It's been four months now since Max moved out. I'm finding I still have people to tell about the adoption disrupting. It's still not easy.
As I've mentioned before, sometimes I just tell people who weren't around during the Max times that he was a foster child. It's more or less the truth, as we never did adopt him. Sure, that was our intention, but it didn't happen. It's a lot easier than getting into the whole thing.
However, I'm finding that I'm still having people pop up in our lives who need to be actually told. There is a group of homeschoolers that we haven't spent time with lately, but that we spent time with regularly about a year ago. Mostly, that's a schedule thing. Also, though, the kids are younger than Davan and were more age mates for Max. So, we haven't really been seeking them out, either.
I'd been thinking that maybe I should leave the lists for that group - a vacation one and a homeschool discussion one - but I hadn't done anything about it. Today one of the members emailed me to let me know there was a poll for next year's vacation together.
These ladies are all really nice. I've enjoyed the time I've spent with them. However, they are also all spread out over the Portland metro area and all of their kids are not only younger, but predominantly boys. Davan has enjoyed the company of several of the babies, but gets along less well the the troop of boys a few years younger than her. The reality is that the group just isn't a great match for us anymore.
I thanked the mom that emailed and let her know that we would be passing. I occurred to me to just leave it at that, but that didn't really seem fair. So, I also let her know that we disrupted the adoption. It was hard to write and send the email. I'm a little on pins and needles, wondering how she'll take it, if she'll write back, knowing it'll be discussed amongst the group even if I never hear anything about it, wondering what they'll think of me.
Every time I have to tell someone, I feel anxious and defensive. Still, I know it was the right decision, so why? I'm still judging myself to some extent, that's why. I promised this little boy that it would be forever and then I sent him away. Yeah. I still feel badly about that.
Every day, though, I am thankful for the calmness of my family, even with things are wild, there is a calmness to us. I'm thankful that the worst I have to deal with, child behavior-wise is Davan's extreme sensitivity and probably clinical anxiety. And, hey, that's certainly a challenge. It's a challenge I'm willing and able to take on, though, if for no other reason than my love of Davan and my bond with her.
The bond that never did come with Max. I still really hope he finds it somewhere.