Saturday, November 29, 2008

Still Here

We debated going home a day early because we arrived early. However, we opted to stay. A lot of times, it's stressfull to spend a lot of time with my grandma. She's kind of like a little kid in a lot of ways, but a little kid who is an old person we're supposed to honor, respect and find the fount of all wisdom. At least, she thinks so.

In her favor, she is a generous grandparent and loves to play games. So, those are nice things.

However, she was not a generous parent. Her children bore the burden of being her kids. She's not always nice and, when they were kids, often not affectionate. That's sort of funny because she's almost overly affectionate now.

I didn't get along with her very well as a child, but then I did fine with her as a young adult. It was easy to put her in perspective. After all, she was only my grandparent and I could accept her foibles. They didn't play a large part in shaping who I was.

Once Davan was born, though, I had a hard time with her again. Well, it started more like when Davan was a preschooler and I felt the need to sheild her. Now, it's just starting to get a little easier. Davan is older and coming into her own to some extent. I still don't want her damaged, of course, but she's less easily damaged now.

My aunt, this trip, has, independently, brought up the need to shelter Davan from Grandma. Yeah, true, but for me, the need isn't as pressing. Mostly Grandma feels like she doesn't have a lot of teeth anymore to me.

My mom and aunt are both stressed. They are stressed by the death of their daddy already and Grandma still isn't easy to be around. Actually, my mom feels more or less normal about Grandma. I really think my aunt is mad at her about how things went at the end. Either way, both are ready to leave, but feel obligated to stay until Sunday.

Me? I'm okay. My family is okay. We're not too stressed. We're going to stay and help be buffers. It's something we feel like we can do. Even though it'll be tough to drive all day and then have Anthony go to work on Monday and work a full week before we leave for Florida on Saturday.

I've run every day except for Thanksgiving day and today, so far, but I still plan on going. On Thanksgiving, I did DDR for about an hour, so I got in a workout then, too. I've done yoga on two different days and I've gotten in some stretching most other days. In addition, "my" family - Anthony, Davan, my mom and stepdad and I - have all gotten out for a walk twice. I feel like the exercise has helped to keep the stress down.

Anthony and I also took Davan out to play mini golf yesterday afternoon, which was a fun interlude.

So, we're still here and we're still doing okay. Grandma will leave for Florida (and an aunt's house) shortly after we all leave for our respective homes. For those few days, she'll have the support of her friends and neighbors, whom have been stopping by and, as Grandma tells us constantly, have offered any help she needs.

Everyone will get through.

I finally felt sad last night. I was thinking about Grandpa's card money. He and Grandma used to play a family game that is similar to Skipbo every afternoon for small money - coins such. Grandma loved the game, but Grandpa seemed to mostly play for Grandma's sake, although he'd say that it kept both their brains sharp to play. He'll never use his card money again. He'll never fed the birds again, which was a great joy to him. He'll never order ribs without sauce again.

We moved into the back bedroom from our tent yesterday. The back bedroom is where Grandpa was, where we kept vigil. Davan hadn't been in there since he died. Anthony and I took her in there before we moved in and she cried. I think that's what started making me feel sad.

It's mild, though, really. He was 87 and had been going downhill for a while. It was his time. I can live with that and know it's really okay.

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