chance than if he stayed with us (which isn't to say that his chances of meaningful attachment are high), but that the rest of us would go down with him, in some respects, if he stayed.
Also, never having worked with a family that has disrupted before, it seems pretty harsh to say that disrupting would ruin Max, causing him to never again be able to trust another mom. That's not to say that the next family won't have their work cut out for them, but, still. It's pretty harsh for not having any personal experience.
I've had the option shared with me that it might be because she's feeling like she failed by not taking the issues I brought up seriously enough, that she's so mad at us. Could be.
Again, though, I'm not saying that this will be easy for Max. It'll be really awful. I keep imagining his little face when I tell him goodbye. I remember his face the day that I we talked about why his foster mom wasn't his mom anymore. It'll be like that. I think. It wasn't a happy talk. However, I still believe that not only will he have a better chance than if he stayed with us (which isn't to say that his chances of meaningful attachment are high), but that the rest of us would go down with him, in some respects, if he stayed.
Just a Quickie
It was not an overly fun day. Max had a rough morning. We had an appointment with the person who prescribes his medicine, which meant that we got to see his therapist, too. It was a good time for me. Judgment hung heavy in the air. It's only my guilt that makes me feel judged, I know, but the guilt is there because I'd wanted to adopt and really have it be forever. That doesn't mean that I don't think we should disrupt. What I wanted doesn't really matter anymore. What matters is what's the best thing to do from here. His therapist and I don't agree on that.
There was swimming, which was good. A little exercise never harms anyone, especially when stressed. Max had time to spend with an adult friend (the afore mentioned Stephanie) who gave him lots of attention, which he needs.
What happens next is still up in the air, but there are plans afoot. Foster families being called, people making decisions. It's still unclear when Max will leave our home for sure, though.
There was swimming, which was good. A little exercise never harms anyone, especially when stressed. Max had time to spend with an adult friend (the afore mentioned Stephanie) who gave him lots of attention, which he needs.
What happens next is still up in the air, but there are plans afoot. Foster families being called, people making decisions. It's still unclear when Max will leave our home for sure, though.
Thanks for the Reminder, Max
We're having a morning. No swim lessons for Max this morning. He peed all over the toilet seat, refused to clean it up and chose to not participate in morning chores. I choose, therefore, not to make him breakfast (he was able to get his own, so this isn't a no food thing, just a no smoothie thing) or to take him to swimming. And I was willing to take it easy on him this morning, too. He just woke up angry and pushed a lot. Not uncommon.
Tuesday, July 01, 2008
Several Random Thoughts
Max's therapist, A, stayed after to talk to the case workers, supposedly to share some names of foster families she works with that she felt would do well for a temporary placement for Max. However, the more I think about it, the more I think it was really to talk to them about us without us there. Fine. It doesn't really matter at this point. But, I still think that was part of it.
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At today's meeting, A asked about Davan - what she knows and how she's handling it. I said we'd told her what was going on and said she was sad, worried about Max, relieved and all mixed up about it, but doing okay. A said that Davan would need therapy. Now, we've considered this. Anthony and I have talked about doing some family therapy once Max is moved on. We will if we think it's necessary. The kind of odd thing about A telling us this, though, is that Davan and I did a couple of session with her when Davan was having a hard time with the adoption and living with Max. A basically told me that with Davan's verbal skills and willingness to talk to me, she didn't need a therapist. She does a fine job of processing with me.
But now because we've chosen to disrupt with Max, suddenly I'm not a good parent/therapist for Davan anymore? Interesting.
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As long as I'm ranting about A, I'd been thinking for a few months now that we maybe needed to try a different therapist anyway. There is a RAD specialist not far from us and, as we were discussing our options, I told Anthony that we needed to go see this RAD specialist if we were not going to disrupt because I wasn't sure Max was getting what he/we needed from A.
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Our case worker, Barbara, had talked with us before about joining an adoptive support group, which we had been interested in, but being such introverts and the support group not being at all convenient to us, we just never did jump into it. Although, I do belong to an on-line support group for adoption. Now it's two, actually. One for harder kids like Max specifically, including people who've disrupted. I've posted a few times, but mostly lurk. Even so, it's been very helpful and supportive as I go through this.
Today Barbara again suggested that we join the support group or get one on one support from someone in the group to get through the disruption. The funny thing is that I am doing so much better in working through this disruption than I had been doing with just living with him that I don't know that I even need it.
I'd gotten to the point that I felt like I mostly just whined to my friends about Max and how life was going with him. Now, though, even though we're still in process, I talk about it some (we're talking very close friends), but I can find room to listen to them and hear what's going on in their lives. I feel so much healthier, even though this is such a difficult thing. I guess that shows how hard it's been that this feels easy in comparison.
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I've found that now that I know I don't have to keep living with Max, I can feel a lot more sorry for him and a lot more sympathetic to his behaviors. When I thought I was going to have to be his forever Mommy, I hated him and got angered so easily by his behaviors. I think my more sympathetic outlook will make our last days together more tolerable. Too bad I couldn't feel it when I'd have to live with the behaviors forever, but I just couldn't.
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At today's meeting, A asked about Davan - what she knows and how she's handling it. I said we'd told her what was going on and said she was sad, worried about Max, relieved and all mixed up about it, but doing okay. A said that Davan would need therapy. Now, we've considered this. Anthony and I have talked about doing some family therapy once Max is moved on. We will if we think it's necessary. The kind of odd thing about A telling us this, though, is that Davan and I did a couple of session with her when Davan was having a hard time with the adoption and living with Max. A basically told me that with Davan's verbal skills and willingness to talk to me, she didn't need a therapist. She does a fine job of processing with me.
But now because we've chosen to disrupt with Max, suddenly I'm not a good parent/therapist for Davan anymore? Interesting.
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As long as I'm ranting about A, I'd been thinking for a few months now that we maybe needed to try a different therapist anyway. There is a RAD specialist not far from us and, as we were discussing our options, I told Anthony that we needed to go see this RAD specialist if we were not going to disrupt because I wasn't sure Max was getting what he/we needed from A.
----------------
Our case worker, Barbara, had talked with us before about joining an adoptive support group, which we had been interested in, but being such introverts and the support group not being at all convenient to us, we just never did jump into it. Although, I do belong to an on-line support group for adoption. Now it's two, actually. One for harder kids like Max specifically, including people who've disrupted. I've posted a few times, but mostly lurk. Even so, it's been very helpful and supportive as I go through this.
Today Barbara again suggested that we join the support group or get one on one support from someone in the group to get through the disruption. The funny thing is that I am doing so much better in working through this disruption than I had been doing with just living with him that I don't know that I even need it.
I'd gotten to the point that I felt like I mostly just whined to my friends about Max and how life was going with him. Now, though, even though we're still in process, I talk about it some (we're talking very close friends), but I can find room to listen to them and hear what's going on in their lives. I feel so much healthier, even though this is such a difficult thing. I guess that shows how hard it's been that this feels easy in comparison.
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I've found that now that I know I don't have to keep living with Max, I can feel a lot more sorry for him and a lot more sympathetic to his behaviors. When I thought I was going to have to be his forever Mommy, I hated him and got angered so easily by his behaviors. I think my more sympathetic outlook will make our last days together more tolerable. Too bad I couldn't feel it when I'd have to live with the behaviors forever, but I just couldn't.
Today's Meeting
Well. We met. It went okay. Both social workers were very supportive of us and both indicated that they thought we'd done our best and put in a lot of hard work and stuck by him for a long time. Max's therapist, though...well, she thinks we're dooming him by disrupting. What I don't think she gets, though, is that we feel like we'd be dooming both him and us by him staying because we just haven't bonded to him. We don't have the capacity to help a person heal that we just don't like.
In fact, the more I think about the meeting, the more I think Alison was saying that his escalating behaviors of recent are my fault. He's picking up on my ambivalent feelings and trying (unconsciously) to push the matter. Possibly, but as I can't seem to get over feeling ambivalent about him being our son, that's yet another reason for him to be in a new family. I've been feeling ambivalent sense day 1. Maybe that's why he's done so poorly here. That's a cheery though. It really is all my fault.
Anyway, the plan is to find him a temporary placement as soon as possible that would last a couple of weeks (possibly longer - until an adoptive family is found - depending on the placement). We'll tell him that we know that adoption is hard. (This is a phrase he's using with his therapist lately, who has been seeing him alone.) It's hard for everyone. So, we're going to take a break and let everyone relax a little. It's not anything he's done. He's not in trouble. We're not mad at him. We just all need a break.
Then, after those couple of weeks (which will be used to find him a skilled foster home), we'll have a good-bye meeting between him and us with his therapist and our case worker - possibly his as well. That'll be it.
Our time with Max is drawing quickly to a close. I am still feeling like we've made the right choice. My anxiety is actually down post-meeting. I am sad for Max, but also hopeful. I'm sad for our adoption dreams, but relieved to be putting this very difficult chapter of life behind us. I'm a little concerned about how Davan will feel, but also feel like we're staying on top of talking to her about it and giving her lots of reassurance.
I still don't know for sure how long it'll be. His therapist would have liked to see him gone tomorrow, but with the way things work...that's very unlikely. I'm guessing a week or less, though.
In fact, the more I think about the meeting, the more I think Alison was saying that his escalating behaviors of recent are my fault. He's picking up on my ambivalent feelings and trying (unconsciously) to push the matter. Possibly, but as I can't seem to get over feeling ambivalent about him being our son, that's yet another reason for him to be in a new family. I've been feeling ambivalent sense day 1. Maybe that's why he's done so poorly here. That's a cheery though. It really is all my fault.
Anyway, the plan is to find him a temporary placement as soon as possible that would last a couple of weeks (possibly longer - until an adoptive family is found - depending on the placement). We'll tell him that we know that adoption is hard. (This is a phrase he's using with his therapist lately, who has been seeing him alone.) It's hard for everyone. So, we're going to take a break and let everyone relax a little. It's not anything he's done. He's not in trouble. We're not mad at him. We just all need a break.
Then, after those couple of weeks (which will be used to find him a skilled foster home), we'll have a good-bye meeting between him and us with his therapist and our case worker - possibly his as well. That'll be it.
Our time with Max is drawing quickly to a close. I am still feeling like we've made the right choice. My anxiety is actually down post-meeting. I am sad for Max, but also hopeful. I'm sad for our adoption dreams, but relieved to be putting this very difficult chapter of life behind us. I'm a little concerned about how Davan will feel, but also feel like we're staying on top of talking to her about it and giving her lots of reassurance.
I still don't know for sure how long it'll be. His therapist would have liked to see him gone tomorrow, but with the way things work...that's very unlikely. I'm guessing a week or less, though.
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