Wednesday, November 05, 2008

Baby Lust

I'm in the midst of a sever case of the stuff. Baby lust. I seem to be particularly susceptible to this illness for someone with only one child.

Prior to Davan's birth, I had a long, ongoing case of baby lust. For me, it started young. When I was around 10 or so, I started begging my mom for a baby sibling. I'd take care of the baby whenever I was home, I'd proclaim. This lusting didn't go away until I was pregnant with Davan. I miscarried before I got pregnant with Davan and, believe you me, that sure didn't help matters.

Dealing with my high needs baby/toddler cured me (mostly) of the illness. Although, I still did have occasional pangs, wishing I'd just become accidentally pregnant and have to deal with two, although I was so far from feeling like I could cope with two that choosing pregnancy was not even close to an option.

As Davan got older, though, it started to creep back in. I became certified as a doula to help deal. That was not a good substitute, though, I and realized I didn't like being with strangers while they gave birth.

So, the lust crept back in. One night when Davan was around five, I'd been up late reading a book where the author (a midwife) has a late life baby and I cried, knowing that wasn't going to happen for me. It's not that I'm not able to conceive - well, I am but only because I only have sex with Anthony and he is snipped. It's a choice. I feel strongly about the choice and Anthony feels even more strongly these days. However, it doesn't stop me from wanting, aching even, from time to time.

Going through the adoption process was a good cure for a while. But, as soon as we disrupted, I started a bought of baby lust. It passed, more or less, but the last day or two has found me desirous again.

We could make it happen, I think. There are medical procedures to get around the vasectomy or there is a family member I have in mind for an operation involving a cup and a turkey baster (see how far my thoughts have gone?). Davan loves babies and would be a big help, right? She'd have a sibling for when she was an adult. That'd be nice. I'd get the baby. What more could I want?

Well, for one, sleep. I really don't do well with interrupted sleep and I never did learn how to nurse and sleep at the same time, although I was a champ at laying down while nursing.

For another, time to do what I want to do. I couldn't swim without imposing on someone or paying for a sitter and, yeah, we have extra money. Plus, if the next one were anything like Davan, he/she wouldn't stand for being handed off to someone else and I wouldn't be able to swim with my baby screaming by the side.

We're taking the season off from skiing this year, but I still want to ski, too. I'd miss that. I've started running and there is always a jog stroller, for a while at least. And them maybe, when he/she didn't want to go, Davan could babysit. Using her as a built in baby sitter is healthy, right?

We're going to Disney World in January. If a baby were around, that would mean a very different sort of trip, not that one would come so soon, I'm not that mathematically challenged, but other types of trips will come up for the future. We couldn't all go on many of the rides and that would be too bad. I'd miss doing that.

Would we be able to sit around and read out of the family book or would this baby be too demanding for attention? Would I be able to sit and eat? Would I be able to sit around or walk and chat with my mom? What about going to visit Chris? That sort of stuff all went much by the wayside with Davan as a baby.

All of this plus cost and other factors made our decision about not having another baby for us. Still, though, I have the lust. It'll pass, though. For a while, at least.

No comments:

Post a Comment